Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Wednesday was the day of my hysteroscopy, doppler ultrasound, and trial embryo transfer. The TET went well as usual, and then it was time for the doppler. As the sonographer turned on the sound, I was caught off guard at the sound of my own blood whoosh whooshing over the speaker. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that the last time I was in that room, there was no sound. Because there was no heartbeat. I started crying hard enough to shake, and when I asked for a tissue the poor sonographer couldn't quite reach the box and she had to ask me to hold the probe while she retrieved them. Awesome. It didn't help that it was exactly a year from the day that I got pregnant with that baby. This is the kind of thing that people don't understand about infertility. There are so many extremely painful moments in this process that no one should have to experience. It's not just the difficulty of getting pregnant, it's all of the sad anniversaries and reminders that constantly tear at your heart. So then I had the hysteroscopy which I was really nervous about. I just couldn't believe that things were okay in there. But they were, so that's a big sigh of relief.

Everything was going well. I was starting to feel positive and hopeful again. Dr. S called me in to discuss all of the tests and to review the records he got from Dr. A. That's when the appointment got interesting. Good news first. I don't actually have any clotting issues. My antithrombin level is indeed "abnormal," but it's high, not low. Which means I do not have antithrombin deficiency. If anything, it could mean that I have a "bleeding tendency," but most research says that a slightly elevated antithrombin level has no clinical significance. I don't understand how Dr. A read this incorrectly. There are two columns on the lab report, one for "deficient result" and one for "abnormal result" and my reading of 122(H) was under the "abnormal" column. Whatever. I will still take Heparin, but mostly only because it can't hurt and might help. But if I do get pregnant again, I can stop the Heparin by 12 weeks without worry. Phew.

Now the bad news. Despite 4 Rhogam shots in the past, I am producing antibodies against Rh+ blood. Dr. A made this sound like not that big of a deal, but I guess it really is. Like, a maybe-we-shouldn't-try-again big deal. Now, from what I understand, the level of antibodies in my system is pretty low which is good. However, high levels can cause serious complications. These antibodies will attack the red blood cells in a fetus causing anemia. If bad enough, they attempt a blood transfusion through the umbilical cord. But this would all be very high risk and I would need to be followed by a maternal fetal medicine specialist. So what does this all mean? I need to have my blood retested to check the level. From there, we decide whether or not to proceed, and if necessary get me in to see an MFM immediately. I have an appointment with an OB tomorrow to get a pap done, and I plan to discuss all of this with her and ask for them to order all of my blood tests. Since this is a medical problem and not a fertility problem, I am going to demand that they handle this. I am NOT paying out of pocket to my fertility clinic for these expensive blood tests! I know that my levels are low and that things still have a very good chance at working out. I just hate that there's something new to worry about. Why is it that things can never just be simple? Oh how I envy the fertile.

Fun With Friends

Over the weekend we met up with Val, Noah's former daycare provider. We grew pretty close to her over the two years that she watched Noah. I'm still sad he had to give her up with the move. Noah and her daughter Livey absolutely adore each other, so it's important to me that we keep in touch with them. We met up at a park in Golden this weekend, and I snapped a few cute pictures of the two of them. It's Brian's family "tradition" that the men marry older women, so perhaps Noah will follow suit. I know Livey talks about it already! :)

Livey wanted to hold hands.

When I asked if I could take her picture, she immediately struck this adorable pose. I'm not sure she's really only 3! Noah just looks like a goober with his dirty face, but he wouldn't let me wash off the 3 cookies he ate.

Another one of Livey's adorable poses! How cute are they?

And thanks to some peer pressure, Noah was brave enough to try and fall in love with the super tall corkscrew slide.

I Like Having A Plan

A little over a month ago, in this very space, I said that I was done blogging about my infertility. In that time, I have done some reflecting on that. What I walked away with is this. Over the last year my focus shifted from happy updates about Noah to the doom and gloom of miscarriages and failed FETs. That happened because that was my reality. However, I got way too sucked into reading about other people's trials and tribulations, and that continued to bring me down further. The break from all of that has been good, but by cutting off the support of all of my wonderful friends out there, I was starting to internalize too much of this part of my life. I still need this outlet, I just need to use it in a healthier way. My goal is to continue to share my IF story, but try to remain focused on all of the wonderful blessings that I already have and make time to share those, too. It's hard sometimes, so if I start to lose that balance, please set me straight!

So yes, with that, here's a quick update before I join my husband on the couch for some quality "us" time. We switched back to our old clinic (call me crazy, it's ok) and got ourselves a different doctor there. He did my hysteroscopy back in May 2012 and seemed like a very friendly and knowledgeable man. I should have trusted my instincts way back then and switched to him right then and there, but alas, I did not. It's a big regret of mine, but what can you do? Anyway, we had a consult with him near the end of August and made a plan for moving forward. The first step was clearing my mammogram. In early August I found a scary lump (I have fibrocystic breasts so there are always lumps, but I didn't recognize this one), but luckily both an ultrasound and mammogram showed only normal breast tissue. So with the start of my period this weekend, I was able to get my day 3 bloodwork done today and schedule a slew of appointments including an updated pap, trial transfer, doppler ultrasound, and hysteroscopy. The last one is very important to me. After my miscarriage in November I had such crazy bleeding and since then I haven't felt convinced that everything is as it should be in there. Dr. A, whom I still love dearly, never seemed to take this concern very seriously and I grew frustrated by that. I was also fed up with their slow turn over between cycles, and just general disorganization. I'll always hold a big spot for Dr. A in my heart, but I have to trust statistics and history, so new (old) clinic it is. My new doctor has a number of other things he wants to check into throughout this month, including my clotting disorder. According to him, if I really have it, it's a very serious one and the fact that Noah is here is a total miracle. That makes me a little nervous, but I feel like I'm in very competent hands. I will start the pill tomorrow in hopes that we can pull everything we need together for a late October transfer. If not, we'll wait til November or December. It feels so, so, SO good to have a plan again, and it feels good to share it. 

The Month My Little Boy Grew Up

Ok, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but so many big things happened in August and suddenly Noah seems so much more grown up. The first big event was the purchase of a "big boy bed." Brian and I decided prior to our Minnesota trip that it was time. Noah had never tried to get out of his crib, but it was getting difficult to lift a 31 pound toddler into and out of his bed every night and morning. We looked around at a number of stores and realized that girls get a million cute bed options, and boys get super boring choices. Since we wanted to avoid buying a toddler bed which would need to be replaced eventually, we opted for a twin bed. And since this will probably be the bed he uses until he's a teenager, we allowed ourselves to spend a little more. So we gave up on the cheaper stores with the ugly beds and went to the expensive shop where we bought Noah's crib. Noah and Brian both fell in love with the Maxtrix bed system which allows you customize a loft-style bed. The first night we gave Noah a big safety talk about his bed since it's several feet off the ground. He has followed the rules extremely well. The first morning he got out of bed, he announced to us that he used the ladder to get down, then raced downstairs to watch TV. He came back shortly after once he realized he didn't know how to get everything working and on the right channel. Ha. With the transition to a bed, we have witnessed the death of naps in our house. That crib was good for something!

The next thing that happened was the end of the paci. Noah had bit a hole in his last remaining one, and I warned him that if he continued to chew on it, I would have to throw it away. Well, one day he spat it out as I was getting him out of the car and I noticed that he had bit a much larger hole so that the tip was hanging on by a small piece of plastic. Into the trash it went, and we haven't looked back. Amazingly, he didn't even mention his paci for an entire week until we were driving somewhere the next weekend. It came up again recently when he found a yucky, lost paci. We threw that one away too, and he hasn't mentioned it since. I never thought it would be so easy! And I really don't miss pictures of him with his paci hanging off his lip!

With the return to school looming, I knew Noah had to get potty trained for preschool. I spent my last week of summer vacation in potty-training boot camp with him. Ugh. It was so boring sitting around the house all day. The first few days I tried sitting him on the toilet at specific times throughout the day. I often made him sit until he succeeded, which sometimes meant sitting on the floor of the bathroom for 30 minutes at a time. With every victory, he got a small bowl full of peanut M&Ms. This method was making me crazy and didn't seem to be motivating him at all. I decided to spend Wednesday-Sunday keeping him naked from the waist down and spent as much time home as possible. I set potty seats on two toilets and kept his portable Sesame Street potty chair in whichever room we were in. Every 30 minutes or so I would ask if he needed to go potty which really started to bug him. He kept asking me, "Why do you keep saying that?!" The first day of this strategy he used his Sesame Street chair 5 times and had 2 accidents. The next day was the same. The third day he had no accidents, but I did allow him to wear a pull-up when we met a friend at a park (and he definitely took advantage of it!). The fourth day we went to a community BBQ so this was his first day clothed with underwear. He stayed dry the whole time we were at the BBQ, but he did have two accidents before and after. The fifth day was awesome. He was clothed most of the day and only had one accident. We even went to the mall where he willingly used a public bathroom (we brought along his potty seat to use because at the time he was afraid of falling in). We celebrated his success by giving him "treat pacis" (ring pops) and with the purchase of a few Octonauts and How To Train Your Dragon toys. At this point, he is doing awesome with peeing, but pooping is another story. I am confident we'll get there eventually. We're also still relying on diapers at bed time, though in the morning he will ask to pee in the potty if we haven't changed him yet. I'm pretty proud of how fast he caught on considering how resistant he was to the whole process. This kid loved his diapers! (And I didn't mind them, either.)

So excited for his "treat pacis!"

So yes, he had to be mostly potty-trained for preschool which he started on my first day back to work, August 20. He was so excited at the idea of preschool, and the first two days he was happy to go. Then reality sunk in. The third day of preschool he wailed on the couch, "But I already went two days!" Poor kid. Since then he has adjusted pretty well and his teacher says he is "flourishing." His potty-training success continues there, and I'm just relieved that he's not the only one with his name on the "accident board" every few days. (It's not a punishment, it just lets parents know to pick up their soiled clothes in the front.) It's really cute picking him up every day. He's so excited to see me, and tells me all about his day and all his new friends. We also have quite the growing collection of refrigerator artwork. 

First Day of Preschool

Sigh. I blinked and he grew up, just like everyone said he would. But he's still my baby.