2.5

Last Sunday my little boy turned two and a half. Some people might find it silly to pay attention to the half-year mark, but for me it means that he is now closer to three than two. How is that possible? My little baby is not so much of a baby anymore. And boy, does he let us know!

Every morning during the work week, poor Brian wakes Noah up. And almost every morning, he’s greeted by “No Daddy! I want Mommy! Go away!” As he dresses him he cries, “No, Mommy do it!” Meanwhile I’m downstairs straightening my hair and feeling bad for both of them. This is not limited to just the mornings either. Noah is pretty adamant that I have to do most things for him. It’s exhausting, especially now that I’m so tired every evening. However, there are also about a million things that he insists he must do “by myself, Mommy!” Take for example walking across a parking lot. “No, don’t want to hold your hand!” Or getting into his car seat. “I do it by self, Mommy!” It’s kind of funny how much negative tone a little guy can put into the word “Mommy.” You’d think the word meant “evil witch.” There are also increasing tantrums over tiny little things, and just general disagreeableness. I keep trying to get a picture of the “eat shit and die” look that he gives us about a thousand times a day, but so far no luck.

So yes, the more Noah progresses through the age of 2, the more I understand why some people call it “terrible.” But then there are all the funny, silly, amazing things he does that make it mostly enjoyable. The other night I was ripping off my estradiol patches. Noah watched me and asked, “Mommy, you got stickers?” I told him they were more like bandaids. “Mommy, you have owwy? You all better?” While I was on bed rest I told Noah that I had an owwy tummy so that he would stay off of me. He still frequently asks if I have owwy tummy or if I’m all better. His sensitive side is coming out, too. There were a few times in the last week or two when he started crying when scolded over something, or even when I just shot him a disapproving look when he was being unsafe. He certainly doesn’t like it when he thinks I’m upset with him, but cuddles cure everything.

And now for some totally random things I don’t want to forget.

The other morning we were eating breakfast and the sun was shining in Noah’s face. He yelled out, “Hey sun, don’t bright me!” It cracked me up.

Noah’s favorite shows are Bubble Guppies, Curious George, Dora (gag), and the How To Train Your Dragon movie. He likes talking about the “moon bear” from one of the Bubble Guppies episodes, and when he looks at the moon he asks about the moon bear and his flashlight.

He really enjoys playing with dinosaurs and trains. He also still pretends to be a dinosaur often. If he’s not a dinosaur, then he’s probably pretending to be a monster, crocodile, or some other random animal. Noah is starting to sing to himself more and more. He can finally sing his alphabet with a few minor substitutions, especially at the end. Brian and I are usually not allowed to join in. He yells at us for singing and dancing to the radio, too. We must be worse than we thought… Although he does like his bedtime songs.

Although I know he’s still young, I’m becoming fairly convinced that Noah is colorblind. He identified orange first, then got pink, purple, green, black, and blue. Just recently he has identified brown accurately, too. He knows these colors consistently with virtually no mistakes. With red, he ALWAYS calls it green. This is the most common colorblindness. With yellow, he ALWAYS calls it blue. This is the second most common, and if someone has blue-yellow, they almost always have red-green. Brian’s dad has some degree of colorblindness, so despite people telling me “he’s just two!” I’m pretty sure I’m right. I have NEVER heard Noah identify anything as red or yellow. Ever. Obviously this is not a big deal, but at some point I’d like to get confirmation so that when he goes to preschool we’ll know for sure. I would hate for him to have teachers think he’s not catching on. It also makes me wonder what the world looks like to him.

Noah is my little runt. He is currently wearing size 5 diapers with no interest in potty training in sight. His shirts are primarily 2T though he swims in some brands. Pants are still 24 months. He has short legs and a skinny waist, so anything larger falls right off. To be honest, some 24 month stuff falls down too, but 18 month stuff is too short. Eating is hit and miss. Things he will pretty consistently eat include mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, baby food pouches, cheese sticks, Cheerios, bagels with cream cheese, steamed broccoli and carrots, mandarin oranges, sliced grapes, and bananas. Obviously this is not all I feed him, but when he won’t eat whatever I did make, these are often our fallbacks.

I kind of love this guy.

Seeing Is Believing

Having to wait so long from a second, slow rising beta until a 7 week ultrasound was kind of agony. I really wavered from day to day on how I felt about the odds of anything actually growing in there. Then this week I started to believe. Maybe part of it is just that after so many weeks of nothing to tell me otherwise, I had to start thinking that things just might be okay in there. Another factor is my increasing appetite. Holy crap. About an hour after eating, my stomach is growling and I AM HUNGRY. And then there's the physical evidence. My chest hasn't looked so marvelous since the early days of nursing. (4-5 months of exclusive pumping destroys your bosom ladies, no joke!) And then there's this.

What my stomach looks like after I get out of bed each morning...

...and what it looks like before bed (with a full bladder).
I apologize for the patch glue on my stomach. I am sick of rubbing that stuff off.

When I was pregnant with Noah, right around the 7 week mark I started sprouting my nightly "food baby" as I called it. And yes, I would say it's definitely back. So these few little things started to give me some confidence. But of course doubt still lingered. At some point with Noah I was gagging on phlegm and dry heaving in the mornings. I never puked and never had all day nausea, but I would feel pretty gross (or as Noah puts it, "Grossy!") if I was too hungry. These things have not really shown up, and I'm feeling like they're not going to anytime soon. I should just count my blessings that I've had it easy both times, but lacking major symptoms is not totally reassuring for someone who wants to feel pregnant!

Well, today was my ultrasound, and any and all doubts must now be cast aside.

For here is Baby #2! My little pumpkin seed!

He's got a strong heartbeat of 141bpm, and he measured a few days behind at 6w5d. This doesn't even make me blink. With my betas starting out so slow, I kind of figured we'd see something around 6w4d. The gestational sac is much smaller than Noah's, but no one was remotely concerned. The sonographer also pointed out a very small black spot which could be a small clot or hematoma, but again no one was worried. (My only worry was, "Oh my God, that's not another baby, right?!") I haven't had any spotting, so most likely whatever it is will dissolve on its own.

So there you have it. I am really, truly pregnant, and I am 7w1d as of today. My due date is June 13, 2013. Oh man, it feels so good to finally say that!

No News Is Annoying

When I got pregnant with Noah, I was allowed to go off all of my hormone support after the second beta. I never went back to the clinic until my ultrasound at 7 weeks. When I was told this time to come in for weekly blood draws, I initially expected that they would look at the HCG. Then, over the weekend I started to feel doubtful. I became convinced that they would only check estrogen and progesterone levels today. Turns out I was right. When I got to the clinic this morning I asked the phlebotomist what we were testing today. Just E2 and P4. I complained and asked why we couldn't check HCG. She responded that at this point it's more important to know what the progesterone is doing, and if that looks good it's likely a healthy pregnancy. I don't know how they can be so confident when I'm taking PIO shots daily, and the level seems to fluctuate all over the place from week to week. The good news is that my levels have been consistently "excellent," but I personally don't see these numbers as very informative. Last week my P4 level was in the 80s, and today it was 57. It just needs to be over 20 to be ok, but I don't really know how they can decide that everything is fine just from that. I'll try to keep trusting them.

Things just feel so different this time around. I know that having had that chemical pregnancy back in May has made me more skeptical than I had been in the past. There's nothing like losing a pregnancy to convince yourself that every subsequent pregnancy is doomed. It bums me out to be in such a different head space. With Noah, I was nervous. Of course I was nervous. But I feel like I kind of embraced the hope so much faster. I remember playing songs to my little man early on and talking to him and telling him how much I hoped he would stick around. I obeyed all of the pregnancy rules strictly (no unpasteurized cheese, no deli meat, etc.). This time I feel far more detached. I don't talk to or play music for this baby. I ate a cold ham sandwich at the birthday party this weekend. I ate blue cheese crumbles on my salad Sunday night. These are things I never would have dared to do before. Part of it may just be the tendency to relax a little knowing that everything was fine last time. However, I really feel like a lot of it is that I'm not ready to celebrate this yet. I told myself before my second beta that if the numbers were ok, I would just enjoy this and trust that it's ok. This is likely my last pregnancy since we only plan to have two children and I want to enjoy every moment of it. I hope I can mentally get there soon.

In terms of symptoms, they seem to come and go. Sometimes I think I'm overanalyzing little things and attributing meaning when there is none. Do I actually feel a little nauseous? Am I really actually tired? Am I peeing more than normal or just drinking more water than usual? Or am I just paying so much attention and hoping for something to show up that I'm ending up with psychosomatic symptoms. There is no doubt that I gagged on my toothbrush yesterday morning, but was that only because I'm secretly hoping that I will? And then there's the flip side. I get through the day and think, "Gosh, I wasn't as tired today." Or I wake up in the morning and think, "Hmm, my chest doesn't seem as sore as it did last night." Or I go to bed and realize I never once felt even the tiniest bit nauseous all day. It's a crazy train that I absolutely hate being on. I know I'll survive until next Friday, but I really wish I could've gotten more information today. I'm sick of feeling so much doubt.

Today I am 5w4d. 10 days til ultrasound.

Fall Fun

I love the season of Fall. Minnesota is much prettier than Colorado at this time of year, so I kind of miss it. One part I really miss is going to Aamodt's Apple Farm outside of Stillwater, MN. I was determined to find something like it out here. So back in September we went to an orchard north of Denver. Website reviews made it sound pretty decent. Well, it was awful. Over an hour drive to hang out at the crappiest little farm/"orchard" ever. The only part any of us enjoyed that day was our stop at Culver's on the way home. Gotta love midwest fast food! (Why don't they have any in metro Denver?) We weren't allowed to pick any apples, as it's by reservation only. Apparently reservations fill up by March or April. All we could do was wander around the pathetic trees, buy apples from their sickly, small supply (we passed), and look at their horses and turkeys. Lame-o.

Not what I had in mind when I thought orchard.

I guess their garden was kind of pretty, minus the tiny biting flies.

Some of the weekends lately have been kind of wet and cold, so we've spent some time inside entertaining ourselves. A couple of weeks ago we had a pajama day. Noah enjoyed finger painting for the first time. And by enjoyed it, I mean he happily painted for a few minutes and then complained that his hands were messy.

This weekend we went to a birthday party for my friend Emily's daughter. We've had a lot of birthday parties lately, and it never fails that if Noah is being a grumpy boy, we can get him going by mentioning "party cake." He loves birthday parties! While everyone was eating their cake, Noah sang "Happy Birthday to you!" It was a cute little moment.

Yum!

Today we went to a pumpkin patch. It's the nicest one I've been to around Denver, but it only opens one weekend a year. Last year it was cold and rainy the whole weekend, so we had to try somewhere else later on. It was fun getting to have the authentic experience of wandering around a field to pick out the best looking pumpkin, rather than digging in a big crate at the grocery store. Noah really seemed to enjoy walking through the vines, despite getting tripped up by them once or twice. He was all smiles, except when I tried to take pictures. Of course.

Noah's baby pumpkin

Our pumpkin treasures. Noah looks thrilled.

In FET news, I POASed again yesterday. I wasn't sure it was a good idea because the line was so dark Wednesday. It probably couldn't get any darker. But I felt a little crampy yesterday, and had the hot feeling I tend to get when my period is close to showing up. I figured at least I could see if it was getting lighter. Luckily, it was still very dark. I'm really hoping the little guy is thriving in there!

18dp5dt or 5w1d

The Things I've Been Telling Myself

I'm not going to lie. Sunday night and most of Monday I was a nervous wreck. I was convinced this pregnancy was already doomed. I googled beta statistics to death and found many websites about hcg doubling times. Everything told me that anything between 48-72 hours was perfectly fine. I'm guessing that's why my clinic tests 72 hours apart. So people don't freak out when they don't double in the 48 hour range. For anyone else going through beta hell, I highly recommend this site. I read it every day, often more than once, and it has given me significant peace of mind. Plus it seems to be written by someone who knows just how tormenting the beta rollercoaster can be.

By yesterday I was starting to feel much calmer. I know that even if things are doomed, there is nothing I can do about it. I should just enjoy this while it lasts. Not totally easy, but it's the right thing to think right now. I've also told myself over and over that Noah was an exceptional fresh embryo. He was already hatching and likely implanted pretty quickly. It makes sense that he would have had such high numbers. And I have to remind myself that Noah was on the very quick end of the normal range. Since the first level I ever saw was the 141, who knows how fast it got there. So maybe this little guy was just a slow starter, or maybe he really is just fine.

My symptoms still seem less convincing than last time, but it's hard to know for sure. I have looked back at my entries from early pregnancy and found that I was terrible at documenting what was going on. All I ever talked about was a sore chest and being sleepy. My chest is tender, but not what I remember it feeling like last time. It's not obvious. I really have to squish around. One weird thing I have picked up on is that every once in a while I get a very faint sensation of milk let down. I haven't had that tingle since I was nursing (almost 2 years ago now), so it catches my attention every time. I think I'm a little more tired than normal, but it's hard to know. My job always exhausts me. The one big symptom I had with Noah was that each morning (and I don't remember when this started) I woke up with a lot of phlegm in the back of my throat. It made me gag and dry heave on occasion. I also gagged when I ate yogurt. The texture messed with me. I could be imagining things but it seems as though the phlegm might be reemerging. I certainly haven't gagged, but it feels like it might happen soon. I also have had on and off queasy feelings today which don't last long at all. I remember this happening with Noah as well, particularly when I hadn't eaten in a while. Each evening this week I have had a general burning muscle ache feeling in my abdomen, hips, and upper thighs. It kind of feels like menstrual pain, but not exactly. At first it unnerved me, but after three days of it I'm just accepting it. I know I had cramps, twinges, and sharp pains last time so I'm not going to try to read into it. The last thing I've noticed is a general discomfort with my pants seeming tighter and cutting into my abdomen. I know I experienced this last time, but it was worse then because I had just been through stimming and had been bloated since before the retrieval.

Despite all of these slightly reassuring sensations, I still needed something to say, "Yes Lisa, you are still pregnant." So when I picked up groceries this evening, a box of HPTs may have mysteriously ended up in my cart. (Actually Noah demanded that he hold the box and waved it around in front of every person he saw. Kind of funny.) I knew I was running the risk of totally freaking myself out, but I just needed to know. When I got home I took a test right away, and it was screamingly positive. One extremely dark pink test line and a much fainter control line. I know a HPT doesn't tell you just how much HCG you have, but it's still nice to see a definitely positive test which is much darker than the last one. So I feel better. I'm pretty sure I'll survive my wait until Tuesday now. Phew.

12dp5dt - Beta #2

HCG=149

The nurse said things look good. So why am I still so worried? Noah's beta results were so much higher: 141 and then 521, with a doubling time of 38 hours. These numbers are so much lower. At 12dpt I am now where I was last time at 8dpt. The doubling time is 62 hours. I know websites say the normal doubling time is 31-72 hours, but this just seems underwhelming. It doesn't help that I still have zero symptoms. My chest is barely sore, nothing like when I was pregnant before. I'm a little more tired during the day. Otherwise that is it. I have another blood draw next Tuesday, the 16th. Then an ultrasound on October 26th, if we make it that far. 

I really wish I had been in the 200s today. Ugh.

9dp5dt - Beta #1

This morning I woke up about 20 minutes before my alarm. I had just had a dream that I tested positive. I was in my kitchen and somehow peed on something that looked like a Noxzema pad. Two pink lines appeared in the middle of it. My mom was there and she gave me a big hug. Brian told me, "I knew it!" When I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt pretty crushed. Brian woke up shortly after to give me what I fully expected to be my last PIO shot. I laid on the heating pad for a little bit then got up and got ready for the day. On the way to daycare, I turned on my Sirius/XM playlist and told myself that the first song to pop up would give me a sign of whether or not I was pregnant (I'm a weirdo, I know.) The first song was "Nothingman." I switched it. "Sorry." I switched it again. "Missing." I just laughed and said aloud to Noah, "Well, if that isn't a sign, I don't know what is." After I dropped him off, I started to feel very anxious on my way to the clinic. It triggered a little crying spell, but I got myself back together. Once I got to the clinic, I just felt dread. I was the first lucky lady to get on the draw list, so I was called back right away. The phlebotomist announced, "It's the big day! Are you ready?" I replied back with a completely non-enthusiastic "sure." I told her I was not holding my breath, and she said that was probably the best attitude to have. "Surprise me, right?" Sure, whatever. I barely made it back to my car before I totally lost it and started crying uncontrollably. After a couple of minutes I wiped my eyes and headed to work.

The work day crawled. I had four students to meet with, but otherwise nothing else on my schedule. The phone call came in around 11:20, but I was with a student which guaranteed that I was letting it go to voicemail. I was feeling fairly calm and thought about listening to it and just getting everything over with. I decided not to on the chance that I lost it again like I did in my car. At some point I looked up the number for my previous RE's new practice so that I could call on my way home to set up a consultation. Finally, the end of the day got here. I listened to the voicemail as soon as I got into the car. The nurse asked me to give her a call with a good time to reach me. She said she had good news for me(!). I almost crapped my pants. I called back and told her any time was ok.

I called Brian and my mom on the way home and told them that I was expecting good news. I picked up Noah and we headed home. Around 4:20 the nurse finally called back. She congratulated me and told me it was positive! Beta=66. (Six is my lucky number, btw.) I told her it was much lower than Noah's beta of 141 and asked her what she thought about FETs producing lower betas. She said that does tend to be true and anything above 50 is really good at this point, and finished with "you're definitely pregnant." So holy fucking shit. I can't even begin to explain the level of disbelief I feel. Sunday is my next beta, so think "doubling" thoughts for us!

I only took this after I heard back from the nurse. My restraint amazes even me.

To Pee or Not To Pee

The two-week-wait is such torture. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Last time I broke down at 7dpt and tested. Seeing that positive sign was the most amazing experience and I’ll never forget it. The days following were awful though. It was a whole new level of agony trying to determine if the line was darkening or fading. I didn’t get my beta results until 12dpt, so it was a long wait to find out just what exactly was really happening. In some ways I regretted my decision to test early, because it brought on a whole new level of crazy. On the other hand, I think it was probably the right thing at the time since waiting the full 12 days would have really been difficult. Then, after the chemical pregnancy fiasco in May, I decided right then and there that whenever I finally go through with an FET, I would spare myself the pregnancy test misery. The reality is, no matter how many lines pop up, you’re still left to wonder. One line might mean you tested early, or you had a crappy stick, or you peed at the wrong time of day (at least these are the things we tell ourselves because denial is powerful). Two lines might mean you’re pregnant, or it might mean you were pregnant but aren’t anymore. So even though I am in full two-week-wait mental and emotional HELL, I am holding out until that phone call tomorrow. Plus I can’t stand the thought of seeing one line and then still having to shoot that damn PIO into me in the morning. No thank you!


Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Just one more day.

6dp5dt

Time continues to crawl by. I went in for bloodwork this morning and the phlebotomist felt sorry for how sore I appear to be. All of my E2 and P4 levels continue to look great, so if that's any consolation... No, not really. I also got the hook up on needles by driving across town after work to a hole-in-the-wall pharmacy. They charged 8 cents per needle, which is a lot less than the Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy I've been dealing with. I really don't think the needle will make much of a difference in the pain I'm experiencing, but there's something about a shorter needle that seems easier to handle.

I still feel pretty asymptomatic. The progesterone seems to have finally kicked in and made my chest a little uncomfortable. Saturday night at dinner I felt a little nauseous, but that was also the last day I took an HCG booster shot. I continue to have cramps on and off which feel like burning ovaries. My pants feel like they dig in a little when I'm sitting, and at times things just feel full in my abdomen. I seem a little dehydrated, and very hungry. The constipation continues, but my headache went away. The fatigue is gone. When I was pregnant with Noah my extra nipple popped out like a turkey timer by 7dp5dt, but unfortunately it stayed permanently "popped" so I can't read anything from it. Bummer.

I know, I know. You really can't read into anything. I apparently was pregnant back at the end of May and had ZERO idea until I was 5 days late and thought, "Why the hell is my period not starting?!" However, I remain pretty convinced that this didn't work. And yes, I remain steadfast in my decision to avoid the POAS madness. My beta is on Thursday, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the phone call. I want to hear the news with Brian, so I think it's best to let it go to voicemail and listen with Brian at home. I risk the possibility that they won't leave the actual results in the message, forcing me to call them back on Friday, but if that happens then I will POAS Thursday night.