1st U/S @ 7w0d

I truly can't think of a better way to start a week. I woke up a million times last night, each time after a dream about finding no baby in there. But this morning, there it was. A perfect, white figure in a sea of black. A tiny little heart flickering in the darkness. And then the u/s tech said, "Now we're going to listen to the heartbeat." My heart melted. I have never heard anything more beautiful in my entire life. I still can't believe we could even hear such a tiny little thing. AMAZING. I could have sat in there watching and listening all day.

Everything appeared to be right on track. Baby measured exactly 7w0d, and the gestational sac came in at 6w4d (if I read the screen right, she didn't read it out loud), which she said was "good." Heart rate was 136bpm. My ovaries are still quite large, and she told me they'll slowly continue to shrink until around the 2nd trimester, at which point they should be back to normal. That was reassuring, as I will now attribute most pains to "un-growing" pains. She said it's normal to still feel ovarian pain. Phew. And now, baby photo!

No More Normal

How do I feel these days? I certainly can't say normal. I wouldn't say fine. I think I have to call it what it is. I feel pregnant. I'm done wondering what every cramp, twinge, or pain means. There is no way to know, so I'm just assuming all those things are just how I'm going to feel being pregnant. Time will only tell. 5 days until u/s.

Mondays Suck

A little over a week ago one of my friends called to ask how my blood test went. When I told her it was positive, she confided in me that she was 8 weeks pregnant. I was so excited for her since she has also had a difficult journey to conception. It was also exciting because we were 3 weeks apart. Today I received an email from her to inform me that she found out her pregnancy is no longer viable. I am so heartbroken for her. And selfishly, it scares the crap out of me. Pregnancy is so precarious. Waiting another week for my u/s is going to kill me. I'm terrified we won't see a heartbeat.

My First Pregnancy Class

What a waste of time. When I called the OB last week to get on their calendar, the woman on the phone talked me into going to a class for newly pregnant women. She said it was really informative and helpful for new moms to be, so I thought what the hell. Why not. I think unless you've been living in a cave, or if you're 16 and it's an unplanned pregnancy, you probably already know just about everything they had to tell us. Oh well. It was kind of fun just to be there at a class for pregnant women. I'm finally one of them! Sometimes I forget that I am. Brian told me that sometimes he kind of realizes it all over again. I'm not sure it's completely sunk in for either of us. I have so few symptoms to remind me. So far, no nausea. I do wake up to pee in the middle of the night like clockwork. I haven't slept through the night since about half-way through the stims back in July. The girls are sore each morning and definitely have grown already. I get very tired very fast each evening. And that's about it. Maybe it will feel more real after the first u/s. 10 days and counting.

Feeling Minnesota

Officially finding out we're pregnant the day before heading back to work was not my favorite thing. I really shouldn't complain because going through IVF over the summer was ideal. I just want more time to really soak it in and enjoy it. I'm finding it hard to enjoy though. Since conceiving was so difficult, it's hard to believe any of this can go smoothly. I wonder if I would feel so cautious if I had gotten pregnant naturally. It sucks how infertility robs us of that innocence. I have a hard time thinking as far as April. I'm just crossing fingers and praying that we make it to August 31 for the first u/s. Every little thing I feel internally freaks me out a little. I've had some discharge today, and every time I feel it I run to the bathroom to make sure it's not pink, red, or brown. I did spot barely for a few days when I should have gotten my period, but since then nothing. I also feel like my ovaries still aren't back to normal. My pants don't seem to fit comfortably and the slightest pressure on my abdomen still bothers me a little. I also feel little twinges and cramps every once in a while. I decided to be completely lazy all weekend to ease my mind. (We did have a nice dinner on Friday night to celebrate our anniversary though. 5 years!)

I spent most of today watching the PGA Championship at Hazeltine. It made me miss Minnesota. All those lakes, and weekends spent at the cabin. I always envisioned that for my own kids. Colorado has its own perks, but having not grown up here, I don't know what a family is supposed to do here. Certainly not lake stuff, and that's my favorite. Maybe winter weather reports from home in the coming months will fade these feelings a little. But being prego does make me a little homesick.

I'm PREGNANT!

Second beta is in, and I finally feel comfortable saying it, I'm pregnant! And I have a due date!! April 19, 2010. My first beta was 141 on Sunday, and today it was 521. They had the darndest time getting blood out of me this morning. I was so nervous that I guess I dried up. I'll get to see my little baby August 31, which seems forever away right now!!

I have been released from all my hormone supplements, with just baby aspirin, chlor-trimeton allergy meds (still not sure why), and prescription folic acid left to take. Hurray! I know I shouldn't complain because PIO shots sound like hell, but vag suppositories have their own gross side effects...

Thank you to everyone for all of your comments and support during the last month! It has meant the world to me. :)

A Word to the Wise

I don't know what brand other people trust, but EPT pisses me off. I totally panicked this morning because test #2 seemed like a thicker, but fainter line. Brian started scouring the internet and found several people complain about EPT being too faint and hard to read. We headed to the drug store after breakfast and picked up some First Response tests. Two bright pink lines, clear as day. Phew! I would NEVER recommend EPT!!!

Had my first beta today. My clinic doesn't tell me squat until test #2 on Wednesday. I've decided not to test again until then. I don't need the stupid panic I felt this morning. I have 3 positives in varying shades of pink and blue, and that's all I need right now. Oh, and I've had faint, lingering nausea all day. I never thought I'd be so happy to feel kind of gross.

8dp5dt

I Found the Other Line!!!!

7dp5dt

A couple other people got their BFPs in the last couple days as early as 6dp5dt, so I thought, to hell with it! I couldn't take it any longer anyway. Now I need to run to the store and buy more of the same test so I can start obsessively analyzing the shade of blue each day. It may be faint now, but it's definitely there!!! YAY!

Riddle Me This

I knew Dr. Google would not be able to answer this one. (Tom, if you're reading this, you might want to skip this post...) So... way back in college I had a physical done at the campus clinic. In the middle of my breast exam, the doctor asked me if I knew what this little piece of pink flesh was underneath righty. I quickly replied, "Yes, it's a chicken pox scar." She smiled politely and stated, "No sweetie, that's a supernumerary nipple." Me, silence. Then, "Wait, you mean, that's a third nipple?" She, "Yes!" Me, "Oh my God!" I thought it was about the funniest thing I had ever heard. But I was always a little skeptical. According to my mom, and baby photos, there was no evidence of this extra "appendage" at birth. And I never fully trusted the competency of our campus clinic staff (no offense to anyone who has or does work in one). It was a joke on my floor that you could go in there with a sore throat, and they would ask if you needed a pap smear. And no other doctor has ever brought it up. So where is this story going you might ask? Well, the doctor also informed me that day that extra nipples follow the mammary line, so it's possible that while it is tiny, it could swell and lactate if I ever get pregnant. Yesterday, I noticed that my little friend was MUCH larger than normal. It actually even resembles a nipple now, which kind of grosses me out. The other two haven't changed in size or color. I scoured the internet yesterday trying to find answers to such an obscure question of what can make an extra nipple do this. All I could find was that pregnancy hormones can make it swell. Estrogen? Progesterone? I've got those in aplenty! Something else? Who knows... But now I am finally convinced that yes, I do indeed have three. Should anyone happen to have insight into all of this, I would love to hear from you!!!

NaNaNaNaNaNa, They Say It's Your Birthday!

Nananananana, it's my birthday too, yeah!! I always get that song stuck in my head today, because a close friend's little sister was born on my 16th birthday and I used to sing that to her. Oh, and Farmer Ted sang that to Samantha in Sixteen Candles, which is my favorite movie of all time. My life plan as a teen had me married at 25, and pregnant at 27. Little did I know I would meet my husband in high school, so waiting til 25 was too hard. I was barely 24 instead. Close enough. I also didn't realize I would get a worthless BA in psych which would require me to go to grad school if I ever wanted to make any money in the field. So 27 for kids flew out the window, with a revised plan of "kids before 30." I've got 12 months left. Let's do this!!

I had a strong urge to POAS this morning. I even opened the drawer where I keep them and picked one up. I feel like today should be lucky. But then reason won over. 5dp5dt is probably a bit soon, and the last thing I need today is a BFN.

I kind of miss the days of no longer analyzing everything my body was doing. After we found out we wouldn't get pregnant on our own, I never had to think about it. Now, it's back and worse than ever! Why are the girls so swollen and sore this early before my period? Why does my back hurt? Why am I so tired? Why do I get little cramps here and there? UGH!!! I hope I can give myself the birthday gift of not thinking about my body today!

4dp5dt

I want to thank BB from Baby to Be, and Jenicini from Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man... for awarding me the Lovely Blog Award! I know I'm supposed to pass it on, but a lot of the blogs I follow have already been awarded it, too. So here's a couple others I've been enjoying.

1. Allison @ My Journey with Endometriosis

2. Hope4Joy @ hope4joy

3. B. @ no news isn't always good news

Moving on, as I said, I'm now 4dp5dt. I doubt most women feel any symptoms by now, but I wish I did. I've been tired and taking naps here and there, which is highly unusual for me. However, with the insane amount of hormones being pumped into me, it's hard to read into anything. I told my mom that I wish there was a telltale sign, like your pee turned purple or something. But, then if it wasn't purple by now the next 8 days would just suck. Without knowing I can at least have hope until then. But doubt is definitely creeping in. I've never seen a 2nd line on a HPT and don't believe they even exist, even though I've seen people post pictures of their BFPs. I think I'm a rare exception in the IF world in that I gave up on HPTs. Once the RE gave us the grim news I figured, why waste the money? AF will always show up for free. Well, I hope other people's 2wws are going well. I for one am getting antsy. This is going to be the longest week EVER.

A Pea in its Pod

Yes, 1 pea. Walking in to the clinic today, we really thought we were going to choose 2 embryos for the transfer. Then the embryologist greeted us and started absolutely gushing about the quality of our little embryos. She even said something to the effect of, "it's almost a question of how pregnant you want to get." She sat down with us and showed us the picture of our 11 grade A blastocysts and continued to gush about them. According to her, all 11 looked better than the model photo they use during their consultations. In fact, she went as far as to say she wanted to wallpaper her office with our photos. It was really exciting! She also showed us how some of the embryos have even begun to hatch, which apparently is a really good sign for implantation. Then she started busting out the statistics for single embyro transfers versus double embryo transfers. She estimated that transferring 2 would probably only increase our odds by 5%. Brian and I were left to think and we still decided on 2. I was brought into the room for the transfer and a little later Dr. A met with us. The first words out of his mouth were, "Are you sure you want to transfer 2?" We discussed the risks of a twin pregnancy (he guessed our odds would be about 60%), and success rates and costs of FET. After all that, along with the continued encouragement of the embryologist, we changed our minds and went with one. Although I would love a near guarantee for this to work the first time, the reality is there is no rush. We have 10 little babies on ice waiting for their chance someday.