Could Have Been and Is

What Could Have Been:
In another life, today could have been my due date. It could have been the day that Noah became a big brother. It could have been the day that our family was finally complete. Today could have been the day that we closed this chapter in our lives. Today could have been a joyous day worth celebrating.

What Is:
In this life, today is a day when I woke up and thought of my miracle baby. Today is a day when I drove to work and realized I was far more emotional than I expected to be. Today is a day where I wonder about how much further I have to travel down this uncharted road. It is also a day to reflect on everywhere we have already been. Today is still a joyous day worth celebrating. Today is my first woulda/coulda/shoulda-been due date of 2013 and I am going to make it special, like it could have been, and like it still is.

To my miracle, wherever you may be, happy due date.

Winter Mornings At the Zoo

As much as I talk about wanting to move back to Minnesota, I have to admit Colorado is pretty amazing. It has to be one of the best spots in the entire USA for weather. Summers aren't too hot and lack the oppressive humidity of other areas. And even on a super hot day, you can drive one hour into the mountains for far cooler weather. And the winters. Oh. My. God. After living through Minnesota winters (four of them in northern MN, yikes!), these mild Colorado winters feel amazing. It rarely gets below zero and snow doesn't stick around until April. Plus, it is no joke or exaggeration when they brag about 300 days of sunshine here. It's unusual not to see the sun at some point any given day.

So, when we have winter weekends like this where highs are in the upper 50s and the sun is shining, it's a crime not to get out and enjoy it. Lately, the zoo has been our preferred destination. It seems like we always get our best animal viewing on warm winter mornings. The last two times we've gone with some friends of ours and their two kids. The three kids span from 23 months to 4.5 years, so we've got a nice little preschool gang that really enjoy themselves.

Taking a break from all the walking

Riding the carousel

Weehaw!

Yesterday we had a rather traumatic day however. As we watched some African deer, we noticed that people were really excited about the kangaroos. We walked over to find one large kangaroo running in circles around its enclosure. Usually the kangaroos are all sleeping, so this was a real treat. Suddenly a second kangaroo started jumping too, which luckily distracted Noah and I from the following unfortunate event. The bigger kangaroo apparently skidded out on some sand or ice and slammed to the ground on a small concrete slab. I finally noticed once everyone started gasping. The poor guy struggled to right himself, and once he did he was holding his left arm delicately. People started whispering to each other and a few people ran to talk to a young man who appeared to work at the zoo. Then, the kangaroo let go of his arm, and we could all plainly see that his arm bone had completely snapped and his paw was just dangling. Blood was pouring from the wound. He kept trying to lick it as all the other kangaroos gathered to check on him. Brian ran to tell a zoo worker who had a radio, and she called in the concern. When the care takers entered the pen, their jaws just dropped. It was seriously the saddest thing I've ever witnessed. I sure hope they're able to take care of the poor thing. Aside from that shaking experience, we really did enjoy ourselves, as always.

Watching the penguins

Feeding time with the gorillas

Climbing the hippos

If only weekends like these could last forever!

The Return of Anxiety

I think I must be more anxious about our upcoming cycle than I consciously realized. Aside from the return of skipped heart beats, I have had two dreams within the last week or two that seem to be reflecting this. The first dream was about a week ago. It was the day of our transfer and I was at the doctor’s office. They handed me two syringes and instructed me to suck up our thawed embryos from a big, glass mixing bowl. I used the first syringe until it was full, then got distracted by something. The doctor walked in a short time later and I realized that I still had the other syringe to fill, so I tilted the bowl and tried to suck up everything that was left. The problem was that the embryo I was aiming for was the size and color of an egg yolk and wouldn’t fit up the syringe. I then started to freak out realizing that we had more than one embryo thawed and worried that all nine of them were about to be transferred. I asked the doctor what was going on, and he suddenly realized that these weren’t even my embryos, it was something else altogether, and my embryos hadn’t even been moved to their lab yet. Then I totally freaked out wondering how we could still possibly do the transfer. The second dream happened last night. It all took place in the house and city I grew up in back in Minnesota, which made it especially weird. All I really remember is that it was a Friday and I realized that my transfer was supposed to be scheduled for either Thursday or Saturday. Obviously I missed Thursday, so I was panicking that when I called they wouldn’t be able to fit me in on Saturday. I kept wondering how I could’ve forgotten such an important detail.

Part of my anxiety stems from a conversation that I had with the doctor we will no longer be working with. I was a nervous wreck for two solid days after that. I don’t feel like going into that story yet though. I think the rest comes from a mental shift I’ve gone through in relation to this process. When I first started IVF 3.5 years ago, I had rose colored glasses and expected it to work. I was excited and interested in every step of the process. I got a thrill from starting each new medication and looked forward to every appointment with optimism. When it came time for our FET attempts last summer and fall, I again approached the process with excitement and anticipation. Part of it faded after our cancelled cycle in the summer, but I still was fairly excited with each step we checked off the list in the fall. Now, I feel beaten down about this process. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office after finding out that we lost our baby and feeling overwhelmed with the idea that I would have to go through everything all over again. Taking birth control for a solid month does not make me excited with anticipation. I won’t be getting a secret thrill with each Lupron injection. It’s all just a bunch of crap I have to go through for a coin flip, and lately it feels like everything has been coming up tails. I’m worried about how many setbacks I might still face. It makes me think of an amazing lady out there some of you might “know.” Mo, from Life and Love in the Petri Dish, is an inspiration to me. She went through 7 IVFs and 6 miscarriages to finally take home her daughter. When I first started following her, I couldn’t fathom how someone could keep going through that. But now I think I get it. When you want something that badly, it’s too hard to give up, no matter how bad it hurts. I just hope that our road won’t be as difficult.

I know I said I was going to keep a more positive attitude about everything, and most days I think I do a good job. But the days when I don’t? They are hard. I should be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow and finding out I’m having a girl. Not popping pills which tell me they are meant to prevent the very thing I want most.

On a happier, more positive note, my best friend from high school has now passed her due date and should be giving birth to her son any day now. She and her husband tried for nearly 4 years before moving on to IUI, so I couldn’t be more thrilled for the two of them. They are going to be amazing parents! I’m so glad they’re almost to the finish line. We all deserve that.

What's New?

Allow me to ramble. It seems like there's been a lot going on, but I haven't had much to say about it. Some things I've put on the back burner until I feel ready to share them here. Really, what I want to do is update on Noah.

Noah is very much into pretend play. He really cleaned up at Christmas and got a bunch of dress up clothes including a doctor's coat, fire chief outfit, and cowboy hat. Sometimes the cowboy hat gets repurposed as a magician's hat. He uses the magic wand he got in his stocking to "gazump" things. Usually we get gazumped into a frog, or we have to die. Then he kisses us back alive. Weird, right?

GAZUMP!

We read a lot of books in this house. Before a nap we have to read at least two books. Before bed, it's at least four. Then there's the random books he occasionally drags over to me to be read. Right now he really likes rhyming books, especially the Llama Llama series. The other night he read the first seven pages of one of his books from memory. I wondered if he really knew the whole book, so a couple nights later I read the beginning of each sentence and left the last word or two off. Noah filled them all in, minus one or two words. I'm betting he's going to be an early reader just like his Daddy.

At the zoo, Noah told anyone who would listen, "It's Simba!" He loves reading his "lion book."

Noah is definitely not colorblind like I once believed. He can now identify red and yellow, though he still gets them wrong occasionally.

This little boy is still solidly in a mama phase. Sometimes Brian can't even be in the same room. He will seriously order him out of the room with a scowl on his face. He also yells at Gilbert for being on my lap. Since Gilbert had knee surgery, I've been giving him more attention. This seems to piss Noah off. He yells, "No Gilbert, that's my mommy!" and then begs me to make him move. One day I asked if he could please share mommy's lap. You can see how he felt about it. 

I felt like I had way more to say, but I've also felt distracted lately. I really love this kid, which is why I hope we get a chance at another. He would be the coolest big brother ever. I had 7-8 vials of blood drawn this morning for about $2000 worth of tests to be run. Thankfully our new clinic contracts with a lab that actually works with our HMO, so at most we will only pay a few hundred. Birth control starts tomorrow. Here we go again!

My "What Not To Wear" Christmas

To give you some background about myself, I have never had any fashion sense. As a kid, my mom permed my already wavy hair, I had huge plastic blue and pink glasses, I wore fanny packs, stirrup pants, and t-shirts with cartoon characters on them.

Exhibit A

I also had a really hard time shopping as a kid. I know this probably won't get much sympathy, but I have always been very thin. I was also tall for my age when younger, so finding jeans was impossible. I can't tell you how many times my mom and I would both leave the mall in tears from our frustration. So some of my fashion ineptitude was due to not being able to find stylish things that fit me. But this also morphed into a total hatred towards shopping. As a result, I've never had a very stocked closet. When I watch home buying shows and the stupid wife makes the comment that the closet might be big enough for her clothes, I just laugh. All I need is one small rack. Seriously. Since I started working in the schools 6 years ago, my wardrobe hasn't changed much. It's boring, boring, boring, and not even remotely current. I always feel so dumpy and frumpy, which doesn't do much for my confidence in general. This Christmas I decided that I owe it to myself to force myself to shop for a more age and profession-appropriate wardrobe. Wanna see?

Currently, my workwear consists of mostly sweaters, cardigans, and dress pants. Most of them are grey, black, blue, or brown. Yawn. 

The usual work look

I needed a serious boost of color. And more than just pants. Here's a few of my new outfits!

A more colorful and flattering sweater option

A more vibrant cardigan look

Skirts!

Boots and a scarf? New territory!

And it's not just my work wardrobe. When going out with friends or with the family, I tend to look very casual. And sloppy. Some of my shirts have holes in them and I don't even care. Yikes. Stacy and Clinton would kill me.

The usual out and about look

Also note, the blue and grey. Double yawn. Again, I needed more color and more excitement in general.

The new me

I know money doesn't buy happiness, but this new wardrobe is the boost I needed to feel more confident, which I think will increase some of my sense of happiness. Baby steps. So thank you to all of my parents, including in-laws, for lavishing me with gift cards and a few new shirts!!

P.S. In case you care, I did all of my shopping at Nordstrom, Hot Mama, and DSW. I LOVE Hot Mama! Too bad they don't do maternity anymore, should I ever need it again.

P.P.S. I totally should have cleaned off the mirror before I took all of these pictures. Oh well!

Almost Back In the Game

As I mentioned previously, I rang in the New Year with my feet in stirrups. Since everything looked okay, I got the green light to move forward. I called to talk to my new nurse yesterday and she seemed incredibly personable. We talked about a lot of stuff and she spent ample time answering all of my questions. I am really impressed so far. She got me onto their calendar for the next round of transfers. This means that with my next period, I will start birth control pills! YAY! We're still waiting on bloodwork to determine what additional medications we may add to the protocol, but for now I have a tentative transfer in the books for either the week of March 4th or 11th, depending on when my period shows up.

With an impending cycle, I have done a lot of thinking about how open I want to be with it. I have never been one to hide the fact that we have to use ART to get pregnant. To me, it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. It seems easier to be out in the open with everything with friends and coworkers. However, after having gone through a miscarriage, I found out how hard it is to untell people. Some still don't know, and I'm hoping they'll just eventually realize that I'm not showing and they won't ask about it. So, for now I'm planning on keeping this cycle to just our family and all of you lovely ladies. I even considered starting a new blog to prevent some people from finding out, but that just feels cumbersome. Therefore, if you know me in real life, please keep my information private. This includes parents! :)

I have a couple more posts brewing about my dog and my "what not to wear" Christmas experience, so stay tuned!

A New Year, A New Outlook

We had a full week of Christmas festivities with family. Brian's parents came into town on the 22nd, and then it was back-to-back visits with my mom and step-dad, and then my dad, until the 1st. Most of our holidays were really enjoyable. I wasn't even feeling sad about not being pregnant until I got a one-two punch from FaceBook on Christmas day. A friend of mine who I knew was trying announced her pregnancy with a cute picture of her son feeding a new baby doll. It especially stung because when I found out we were pregnant I knew immediately that I wanted to get Noah a baby doll for Christmas. Then about an hour later another friend posted a picture of a cake with pink frosting on the inside to let everyone know they were having another girl. I tried not to let it all get to me, but it did ruin my Christmas day just a little.

Fast forward to this week. Maybe it's because I haven't been to work since December 19th, but I am suddenly feeling pretty content. Part of it may also be the new year. When the ball dropped in New York and 2013 flashed on the screen, I actually felt a weight lift off of my chest. It caught me a little off guard and took my breath away for a moment. I know in reality it's just another day like any other. But there is something symbolic about moving on to another year. Yesterday morning I watched the Today show for a little bit and they had a small segment about how to find happiness in your life. I've seen the same message all over the place lately: Don't focus on what you don't have. Be grateful for what you do. So this is my new outlook that I'm going to try to focus on. I don't want my two upcoming due dates to be days that I dread. I should celebrate them instead. I know there will be hard and sad moments ahead, and I'll let myself feel that way when I need to. But there is no good done in moping around and feeling envy and bitterness all the time. And what kind of mommy will that make me anyway? Noah deserves better!

I am also relieved. I went in for my sonohysterogram yesterday with a little bit of anxiety. After all of those crazy bleeding episodes I was worried that things may not look okay. While I watched on the screen, I thought I saw things that shouldn't be there and my heart rate and blood pressure started to rise. But, once again a doctor complimented my "perfect" uterus and assured me that all was well in that department. We drew some blood* to check thyroid and vitamin D and maybe something else too. I hope to find out soon when we can actually cycle. If not in February, then fingers crossed for March!

*An interesting side note. The lady who drew my blood asked how I do with needles. I laughed and told her that while I was a total fainting wimp in the past, one IVF and two FET cycles have cured all of my needle phobias. She asked where I had done all of my cycles, and when I told her she said, "Oh! I just left there. I worked with Dr. V but she left so I did, too." I decided to pry and asked if she knew why Dr. V quit. After all, she wasn't there long at all. She hemmed and hawed, so I saved her and asked, "Just not a good fit?" And she said that was a good way to put it. I'm feeling very happy that we left, too.