Joyeux Noah!

Last night we had our own 1st family Christmas. We decided to celebrate a bit early since we are heading to Minnesota Tuesday afternoon. Wish us luck, as it will be Noah's first flight! The thought of a wiggle worm on our laps for 2 hours (and a dog in tow as well!) is a little daunting. Hopefully he'll do great and I'll be pleasantly surprised. For Christmas, we kept things small. Noah got 2 new outfits, two pairs of pajamas, one Christmas outfit, and four new board books (which he immediately slobbered/chewed all over!). This is by far the most fun I've ever had at Christmas! I don't need any gifts this year, because I was given the best gift of my life back in April. And here he is. :)

The bows were the best part, of course!

7 Months

I'm 7 months old!

I'm getting really bad at posting Noah's monthly updates in a timely manner! So without further ado, here's what Noah is up to at 7 months.

• We've moved on to size 3 diapers. He's kind of swimming in them, but size 2s seemed small around his thighs.
• He wears 6-9 month clothing. Most 6 month stuff is too short, but most 9 month stuff is too roomy.
• He weighs around 16.5 pounds.
• His eyes haven't seemed to change much this month. They are still a vivid brown at the center, and a hazel, bluish, greyish mix on the outside. They are so beautiful.
• His fuzzy hair is getting longer and longer. He still looks pretty bald though, because it's so fine and light.
• He drinks around 25 oz of BM/formula per day. I pump between 16-20oz these days, and nurse him once each morning. The rest comes in the form of formula.
• With the discovery of carrots came a renewed interest in solid foods. He's tried sweet potatoes, carrots, pears, applesauce, peas, and prunes. Peas and prunes caused gagging and eye watering. Can't say I blame him. He's also tried some mashed potatoes, which he smacked around like a dog eating peanut butter, and some sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving. He didn't seem impressed.
• Sleep is slowly getting better. Since about 2 weeks ago, he has slept through the night more nights than not (about 8-6 or 9-7). But he reserves the right to wake me up several times for a bad night here and there.
• He sits up like a pro now, although there's the occasional topple backwards, usually when he's tired or trying to reach for something.
• We finally have true babbling. He likes to say "ah-da-da-da" the best. No "ma-ma-mas" yet, and I'm not pushing it. I think it's silly when moms and dads fight over which sounds they make. Aside from babbling, he loves to make "grrrr" noises. And when I say "hi" to him, he often replies back with little "ahs" and "ha's."
• He recently started sucking his lips in, smacking his mouth, and making an "mmmmm" sound. It's pretty funny to watch.
• Crawling appears to be on the horizon. He can push himself up onto his hands and knees, then he rocks forward and back. A couple of times he's been able to move an arm or scoot his knees forward. Usually once he tries to move, his legs just collapse under him though.
• He rolls all over the place. I think he's starting to realize this is a form of getting where he wants to go. He can roll towards toys to get them within reach, and rolls towards mom and dad.
• He can pass toys from hand to hand (probably since 5 months, actually), and is getting very good at grabbing exactly what he wants.
• He stands with support.
• When playing peek-a-boo, he cranes his neck around corners and tries to find where I went. I love that he's trying to find me. And when I pop back into view, I get the most heart-melting giggles.
• He has 2 good naps a day (1-2 hours), with an occasional shorter nap in the early evening. It all depends on when he wakes up. We're still not on a clear schedule, but it doesn't really bother me.
• This month when we took his official picture, he noticed that we were putting a sticker on him. He promptly grabbed it off and tried to eat it. We couldn't take the picture until mommy finally snuck the sticker on without him noticing.
• Noah is completely obsessed with tags. If his toy has a tag on it, he'll grab at it and suck on it instead of playing with the toy. He's also discovered tags on his bouncer, changing pad cover, boppy pillow, and clothes. And he loves them all. This actually isn't a new habit. He's been obsessed with tags since maybe 5.5 months. I've just forgotten to mention it until now.

In other news, he came down with his first cold over the Thanksgiving holiday break. It's mostly just been a stuffy, runny nose. It hasn't seemed to bother him much though, thankfully.

Playing after the feast

Last night we attended a party for a pregnant friend. The party was to reveal the sex of their baby. They had a baker make a cake with either pink or blue dye, so that when they cut into it, we all found out at once. (It's a girl!) Another friend of mine was there with her 6 week old baby girl. I held her for a while, and realized I've completely forgotten how to hold a newborn! It also made me realize how much I love the age Noah is at now. He's so interactive and playful, yet still very much a cuddly, sweet baby. While I'm excited that he's meeting milestones on time and getting ready for big boy skills, it also makes me kind of sad. Before I know it, he won't be my little baby anymore. And I'm so not ready for that! Time needs to slow down for a while.

His best buddy, Wilson. (My "nanny's" 10.5 month old.)

Little Turkey

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the miracles of modern day science. Especially this one...

And yes, I'm thankful for my family, too.

Happy 1st Thanksgiving, Noah. Thank you for making me a Mommy.

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

When Brian and I first moved to the Denver area 5 years ago, we were the only married couple out of all of the friends I made in grad school. It followed suit that we would be the first to have a baby. But wow, they are now following close behind! Every last good friend I've made here is either pregnant, or a new mommy herself. It's been oddly difficult for me at times to be around so many baby bumps, but I'm truly happy for each and every one of them. It's not the same bitter jealousy that I once felt around random pregnant people. It's more of a feeling of "oh how I loved and miss being pregnant." I have a couple of friends who have been dealing with infertility as well. This week, I found out that one of them is finally pregnant! She *should* have a baby about 3 weeks older than Noah, but she lost her baby at 8 weeks last fall. It was heartbreaking to go through that with her, and I felt so guilty since I went on to have my baby. She's now about 16 weeks and due around the same time of year I was. I am SO thrilled for her. I pray that her pregnancy stays uneventful, and come April, Noah will have a new friend (or by that time, about 5 new friends)! This is such a fun time in life!

6 Month Appointment

In my most tired moments I long for when Noah is a teenager, but only because at that age kids sleep. A LOT. At least I know I did. We finally introduced some formula to supplement my dwindling supply (although I have been able to pump a little more consistently). The last two nights I've mixed 3.5oz breastmilk with 2.5oz formula. Both nights he drank it like a champ. He was slower to fall asleep both nights, and he's woken up around 3:30am both times as well. And here I thought formula was supposed to help them sleep longer. Instead we seem to be going backwards. Oh well. If I've been able to hang in for 6 months, I know I can keep it up. And it all feels worth it when I'm burping him at 3:00am and he falls asleep on my shoulder. As much as I want to go back to sleep, I often wait a few extra minutes to enjoy his breath on my neck. Sometimes I miss the days where he would only nap if he was napping on me. Time goes so fast!

Last Thursday Noah had his follow-up ultrasound to check on his kidneys. (Just to recap, at our 20 week prenatal ultrasound, he was diagnosed with pyelectasis, which essentially means he had extra fluid in his kidneys. A follow up u/s at 6 weeks postpartum showed it was still there.) The tech said he still had some fluid in each, but that his bladder was really full which can sometimes cause that. We waited and waited for him to pee, but he wouldn't cooperate, so we gave up. Monday morning was his 6 month appointment. Our pediatrician checked the u/s results and delivered the not so stellar news. Basically, at this point they expected his kidneys to be fluid-free. Since they aren't, he has to have a procedure called a cystogram in which they stick a catheter up his urethra, inject dye up into his bladder, and then watch where it goes. If there's a problem with the valves in his bladder, then the dye will make its way to his kidneys. If that happens, they rate the severity of the problem on a scale of 1-5. A score of 1-3 is okay, in that he will just continue to be monitored by a urologist. A score of 4-5 though and we start to discuss surgery. I guess at his age, the odds of that are miniscule, and since he's never had any sort of urinary infection, it's very unlikely. But still, no one wants to hear the word "surgery" for their baby. He'll have the cystogram done next Friday.

Aside from all of that, Noah is a long little peanut. He weighed in at 15lbs, 9.5oz (13th %ile) and measured 27" (65th %ile). He's getting more and more personality each day. He is starting to babble instead of making random shrieks and grunts, and it's so fun to babble back at him. When I feed him these days, he likes to reach up and grab at my face. Today (11/7) I pretended to eat his fingers, which highly amused him. Each day he also gets better at sitting on his own. Wow, they grow up TOO fast!

It's so hard to leave him every morning, but he's in amazing hands. I guess I haven't elaborated much on "daycare." Every day, one of my friends makes a 30 minute commute to my house to watch Noah along with her 10 month son. On Wednesdays she leaves her son home with her husband and Noah gets one-on-one care. There's no way we're paying her what she's worth, especially considering she often goes out of her way to clean the dishes and kitchen, and she sends me picture messages and takes videos of him. I love her and feel so lucky to have such an extraordinary friend!

Happy Halloween!

Finally, A Real Update

A recent family photo, taken just in time before a windy day blew away all our pretty leaves.

Holy crap, this month has been busy! As I mentioned before, we've had lots of family visits. My mom was here last week for an extended weekend and she had a blast watching Noah. It's always so nice to have parents in town, because they cook and clean! Lord knows I need the help! Work has also been insane. I am so busy every day that pumping regularly is almost impossible. The really hard part is that I often get called on to help out with issues in the school, like a kid melting down, or a student making suicidal statements, or a parent who showed up unexpectedly to talk to me. Sometimes I truly can't take a break to pump. As a result, my once overabundant supply is no longer keeping up with demand. It really bums me out to know that we need to start transitioning to formula soon. Mostly because I didn't plan on it, it's just become necessary. I wanted it to be on my terms, but life (work) is getting in the way. I guess I never really set a firm goal for myself, and I really wanted to stick with breastmilk exclusively until 6 months. So I did get that far. It's just hard to let go. What can I say, I have a nasty streak of perfectionism and a mild case of OCD (must make more milk!). My plan is to continue pumping as much as I can, and supplementing with formula as needed. We shall see.

Aside from all of that, Noah turned one-half year last Thursday. It's really hard to believe he's 6 months old already. Here's an update of his latest and greatest accomplishments:

• Still wearing size 2 diapers
• He's blown out of 3/6 month clothing, and mostly wears 6/9 month stuff. He's long and lean, so some 6 month stuff is too short for him, but roomy in the middle.
• He weighs around 15.5 pounds. We'll get the newest stats at his 6 month appointment next Monday.
• His beautiful, big eyes have the most amazing, dark, thick lashes. The color of his eyes continues to change. The center of his eyes are turning a vivid brown, but the outside is still a bluish, greenish, hazel mixture. If they stay this way, girls' hearts are going to be melting in about 16 years or so. (Mine already does, every single day.)
• His hair is starting to get a little longer, and much fuzzier.
• He drinks around 25 oz of BM per day. I make between 20-25ish. I only nurse him overnight because my supply is pretty crummy the rest of the time. I make the majority of my milk in the morning and late in the evening after he's in bed.
• Solid foods are hit and miss. Rice cereal doesn't seem to interest him too much. He'll never eat more than 1.5 tsp with about 4 tsp of milk. That's practically nothing! He has also tried sweet potatoes and pears. He seemed to like both, but again, he won't eat much at one sitting.
• With the introduction of sweet potatoes, his poo turned to the consistency of peanut butter. He also has been pooing WAY less. Not sure what's normal and what isn't anymore. Hmmph.
• He grabs everything that gets within reach. Mommy's hair is especially fascinating. (Ouch.) Once he gets ahold of something, he waves his arm wildly, thrashing like a mad man. Sometimes whatever he's grabbed gets catapulted a good distance from him. He'll often look for something he's dropped, but if he doesn't see it right away, it's out of sight, out of mind. Also, if it's in his hand, then it's in his mouth. He chews/sucks on EVERYTHING!
• When in his jumperoo, he jumps (and jumps and jumps), plays with all of the toys, and laughs. He loves his jumperoo!
• He can sit unassisted for short periods of time. When he gets excited though, he kicks his legs which makes him tip. He also tips over if he starts mouthing something. Which is all of the time basically. But he's made a lot of progress in just the last week, so I think we'll have this sitting thing mastered in no time.

Gilbert is very motivating... "Gimme that dog!"

• There's no such thing as "tummy time" anymore, because he spends all of his time there. Definitely not something we have to make him do.
• He still does the inchworm thing, but he doesn't seem to realize that it's actually getting him somewhere. However, he does seem to have some understanding that rolling can get him closer to something he wants. If someone lies next to him, he sometimes rolls in their direction to get closer.
• He is still absolutely in awe of Gilbert. Nothing can capture his attention like the dog. He has recently been reaching for him and grabbing his fur. Gilbert isn't too sure he likes any of this.
• Blowing raspberries with Noah is more fun than I ever thought possible. He mimics us, and all on his own (just yesterday) he decided it would be way more fun to stick his tongue out when he does it. It's a spitty, drooly, adorable form of entertainment for our whole family.
• One of his favorite games is looking at mommy in the bathroom mirror. He'll first spot me in the big mirror, then he'll look to the side and find me in the vanity mirror on the left wall. Then he goes back and forth between the two mirrors, always making sure he catches my eye and smiling a HUGE smile before he changes mirrors. It's the cutest game ever.

Overall, Noah is a happy, easy baby. I never knew I could love anyone this much, and every day I love him even more. My heart, my life, is so very full.

6 Months!

Life is keeping me WAY too busy! I have a mini Fall break coming up, so I will try to update later this week. For now, here's an overdue 6 month photo. Man I love this kid!

Inchworm

Noah astounds me with how quickly he develops new skills. Within the last two weeks he's gone from never wanting to be on his tummy to being on his tummy all the time. Then he started pulling his knees under himself and waving his butt around in the air. Now he's getting his knees under himself and trying to push up with his arms. His head pushes into the ground, and he wobbles side to side until he falls in one direction. When doing this, he looks like a little inchworm because he slowly moves himself forward with each butt raise. It's getting him into a little trouble in his crib. Last night he woke crying and I found him with his head crammed into the corner of the crib with his right arm sticking out the slats. Poor little guy. He's still working on sitting. He can lean forward and support himself with his arms for seconds at a time, but that's about it. I'm sure one day soon he'll floor me again and master it completely.

Eating cereal has been another skill we've been working on. At first, he was opening his mouth well but letting most of the cereal drip right out. Now he's keeping most of it in. He appears to be quite excited about venturing into the world of big boy food. He waves his arms and kicks his legs when he sees me getting it ready, and gives me a HUGE smile with the first bite (which doesn't help to keep the cereal in much). He also is starting to grab the spoon so he can chew on it. Up until now I gave the cereal to him with his second to last bottle of the day. Today I decided to give him cereal in the morning as well. He seemed quite pleased to be eating breakfast with mommy. We'll keep this up until the 6 month appointment (yet to be scheduled, I keep forgetting to do that), and then we'll look into more exciting foods to try. Bring on the yucky poop!

October has already been very busy with visitors! My in-laws were here the first weekend. It was a great visit, and all of their cooking, cleaning, shopping, and helping with Noah led me to be the most relaxed I've been in a while.

Playing with Gamma Wendy

My dad came into town Wednesday night and will be here until tomorrow. Then my mom is visiting from the 21st-24th. I guess that's what happens when you have a grandchild 900+ miles from his grandparents! Don't get me wrong though, we LOVE the company! It's fun to share Noah with our family!

Grandpa feeding Noah

Change Isn't Always Easy

What a week. Where to start? On Monday I decided that Noah didn't seem to be eating well with nursing. Tuesday afternoon I pumped and bottle-fed instead of nursing, and then Wednesday I pumped and bottle-fed exclusively. Can I just say to all those moms out there who have been pumping exclusively for a while, YOU ARE AMAZING! What a lot of work. I definitely wouldn't be able to keep that up for long. And it seems that Noah won't let me. Within days of trying it out, he became extremely fussy and had some major crying spells which is really unlike him. Friday night he woke up early and was inconsolable until I put him to the breast. He quieted down and fell asleep quickly. I guess he's just not ready to be completely weaned. And that's fine, because I don't think I am either. I still worry that he's not getting enough, but even with a bottle full of BM, it's hit or miss whether he'll eat much. I must just have a fussy eater (probably payback for how picky I was as a kid, right Mom?).

In his 5 month update, I mentioned that he's not into rolling to his tummy very much. Well, you can scratch that now. As soon as he's put down in his crib, he flips right over so he can sleep on his tummy. When we play on the blanket, he likes to turn over so he can look around (mostly at the dog). Apparently tummy time is where it's at now. I also said he's still eating breastmilk exclusively. My goal was to keep that up until 5.5 months, but we decided to start solids about a week early. Last night was his first attempt at rice cereal. He definitely has no idea how to swallow. Instead he makes tongue movements like he's trying to nipple feed, and more of the cereal ends up on his bib than in his tummy. (Maybe he was just upset that we had him in such a girly bib.) But he opened his mouth well for the spoon and seemed like he was truly interested in trying something new. We shall see!

Finally, this morning Noah sat unassisted for a few brief seconds. And when I say "sat," I mean he leaned forward, propping himself up with his arms, until he pretty much folded himself in half. But he didn't immediately fall to the side, and that is major progress! Yay Noah!

5 Months!

Noah turned 5 months on Tuesday. Here's a rundown of what he's up to these days.

• Wears size 2 diapers
• Wears 3-6 and 6 month clothing
• Weighs around 14.5 pounds
• Eats 4-6 ounces per bottle, and eats 6-7 times per day
• Still exclusively breastfed (either by bottle or from the tap)
• Still wakes up overnight every night for a meal :(
• Still lacks a good head of hair
• His eyes are currently hazel, mostly bluish gray on the outside, and brownish green around the iris
• Stays up longer periods of time, 2-3 hours at a time
• Loves to smile
• Belly laughs on occasion, giggles a lot
• Turns for voices sometimes, especially mommy’s
• Shows some stranger anxiety, mostly with Uncle Brady
• Loves to watch the dog
• Puts everything in his mouth, and loves to suck on his hands
• Likes to stick his tongue out
• Likes to fall asleep on his side
• Sleeps in a sleepsack (no more swaddle!)
• Sits up with support
• Loves to stand with support
• When standing, he often tenses all of his muscles and grunts/yells
• Rolls over both directions, less back to front though (Daddy has yet to witness this talent)
• Actually jumps and “dances” in the Jumperoo
• Just started grabbing his feet

Nursing is still an ongoing struggle. He seems to have good weeks and bad weeks. I'm starting to suspect it might have to do with my diet. Last week we had a lot of home-cooked meals and I packed healthy lunches each day, and Noah nursed extremely well. This week we ate out every night and my lunches were crap, and Noah has been pretty fussy and nursing poorly. Definitely something for me to think about. I guess I have to get over my aversion of grocery shopping. Anything for my little man. I love him SO much!

Crying Over Spilled Milk

2.5 ounces, all over the table and floor of my office. 6.5 ounces was spared. Oh well. (I can't complain too much because I pumped 9 oz in one sitting!) But I won't make that mistake again. I also turned the baby monitor off in my sleep last night, so I slept until almost 6:00am. Noah was awake but didn't seem upset. Bad mommy today!

Sleepsack Success!

Maybe Noah has been trying to tell me something for a while now. On Sunday, after weeks of fighting with the swaddle, I decided to try one nap with just a sleepsack. I thought arms-free sleeping was going to be the struggle of a lifetime. But guess what? Noah took two nice naps in a row, so I decided to jeopardize my sanity and try a night long attempt at the sleepsack. He woke up once for a pacifier, and once to eat. Last night he only woke up to eat. All of his naps have gone fine. In fact, I think he may be even happier without the swaddle, because as it turns out, my little man loves to turn on his side and fall asleep that way and he couldn't do that in the confinement of the swaddle. I am so glad I bit the bullet and gave the sleepsack a try!

Noah also blessed me with a weekend of excellent nursing, and I've pumped personal record amounts over the last two days. I'm very happy about all of this, because if I can hold off on the formula at least until 6 months, I will feel like less of a failure. (Repeat to self, Lisa, "You are doing the best you can!") ;) Of course, everything could change in the matter of hours, so we'll see how it all plays out.

Challenges

It's been a challenging week to say the least. On the nursing front, I was becoming concerned that my supply was dropping, and maybe it is, but I feel a little better this weekend. Noah has been eating a little bit better, and refusing the nipple less than last weekend. I have some formula that Enfamil sent me long before he was born, but I'm holding out on using it. I would love to breastfeed exclusively until 6 months, and introduce rice cereal just before that mark. However, a month and a half is a long time in baby land, so we'll see. I just have to tell myself that no matter what happens, I have done the absolute best that I can.

The other big issue that has arisen is the looming death of the swaddle. My little Houdini has become too strong for his Swaddle Me, so I often wake up to his cries when he has freed himself. He seems to have no idea how to control his arms and keep them from smacking his face or launching his pacifier out of his mouth. For so long I thought we were so smart for using the swaddle because it helped him sleep and he could soothe himself. Now I wish we had never used it. It's so insanely hard to wean him from it! I've tried the one arm out trick which he is doing ok with, but it seems to make it easier for him to get his other arm free. As of this moment, he has been sleeping in just a sleepsack for almost an hour, so I'm holding out hope that we're making progress. Baby steps... no pun intended! I also want to get rid of the swaddle because my little man finally rolled over back to front last weekend! I'm so proud, but the thought of him rolling onto his tummy while confined in the swaddle scares me a bit!

This was how I found Noah yesterday morning, looking quite proud and amused. He almost completely defeated his swaddle, except for one leg. Silly little monkey. He cracks me up!

Broken Record

I feel like one. It seems like the biggest issue I have as a mom is with breastfeeding. It makes me so frustrated and stressed out when Noah stops nursing well. I was all excited for a three-day weekend with the little guy, but I've mostly just been miserable. He has been nursing terribly, except overnight. Yesterday he nursed for a total of 46 minutes overnight, then only 20 more minutes the rest of the day. Every time I fed him, he would pull away repeatedly, grunt, and tense up his body. The only time he ate well was when he took a bottle while we were at a friend's house. This morning has been more of the same. After he ate, I brought him downstairs where he proceeded to spit up all over himself and me. He also kept screaming and tensing up. I just don't know what to think or do anymore. I've tried other nursing positions (which I absolutely suck at), feeding more frequently, feeding less frequently, but in the end he seems happiest with a bottle. And pumping at work is so hard because I have kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants job. I'm often reacting to kids melting down or surprise meetings with teachers or parents, so it's often hard to pump when I need to. It feels pretty awkward (and sometimes rude) to have to tell people that I need to go pump. I really want to stick with breastfeeding, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth the stress it puts on me. Shouldn't I just enjoy my time with Noah, rather than cry in frustration?

It's Raining... Babies!

We attended a friend's baby shower yesterday and had a great time! It's a good thing I have Noah or it might have been torture what with 4 pregnant women in attendance! Speaking of Noah, he was so dang cute (and well behaved) at the shower. He was content up until the very end (likely due to poor napping conditions at the party). It was really hot so we had him in just a diaper. His baby boobs and buddha belly were too adorable! The little man is becoming so verbal, too. He loves to talk to us. In fact, when I put him down after his early morning feeding, he'll lie in his crib and babble for about 10 minutes. It's so hard not to go back in his room, scoop him up, and snuggle him. Instead, I turn the video monitor on and watch him. The camera is above his head, so he stares up at the little green light on it and talks away. I love seeing his big eyes staring up at the camera, like he knows I'm watching him. My heart melts every time. I'm so in love!

4 Month Appointment

Finding the time to blog is getting harder. Especially since the time that I do have now is so precious and I want to spend it all with Noah. If only I didn't have to work. However, I kind of feel a little more sane and balanced now that I'm back to the grind. Some days I almost drove myself mad obsessing over whether Noah ate enough or peed enough. Now I just enjoy my time with him and let everything else go. Having my friend watch him during the day is also just so amazing, and really lets me relax when I'm away. I feel so extremely lucky and blessed for this to have worked out so well. Seeing Noah "play" with her 7 month old is way too cute. And she sends me text messages and pictures of him during the day. Love it!

Monday was Noah's four month appointment. He has doubled his birthweight exactly, so he is now 13lbs 8oz. He was 24.5 inches, but every time they measure him it's totally different. Supposedly he shrunk since last time, so I don't trust it at all. I can't believe how much he has grown! The pediatrician gave us the green light for solids, but I feel like I want to wait a little still. There's something so special to me knowing that I am supporting his growth with breastmilk alone. And selfishly, I don't want to deal with funky poop. The runny wet stuff is easy and not too smelly. I guess I'll have to let go of that sometime though.

4 Months!

Yesterday was the 4 month mark. It's amazing how long 4 months seemed to take when I was pregnant, and how fast 4 months has gone by since! Noah continues to amaze us every day with all of his new skills and interests.

So what is Noah doing now?

• Sucking on his hands. He can't get enough. He has gotten so aggressive at it that he has left hickeys and bruises on his arm from chomping down so hard.
• Sometimes when he's attacking his arms, he rolls onto his side. He can roll completely over from front to back. Still no back to front rolling action though.
• When lying down, he will sometimes raise his butt up in the air and scoot backwards with his legs. He can turn himself 90 degrees if he keeps at it long enough.
• He likes looking at the baby in the mirror. He smiles and smiles, until he sees mom and realizes that somehow she's holding another baby. Then he cries.
• If he's sitting in our laps, he tries to stand up. He loves to stand with support.
• He loves his Fisher Price Jumperoo. Just yesterday, at exactly 4 months, he started pushing himself to stand in it, leaning forward and reaching for the toys on it. Some are connected with a tether, and he kept knocking them over the side and then grunting in frustration. It was hilarious!
• He's become a little drool monster!
• He started wearing size 2 diapers last week. We have blow-outs from time to time, straight up the back. Messy!
• Bottle feeding is going well during the week. Usually he eats 4-4.5 ounces per feeding. My pumping output is about 12 ounces for two sessions, so I'm keeping up with him so far!
• Watching Gilbert (our dog) is pretty entertaining for him.
• He stays awake for about 90 minutes at a time, then naps for 45 minutes up to 2 hours. When he's sleepy he rubs his eyes with his hands or buries his face in my chest. As we put him down he shrieks something fierce, but usually falls asleep quickly. We haven't had to rock him to sleep in months!
• Sleeping through the night has become pretty sporadic. Last night he graced me with 9 hours between feedings (woke up at 4:50am), but most nights he wakes me up around 1:00am.
• He giggles more often. He thinks it's really funny if I bounce my face up and down right in front of him and make silly noises. He also laughs when I kiss his cheeks over and over.
• His little hands reach for everything these days. When I'm changing him he grabs his onesie and yanks it towards his face. He also takes the cloth that I cover him with to prevent getting peed on and pulls it off of himself. Naughty little thing!
• When I'm holding him on my hip, he wraps one arm around my shoulder to hold tight and grabs onto my shirt with his other hand. I love how he clings to me!
• His blue eyes are starting to change. I'm curious to see the final result!

I'm sure there's so many other little things I've forgotten. It's hard to keep track of all his talents! :)

Adventures in Pumping

Going back to work has been exhausting. Having my mom here this week has made it pretty easy, especially since she cooks dinner every night. But when I have to come home and prepare a meal and take care of Noah, it will only get harder. For now, I'm just trying to get through the days. I'm pretty tired because Noah is waking up around midnight and 5:30am every night. I have to be up around 5:00 to make sure I can get ready and take care of him before I have to leave around 7:00. It's quite an adjustment! The absolutely awesome news though is that I will never have to worry about bringing him anywhere in the morning. At the last minute, one of my friends offered to come to my house to watch Noah during the days. She has a 7 month old son and she wants to stay home with him, so we're both really happy with this arrangement. I still can't believe my luck! I'm so, so thankful for this turn of events. I was not thrilled about daycare!

So on to pumping. I have to say it feels really weird, despite total privacy, to undress half-way and hook a machine up to my chest while at work. But I'm sure eventually it will start to feel more normal, or at least more a part of my daily routine. At least I have my own offices in my schools and access to private refrigerators in the nurse's office. Today pumping was especially interesting. My department had a meeting at the Zoo, and I wasn't sure where to pump. In the morning I found a private family restroom and used that. It was quite the experience. They have a speaker system in the bathroom that plays educational information about the pooping habits of various animals. So here I am, pumping milk and listening to a woman's voice telling me that momma kangaroos lick up their baby's poop when they make a mess in mommy's pouch. And that some weird species of animal has poisonous poop, which it then rubs all over its body to keep predators at bay. Fun times! In the afternoon I went to the guest center and asked if there was somewhere else I could pump. A security guard opened up the first aid room for me, which was way nicer (and quieter) than the family restroom. But as I was getting close to finishing, I heard someone trying to get in. I totally freaked out at the thought of a total stranger walking in on me, but luckily they left. Phew. Man, breastfeeding is such a commitment! But all I have to do is look at Noah's sweet face, and it all becomes worth it.

Next week we have our 4 month appointment, and I'm hoping to get the green light to try some solids. Maybe that will help fill him up at bedtime and he can sleep longer for mommy!

Back to Work

Tomorrow is the much dreaded return to work. It's pretty much the last thing on earth I want to do. I know he'll be in good hands with my mom, but I can't remember the last time I felt this anxious. Major tears will be (have been) shed. Boo, hiss. Work sucks.

Stressed Out

Breastfeeding is not going well. Friday was my birthday (the big three-o) and we had a small gathering of friends over at night for food and drinks. Somehow with the stress of trying to get the house and myself looking presentable, and taking care of Noah, I found very little time to eat anything all day. I was literally starving. And I ended up being the one to hold Noah most of the night, so I barely got to snack or eat at the party. Then yesterday we had a wedding to go to in the evening. I tried hard to eat and drink better during the day, but there ended up being a huge wait between ceremony and reception (2.5 hours!). When I got home I was feeling pretty engorged, so I pumped. It was the most watery milk I've ever seen. I stuck it in the fridge, and this morning there is virtually no fat in it at all. Currently, our house has no decent groceries. Brian left for the store, but in the meantime I still have nothing to eat while I wait. I am super stressed out. So much so that I swore at two Mormons who came to our door this morning. We have a polite sign on the screen door asking that no one knock or ring the doorbell because we have a baby who may be sleeping and a dog who will bark. These two idiots still knocked, and then as I took Jesus' name in vain and swore about how they were waking up our baby, they had the balls to ask if there was anything they could help us with! Um yeah, go away. And I guess pray for me, because I'm probably going to hell. Oh, and I slammed the door in their face. Ugh.

Sleeping Through the Night?

Oh Mommy, that is SOOO last month.

Sad but true. I'm guessing it's just a phase or growth spurt or whatever, but either way, it feels like awful timing considering I start work again next Friday. The past couple of nights he's been waking up earlier and earlier, from 3:00, to 2:00, and last night 1:00. For almost all of July he was consistently going to bed between 8:00 and 9:00 and waking up between 4:00 and 5:00. Oh well. When he was just a newbie, I would have been thrilled at the thought of only waking up once!

In other Noah news, we went back to the doctor this week to have his leg looked at again. All of his blood tests were normal which ruled out the really scary stuff. Plus he appears to be too happy and healthy to have anything seriously wrong with liver or kidneys, as they had mentioned as worst case scenario. Three different doctors have seen him though, and they still can only guess at what is going on. It could be petechiae, which based on its description seems to kind of fit (Google it if you're curious, I can't explain it!). Or it might be a late-developing birth mark. They suggested seeing a dermatologist who may be better able to identify what it is. I just wish it would go away.

My Future's So Bright...

I gotta wear shades.

Brian Thinks I'm Crazy

He might be right. At least it's quite possible. Lately I've been going through some serious pregnancy withdrawal. It might have something to do with the fact that three of my close friends are all expecting this fall and winter. Seeing their baby bumps makes me miss mine so much! I wish I could have Noah on the outside and inside at the same time. Is that totally bizarre? Brian tries to remind me that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. There was endless hip pain, poor sleep, and a constantly itchy belly. Somehow I've forgotten all of that. I really did enjoy my pregnancy. I was never sick, and I loved feeling the kicks and stretches, even if sometimes I thought he was going to kick his foot right through my cervix. I guess for me, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. I couldn't wait for it. It didn't occur to me for a while that the end result was going to be a real, live baby. The goal for so long was just to be pregnant. Now that it's over, I really do miss it. I also really regret not taking many pictures of my pregnant body with my face in them. That was stupid of me. Next time there will be lots of pictures!

So I know that I definitely want at least one more go at this. And no, despite my serious bump envy, I won't be running back to the fertility clinic any time soon. Which brings me to another thing that's been on my mind. Even after having been pregnant and enjoying my new baby, it pisses me off that getting pregnant doesn't come naturally to Brian and me. I wish we could experience the excitement of being surprised. Of not enduring a two week wait, wondering if the thousands of dollars you just spent will pay off. Not having to make difficult decisions like one embryo or two, and what will we do if we end up with extras? When I had my 6 week postpartum appointment the nurse must have forgotten that Brian and I had an in vitro baby, because when she saw that I wrote "none" next to birth control plans, she asked me in a scolding voice, "So you want to get pregnant again right away?" And while the answer was (and mostly still is ;) ) "no," it's a pretty crappy thing to say to an infertile couple. Because honestly if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, no matter how soon, without needing to undergo any procedures that involve exposing my lady bits to a room full of people, I would be fucking thrilled!

Hard to Believe

Sometimes the littlest things...

(8/1/09)

make the biggest difference in our lives.

I love you, Noah.

Proud Momma!

Noah has not always been the biggest fan of tummy time. We recently introduced the Boppy, and he's been getting better and better at lifting his head. Today we put him down without the Boppy to see what he could do. He absolutely stunned us by rolling over! He's never even shown hints at trying to do so. I thought it might be a lucky fluke, but then he did it again. I'm so proud!! We have yet to see any interest in rolling over back to front, but this is such an exciting milestone!

(For the record, it's Brian's voice.)

Oh God, I Love Him

My love for Noah hits me in waves. When I'm holding him and he's starting to get sleepy, he turns his head towards my body and rubs his eyes against me. He clings to me with one hand and holds tight. At these moments, I often find myself realizing all over again that he is mine. I am his mommy and he is my son. He wants me when he's tired or cranky. I don't have to put him down or give him away to someone else. I am the comfort he is looking for. I get to be the one to wake up with him in the morning and kiss him good night. I get to feed him when he's hungry and hold him whenever I want. I used to feel so envious when I looked at mom's holding their babies. I wanted a little one who wanted me. It's such an awesome feeling. I try not to take it for granted.

It makes me sick to think that some people don't have these feelings for their children. There was a woman here in Denver who was arrested for child abuse a while back, and the story makes me want to vomit. Her boyfriend gave her two year old son a bath in scalding hot water. She picked her boyfriend and son up, along with her other child, to run some errands and grab some fast food. The whole time her son was dying in the backseat with third degree burns all over his body. When they finally decided to bring him to the hospital, his skin was falling off his body. The poor little boy died. His mother knew he was badly burned, but somehow McDonald's and Walmart were more important? Some people have no idea what a gift fertility is, and how precious their children are. They don't deserve it. They have no idea how much heartache some people have to endure to have their own children. It's not fair.

Today in History

It was one year ago today that 15 amazing little embryos came to life in a petri dish. We had no idea if we would we have anything to show for it in the end, but we were so excited that we had finally created life! Seeing how perfect and amazing Noah is, I can't help but wonder at the potential of our 10 snowbabies. Don't worry though. This girl has no plans for a reality show on TLC.

Happy anniversary Noah. I'm so blessed to have you in my life!

Medical Mystery

It's oh so comforting when you go to the doctor and they say, "Honestly, I don't know what to tell you because I've never seen anything quite like it." And also when a second doctor gets called in for consult and asks you, "Neither of you have any history of bleeding disorders, do you?" So Noah has had small red dots on the shin of his right leg for a while. About a week ago I had him in the Baby Bjorn and noticed that his leg turned cherry red. I took him out and saw that the little red dots looked worse, and it became obvious that the dots were little capillaries that were broken. I decided that was the end of the Baby Bjorn and haven't used it since. Then the other night we went to dinner and Noah was tired and cranky and starting screaming something fierce. When we got home I noticed that his leg looked worse yet. We decided to make an appointment for yesterday to figure out what is going on. And those are the responses we got. They had him get a blood draw (big boy style with a tourniquet, and he didn't really cry until they bandaged him up) to check white and red blood cell counts and coagulation. We heard back right away on the blood cell counts which were totally normal. We'll get the coag results on Monday. And if they are fine? "I don't know what to tell you, but if it doesn't go away or gets worse, we'll have you see a dermatologist." Oh, how comforting... For a while I also thought the doctor was going to accuse us of abuse because she really thought it looked like bruising from a compression injury. I thought just one look through his records and she'd see that I dropped him once, and now he has unexplainable bruising, and social services would be there in a heartbeat. Thankfully I think we come across as loving and genuinely concerned parents.

In other news, his appetite appears to have returned, and his naps have gotten longer again. I guess when one worry goes away, another one just has to appear.

Three Months

It's hard to believe Noah is three months, and that I have only three weeks of maternity leave/summer vacation left. By the time I go back to work I will have had four months off. A third of the year seems like it should feel longer than it has. Boo.

I've already posted about a lot of the things Noah has been doing as of late. What I haven't really mentioned is how much this kid is cooing. He used to be all smiles during diaper changes and play time, but now he often makes these hysterical, and often very earnest faces and then oohs and aahs up a storm. And if he isn't cooing, then he's sucking on his little hands like a mad man. There have only been a couple more episodes of giggling, and none quite as convincing as the first. His new hobby of reaching for things continues, and he's often able to actually grab a hold of what interests him. But once he gets it in his hand, he usually drops it immediately.

My nursing woes continue, and are morphing into generalized anxiety. Yesterday Noah was really hard to make happy. He didn't seem interested in nursing, so I'd try to play with him. That would get old within 30 minutes and he'd start rubbing his eyes. So then I'd try giving him a nap. Forty-five minutes later he'd be awake again. Not too interested in eating, not too content to play. So nap again. And on and on. Then at night, he barely seemed to eat anything and was really fussing in his crib. I tried giving him a bottle, and he sucked it down in no time which made me so confused. Why, if he's hungry, is he not nursing well? His latch seems to be getting worse by the day, and I'm afraid with his decreased interest that my supply is going to deteriorate. As I said, anxiety over all of this is driving me insane. I almost want to try pumping exclusively, because it's so reassuring to me when I know how much milk he's actually drinking. I should probably just relax, but it's hard when he's acting less content by the day. (And having less and less really wet diapers.)

In other news, we interviewed the licensed day care provider last night. What a nightmare. I mentioned that Noah has a hard time sleeping if he's not swaddled, and would she be willing to use the wrap that we use. We got a 10 minute lecture on why swaddling is awful, and how he'll never develop core strength, roll over, sit up, or walk if we continue to swaddle him. And story after story of swaddled kids who went through Child Find because they needed motor therapy as a result. Riiight. She also said she has no real routine and just does whatever the kids want to do. I picture pure chaos all day long. Plus she just looked a little nutty (okay, a lot nutty). The good news is that the whole experience made me feel a lot better about the woman we already met with. Even though she has a lot of young ones, she seems genuinely caring and personable, and was able to far better explain what Noah's day would look like. I'll keep looking, because I don't want to feel like I'm settling (and yes, this whole situation is also causing me a ton of anxiety). But now I know that being licensed doesn't necessarily translate to being any good. (Or sane.)

Nursing Woes

It seems like every time I think nursing is going better, Noah likes to throw me a curveball. While we were in Minnesota he was eating well and staying latched for about 10 minutes per side. Now just in the last few days, it seems like he's lost all interest in nursing. He stays latched for 5 minutes at a time, if I'm lucky, and constantly kicks himself away from me. If that wasn't annoying enough, he takes a million little breaks and starts cooing up a storm. As cute as it is, I want him to focus! According to the scale, he hasn't gained a single ounce in the last few days, whereas he usually puts on an ounce a day. I have no idea if he's just getting more efficient at nursing or if he really is eating way less. I thought there was supposed to be a growth spurt with an increase in eating at three months, not the total opposite. The most frustrating part of nursing is that I have NO idea how much he actually eats. One more month til we start some solids...

Also, beginning tomorrow I'm going to start pumping regularly and he'll be getting a bottle a day. Next week we'll go up to two bottles per day. Sadly, I already have to start getting him used to this since I'll be heading back to work in less than 4 weeks. I shouldn't complain because I ended up with four months of maternity leave (due to good timing), and he'll be a week shy of 4 months when I return. But when I read about these women in Canada getting a whole year I feel pretty damn envious! The US is so stupid sometimes! We have also returned to the day care hunt. The more I thought about the woman we interviewed, the less I liked her. In Colorado, a licensed care provider can have no more than 3 infants (under 2yrs) at a time. The woman we interviewed was not licensed, and all 8 (yes, 8) of the kiddos she watches are under 2 years old. We have an interview this week with a licensed day care provider who has one infant opening. I hope it works out because she lives extremely close to us. Lucky for me, Noah won't be plunging into day care immediately. My mom is coming out for my first week of work to help me transition. I think it will be a lot more comfortable for both Noah and I to get a one-week trial run under our belts to work out all of the kinks. Either way though, I know I won't feel ready, and I'm expecting myself to cry a lot. I wish my break never had to end! How will I ever survive 8 hours without seeing this face?

Day Care and Milestones

We finally got day care set up. We decided to go with a home-based day care in our town. I wish there was a way we could avoid it, but it's not financially possible for us. Boo. I already want to cry my eyes out, and I still have over a month left before I go back to work. Time to buy lottery tickets. My mom is going to come out in August for our first week back to work to watch Noah. I think that might help with the transition. No matter what though, it is going to suck. Big time.

Noah is eleven weeks and one day. Today's milestone? He giggled when I tickled him. Not a full belly laugh, but more like delighted squeals. My heart melted. Then the poor kid got the hiccups. :)

He also has started reaching for things. He has a playmat for the floor, and a bee hangs down and plays music when he hits it. A few weeks ago he would just lie there and look at things. Now he bats at the bee and tries to grab it. It's amazing how fast he's suddenly gaining new skills! We've been trying to fit in more tummy time to work on pushing himself up, and eventually rolling over. He also has way more head control these days. When I hold him he likes to arch his back and look around. He often gets tired or just plain loses control and lays his head back down on me, (I love those cuddles) so he still has a ways to go. We bought a seat for him so that he can sit up just as soon as he has his head control mastered. At the rate he's changing, I'm guessing he'll be using it soon.

One other thing. The last few days, I have been spotting a little. I thought it was the return of AF (which had me pretty ticked since I've read that most exclusively breastfeeding moms don't get it back until they start weaning), but so far nothing more than spotting. Has anyone else experienced this?