So I know that I definitely want at least one more go at this. And no, despite my serious bump envy, I won't be running back to the fertility clinic any time soon. Which brings me to another thing that's been on my mind. Even after having been pregnant and enjoying my new baby, it pisses me off that getting pregnant doesn't come naturally to Brian and me. I wish we could experience the excitement of being surprised. Of not enduring a two week wait, wondering if the thousands of dollars you just spent will pay off. Not having to make difficult decisions like one embryo or two, and what will we do if we end up with extras? When I had my 6 week postpartum appointment the nurse must have forgotten that Brian and I had an in vitro baby, because when she saw that I wrote "none" next to birth control plans, she asked me in a scolding voice, "So you want to get pregnant again right away?" And while the answer was (and mostly still is ;) ) "no," it's a pretty crappy thing to say to an infertile couple. Because honestly if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, no matter how soon, without needing to undergo any procedures that involve exposing my lady bits to a room full of people, I would be fucking thrilled!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Brian Thinks I'm Crazy
He might be right. At least it's quite possible. Lately I've been going through some serious pregnancy withdrawal. It might have something to do with the fact that three of my close friends are all expecting this fall and winter. Seeing their baby bumps makes me miss mine so much! I wish I could have Noah on the outside and inside at the same time. Is that totally bizarre? Brian tries to remind me that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. There was endless hip pain, poor sleep, and a constantly itchy belly. Somehow I've forgotten all of that. I really did enjoy my pregnancy. I was never sick, and I loved feeling the kicks and stretches, even if sometimes I thought he was going to kick his foot right through my cervix. I guess for me, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. I couldn't wait for it. It didn't occur to me for a while that the end result was going to be a real, live baby. The goal for so long was just to be pregnant. Now that it's over, I really do miss it. I also really regret not taking many pictures of my pregnant body with my face in them. That was stupid of me. Next time there will be lots of pictures!
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It's so hard for me to imagine missing the state I'm in...but somehow, I know I will. It's weird thinking about having a real live baby hanging around...but I am SO ready for it! (Well, as ready as I'll ever be...)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for my OB to quiz me on how we plan to use birth control after L&D. My answer? My husband's retarded sperm and my lazy ovaries have it covered. Because, like you, if I miraculously got pregnant from actual sex, I would be delighted. Instead, if we want a second child, we have to pay another $10-20k (or more, if the cycles drag on longer than 3x) and go through all the testing all over again...good times. So for now, I guess I'm content to be lucky enough to have this one on the way.
I have totally been experiencing the same thing. I see pregnant women and I am SO JEALOUS. I remind myself that I just had that two months ago, and I was SO READY to get my baby out. But I'm constantly thinking about #2, wondering if my DH will kill me for wanting to start trying again in a year or two (two years seems like AGES away). It's crazy. I did not expect to feel this way. So you're not crazy - and you can show Brian this response to prove it (unless he thinks I'm crazy too ;-).
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