It's Raining... Babies!

We attended a friend's baby shower yesterday and had a great time! It's a good thing I have Noah or it might have been torture what with 4 pregnant women in attendance! Speaking of Noah, he was so dang cute (and well behaved) at the shower. He was content up until the very end (likely due to poor napping conditions at the party). It was really hot so we had him in just a diaper. His baby boobs and buddha belly were too adorable! The little man is becoming so verbal, too. He loves to talk to us. In fact, when I put him down after his early morning feeding, he'll lie in his crib and babble for about 10 minutes. It's so hard not to go back in his room, scoop him up, and snuggle him. Instead, I turn the video monitor on and watch him. The camera is above his head, so he stares up at the little green light on it and talks away. I love seeing his big eyes staring up at the camera, like he knows I'm watching him. My heart melts every time. I'm so in love!

4 Month Appointment

Finding the time to blog is getting harder. Especially since the time that I do have now is so precious and I want to spend it all with Noah. If only I didn't have to work. However, I kind of feel a little more sane and balanced now that I'm back to the grind. Some days I almost drove myself mad obsessing over whether Noah ate enough or peed enough. Now I just enjoy my time with him and let everything else go. Having my friend watch him during the day is also just so amazing, and really lets me relax when I'm away. I feel so extremely lucky and blessed for this to have worked out so well. Seeing Noah "play" with her 7 month old is way too cute. And she sends me text messages and pictures of him during the day. Love it!

Monday was Noah's four month appointment. He has doubled his birthweight exactly, so he is now 13lbs 8oz. He was 24.5 inches, but every time they measure him it's totally different. Supposedly he shrunk since last time, so I don't trust it at all. I can't believe how much he has grown! The pediatrician gave us the green light for solids, but I feel like I want to wait a little still. There's something so special to me knowing that I am supporting his growth with breastmilk alone. And selfishly, I don't want to deal with funky poop. The runny wet stuff is easy and not too smelly. I guess I'll have to let go of that sometime though.

4 Months!

Yesterday was the 4 month mark. It's amazing how long 4 months seemed to take when I was pregnant, and how fast 4 months has gone by since! Noah continues to amaze us every day with all of his new skills and interests.

So what is Noah doing now?

• Sucking on his hands. He can't get enough. He has gotten so aggressive at it that he has left hickeys and bruises on his arm from chomping down so hard.
• Sometimes when he's attacking his arms, he rolls onto his side. He can roll completely over from front to back. Still no back to front rolling action though.
• When lying down, he will sometimes raise his butt up in the air and scoot backwards with his legs. He can turn himself 90 degrees if he keeps at it long enough.
• He likes looking at the baby in the mirror. He smiles and smiles, until he sees mom and realizes that somehow she's holding another baby. Then he cries.
• If he's sitting in our laps, he tries to stand up. He loves to stand with support.
• He loves his Fisher Price Jumperoo. Just yesterday, at exactly 4 months, he started pushing himself to stand in it, leaning forward and reaching for the toys on it. Some are connected with a tether, and he kept knocking them over the side and then grunting in frustration. It was hilarious!
• He's become a little drool monster!
• He started wearing size 2 diapers last week. We have blow-outs from time to time, straight up the back. Messy!
• Bottle feeding is going well during the week. Usually he eats 4-4.5 ounces per feeding. My pumping output is about 12 ounces for two sessions, so I'm keeping up with him so far!
• Watching Gilbert (our dog) is pretty entertaining for him.
• He stays awake for about 90 minutes at a time, then naps for 45 minutes up to 2 hours. When he's sleepy he rubs his eyes with his hands or buries his face in my chest. As we put him down he shrieks something fierce, but usually falls asleep quickly. We haven't had to rock him to sleep in months!
• Sleeping through the night has become pretty sporadic. Last night he graced me with 9 hours between feedings (woke up at 4:50am), but most nights he wakes me up around 1:00am.
• He giggles more often. He thinks it's really funny if I bounce my face up and down right in front of him and make silly noises. He also laughs when I kiss his cheeks over and over.
• His little hands reach for everything these days. When I'm changing him he grabs his onesie and yanks it towards his face. He also takes the cloth that I cover him with to prevent getting peed on and pulls it off of himself. Naughty little thing!
• When I'm holding him on my hip, he wraps one arm around my shoulder to hold tight and grabs onto my shirt with his other hand. I love how he clings to me!
• His blue eyes are starting to change. I'm curious to see the final result!

I'm sure there's so many other little things I've forgotten. It's hard to keep track of all his talents! :)

Adventures in Pumping

Going back to work has been exhausting. Having my mom here this week has made it pretty easy, especially since she cooks dinner every night. But when I have to come home and prepare a meal and take care of Noah, it will only get harder. For now, I'm just trying to get through the days. I'm pretty tired because Noah is waking up around midnight and 5:30am every night. I have to be up around 5:00 to make sure I can get ready and take care of him before I have to leave around 7:00. It's quite an adjustment! The absolutely awesome news though is that I will never have to worry about bringing him anywhere in the morning. At the last minute, one of my friends offered to come to my house to watch Noah during the days. She has a 7 month old son and she wants to stay home with him, so we're both really happy with this arrangement. I still can't believe my luck! I'm so, so thankful for this turn of events. I was not thrilled about daycare!

So on to pumping. I have to say it feels really weird, despite total privacy, to undress half-way and hook a machine up to my chest while at work. But I'm sure eventually it will start to feel more normal, or at least more a part of my daily routine. At least I have my own offices in my schools and access to private refrigerators in the nurse's office. Today pumping was especially interesting. My department had a meeting at the Zoo, and I wasn't sure where to pump. In the morning I found a private family restroom and used that. It was quite the experience. They have a speaker system in the bathroom that plays educational information about the pooping habits of various animals. So here I am, pumping milk and listening to a woman's voice telling me that momma kangaroos lick up their baby's poop when they make a mess in mommy's pouch. And that some weird species of animal has poisonous poop, which it then rubs all over its body to keep predators at bay. Fun times! In the afternoon I went to the guest center and asked if there was somewhere else I could pump. A security guard opened up the first aid room for me, which was way nicer (and quieter) than the family restroom. But as I was getting close to finishing, I heard someone trying to get in. I totally freaked out at the thought of a total stranger walking in on me, but luckily they left. Phew. Man, breastfeeding is such a commitment! But all I have to do is look at Noah's sweet face, and it all becomes worth it.

Next week we have our 4 month appointment, and I'm hoping to get the green light to try some solids. Maybe that will help fill him up at bedtime and he can sleep longer for mommy!

Back to Work

Tomorrow is the much dreaded return to work. It's pretty much the last thing on earth I want to do. I know he'll be in good hands with my mom, but I can't remember the last time I felt this anxious. Major tears will be (have been) shed. Boo, hiss. Work sucks.

Stressed Out

Breastfeeding is not going well. Friday was my birthday (the big three-o) and we had a small gathering of friends over at night for food and drinks. Somehow with the stress of trying to get the house and myself looking presentable, and taking care of Noah, I found very little time to eat anything all day. I was literally starving. And I ended up being the one to hold Noah most of the night, so I barely got to snack or eat at the party. Then yesterday we had a wedding to go to in the evening. I tried hard to eat and drink better during the day, but there ended up being a huge wait between ceremony and reception (2.5 hours!). When I got home I was feeling pretty engorged, so I pumped. It was the most watery milk I've ever seen. I stuck it in the fridge, and this morning there is virtually no fat in it at all. Currently, our house has no decent groceries. Brian left for the store, but in the meantime I still have nothing to eat while I wait. I am super stressed out. So much so that I swore at two Mormons who came to our door this morning. We have a polite sign on the screen door asking that no one knock or ring the doorbell because we have a baby who may be sleeping and a dog who will bark. These two idiots still knocked, and then as I took Jesus' name in vain and swore about how they were waking up our baby, they had the balls to ask if there was anything they could help us with! Um yeah, go away. And I guess pray for me, because I'm probably going to hell. Oh, and I slammed the door in their face. Ugh.

Sleeping Through the Night?

Oh Mommy, that is SOOO last month.

Sad but true. I'm guessing it's just a phase or growth spurt or whatever, but either way, it feels like awful timing considering I start work again next Friday. The past couple of nights he's been waking up earlier and earlier, from 3:00, to 2:00, and last night 1:00. For almost all of July he was consistently going to bed between 8:00 and 9:00 and waking up between 4:00 and 5:00. Oh well. When he was just a newbie, I would have been thrilled at the thought of only waking up once!

In other Noah news, we went back to the doctor this week to have his leg looked at again. All of his blood tests were normal which ruled out the really scary stuff. Plus he appears to be too happy and healthy to have anything seriously wrong with liver or kidneys, as they had mentioned as worst case scenario. Three different doctors have seen him though, and they still can only guess at what is going on. It could be petechiae, which based on its description seems to kind of fit (Google it if you're curious, I can't explain it!). Or it might be a late-developing birth mark. They suggested seeing a dermatologist who may be better able to identify what it is. I just wish it would go away.

My Future's So Bright...

I gotta wear shades.

Brian Thinks I'm Crazy

He might be right. At least it's quite possible. Lately I've been going through some serious pregnancy withdrawal. It might have something to do with the fact that three of my close friends are all expecting this fall and winter. Seeing their baby bumps makes me miss mine so much! I wish I could have Noah on the outside and inside at the same time. Is that totally bizarre? Brian tries to remind me that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. There was endless hip pain, poor sleep, and a constantly itchy belly. Somehow I've forgotten all of that. I really did enjoy my pregnancy. I was never sick, and I loved feeling the kicks and stretches, even if sometimes I thought he was going to kick his foot right through my cervix. I guess for me, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. I couldn't wait for it. It didn't occur to me for a while that the end result was going to be a real, live baby. The goal for so long was just to be pregnant. Now that it's over, I really do miss it. I also really regret not taking many pictures of my pregnant body with my face in them. That was stupid of me. Next time there will be lots of pictures!

So I know that I definitely want at least one more go at this. And no, despite my serious bump envy, I won't be running back to the fertility clinic any time soon. Which brings me to another thing that's been on my mind. Even after having been pregnant and enjoying my new baby, it pisses me off that getting pregnant doesn't come naturally to Brian and me. I wish we could experience the excitement of being surprised. Of not enduring a two week wait, wondering if the thousands of dollars you just spent will pay off. Not having to make difficult decisions like one embryo or two, and what will we do if we end up with extras? When I had my 6 week postpartum appointment the nurse must have forgotten that Brian and I had an in vitro baby, because when she saw that I wrote "none" next to birth control plans, she asked me in a scolding voice, "So you want to get pregnant again right away?" And while the answer was (and mostly still is ;) ) "no," it's a pretty crappy thing to say to an infertile couple. Because honestly if I somehow miraculously got pregnant, no matter how soon, without needing to undergo any procedures that involve exposing my lady bits to a room full of people, I would be fucking thrilled!

Hard to Believe

Sometimes the littlest things...

(8/1/09)

make the biggest difference in our lives.

I love you, Noah.