Looking Forward

Oh my gosh. It has been such a long journey getting here. I know that some people have been trying for a lot longer and have gone through much more heartbreak. However, I don't think it matters if you've been trying for 5 years or 5 months. When a medical professional hands you the news that you have basically no chance of conceiving a child naturally, it is absolutely devastating. It rips your heart wide open, and can nearly destroy the very foundation of a relationship you thought was built so well. We have been to hell and back this year. Thankfully we have been able to lay a new, stronger foundation over the last few months. And now here we stand, on the cusp of something so amazing and miraculous. I absolutely cannot believe that tomorrow I will be carrying home two beautiful embryos. Whether they stick or not, I am going to love them and cherish every moment we have together. I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. And I can't wait!!!

A+ for Effort

I'm happy to report that I slept so much better last night! This morning we got our punctual update from the embryologist. At this point, all 15 embryos have divided into 4 cells. I am still so amazed and excited! 13 are currently scoring A+'s, with 1B and 1C (Brian said that gives us a GPA of 3.8... I was always a good student.). So, she said it would be too difficult to choose the best ones tomorrow, meaning we will be going for a 5dt at 11:00 on Saturday! She cautioned us that typically only about 40-50% of them will make it to blastocysts, but that she's fully anticipating excellent embryos for the transfer and extras to freeze! I'm a little bummed that we won't get any more updates until Saturday, but so far so good.

We have now officially cracked and told all family. I'm still trying to remain cautious, and fully realize that things can still go wrong and there are no guarantees. But I did get a fortune cookie back in May that I held on to, because I'm hoping it's prophetic. It reads, "You will have full contentment by summer's end." I take my final beta on August 12, which is the last day of my summer vacation. That's pretty eerie. All I know is that after everything Brian and I have been through this year, we're due for some miracles.

15 Kids, Catholic

If you don't know Jim Gaffigan or his comedy, I'm sorry that joke is probably lost on you. We got the call from the embryologist this morning that out of 21 eggs, 19 were mature and 15 fertilized. We are over the moon with joy and feel so blessed! We'll get another update tomorrow about whether we'll be going 3 days or 5 days. Either way, I'll be on bed rest through Monday, so I cracked and told my mom the exciting news. There's no way I could possibly cover what's going on when she gets here Sunday. I'm glad she knows though, and I'm looking forward to her distracting me for the majority of the time before my final beta on the 12th.

Last night I had the worst insomnia ever. I don't know what my problem was. It wasn't even that I was sitting there thinking about anything, I just couldn't fall asleep. I think part of it was that I was trying to stay propped up a little, and it is a proven fact that I cannot sleep on my back. By 2:30am, I gave up and turned on my side which was slightly uncomfortable. I also started to get super hot, so I had to turn on the window AC even though it was probably in the 50s last night. I'm pretty sure I didn't fall asleep until at least 4:00. So lame. I feel a lot more comfortable physically today, so I'm hoping tonight does not follow the same path!

Blackjack!

21 eggs! I cried I was so relieved. Brian also had one of his highest counts thus far, so good news all around. I sure hope my eggs and his swimmers are as smitten with each other as we were 11 years ago in German class. We joked this morning about them being as awkward as we were with each other at first, but if they follow in our footsteps, they should all be perfect for each other. :)

ER was not the nightmare I was fearing it would be. The anesthetist was great and promised to keep me on the sleepier side, so it took me a little longer to wake up, but no complaints. I have mild cramps which tylenol is helping, and the most uncomfortable thing is that I feel pretty gassy.

Yesterday was actually far worse. I had to start doxycycline, and foolishly I only took it with a small glass of water. Bad idea. I was vomiting 30 minutes later, barely ate lunch, and napped nearly all day. Now I get to start medrol, which I have been told will make my cheeks turn pink and give me some pretty sweet hot flashes. At this point, I couldn't care less. I'm just so, so relieved!

Pulling the Trigger!

Woohoo! I've made it to trigger! ER will be Monday morning at 8:30, with a 3dt on 7/30 or 5dt on 8/1. So excited! Especially because I only have 2 shots left to look forward to tonight, and no more dexamethasone.

This morning's u/s made me a little nervous. The weekend tech sucks. She jabs, she's slow, and she hums (wtf?!). And apparently she finds fewer follies than the weekday lady. She measured 15, according to Brian's counting. Shouldn't they be increasing rather than decreasing? Oh, and then she failed to inform us that we needed to stick around afterwards. I found 2 frantic voicemails on my phone about an hour after getting home to get my ass back there. Luckily we live about a mile from the clinic so we got there before their 10am deadline, and I got the good news and my new med protocol. (I also had to listen to a 5wk pg girl gleefully discuss progesterone levels with a nurse while we waited. So envious.) I'm hoping against all hope that we're going to have the most amazing 5 yr anniversary gift ever!

Getting Antsy

4th b/w and u/s this morning went fine. Brian did a more accurate count and we have 17 follies that are progressing nicely. Righty is apparently the over-achiever with about twice as many as lefty. I got the call this afternoon to take more stims tonight to get em a little bigger. I will definitely be triggering over the weekend with a Monday or Tuesday retrieval. I can't wait!

I had my affective needs training today. It was a really nice distraction actually. Kind of relaxing even, in that I barely thought about my ovaries all day.

Keep On Keepin' On

I feel the need to apologize again for my gross foot picture. Brian said it looked like a "hobo foot." It prompted me to finally cut and paint today. Way overdue.

I had my 3rd follicle check today. Brian thinks he counted about 22-25 that measured between 9-14mm. I guess they need to reach at least 16mm before they're considered mature enough to trigger. I was really hoping to be triggering tonight. Sleeping is becoming very uncomfortable, and I'm sick of the constant waking up to pee. Oh wait, pregnancy will do that too. Hmm... I think I'll welcome it when it means I'm actually pregnant. Tomorrow morning I go in again, which is kind of nice because it gets me out of part of the training I am supposed to attend tomorrow. I have to attend an all day thing to learn the curriculum and strategies for helping in a classroom for "emotionally disabled" kindergartners and first graders. I'm enough of an emotional wreck these days that I might benefit myself. When I got home from my appt. this morning I cried for a while. I just want to be done already. It's exhausting.

Oh, and am I the only one ready to punch their phlebotomist? Every morning this bad Kristin Wiig character tells me that I'm dehydrated and need to drink and eat something before I get there. Bitch, I am drinking like crazy, I pee every 30 minutes, and it is CLEAR! I am not dehydrated, it's just your nasty needle that gives me anxiety and shrinks my veins!!! Whoah, ok, I'm done.

What a Clutz!

So yesterday I was sitting on the couch, kind of on top of my right foot. I got up after a while and made my way towards the kitchen. I realized that my right leg felt like it was asleep but I assumed I was fine. Then suddenly, I fell to the floor and my right foot was not so happy. I actually had to summon Brian from the family room to help me up and hold me until the feeling returned to my leg. What an idiot!! (And then the rest of the night I was slightly paranoid that I probably compressed and popped my swollen ovaries. I can't wait for these eggs to be harvested so I don't have to worry about my growing friends. But I'm guessing I'll still worry even when they're in the lab.)

I'm pretty sure my baby toe shouldn't be purple, green, or blue, and especially not all at once. Oh, and sorry for my poor nail polish. It's a month old. Yikes, I suck at upkeep.

Another Follicle Update

Today was my third encounter with the wand in a week after 5 days of stims. Brian said he felt a little threatened by it. (It was his first time attending an u/s with me.) We had 9 follicles that they stopped to measure, and many other little guys waiting in the wings for their close-ups. Hopefully they'll be camera-ready next time. The lady drawing my blood today really jabbed me. My poor arm still hurts. Between my arms and tummy, I look like a junkie of some sort. Nothing like IVF to make you feel sexy. At least I'm not getting bloated. I can definitely see my ovaries slowly puffing up, but everything else looks the same. I'm wondering when they will be softball sized like the nurse originally described back in March. All I know is they have to be putting pressure on my bladder somehow.

At this point, I think the steroids I'm taking are what's messing with me most. I am constantly hungry, and if I don't eat as soon as the hunger sets in my stomach starts killing me. Anybody else on the dexamethasone bandwagon? It's the only med that they never told me why I had to take, and I keep forgetting to ask. One of the rare side effects is anaphylactic shock, and since I've been taking it my throat has felt really odd. I know I'm just being paranoid. I really need to stop reading about the side effects of all these meds. I'm gonna take em anyway...

Next appt: Thursday, July 23 @ 7:15. C'mon, really? All you have open is 7:15? Ugh.

Quick Update

We had our first follie check today. I don't think my clinic is big into counting. All the tech said was "there's a lot of little ones." The nurse then met with us and said everything looks good and meds stay as is. I go back Tuesday, bright and early. I feel like my little friends must be growing because I've never woken up to pee so much in my life. I think I can also see them puffing up. Then again, that might be a result of cramming my face at every meal.

Trying is the fun part... HA!

A Better Day

Stimming went much better tonight. I talked to a nurse today who assured me it's normal for Q-caps to fit weird, and that if we have at least 0.7ml in the end, we should be fine. I felt much relieved. Brian managed to keep 0.9ml in the syringe tonight and we were both happy with that. We've been trying to keep this a secret from our families since most people just get to surprise everyone with pregnancy news, but tonight my brother came over for some grilling. We couldn't kick him out at meds time, so we filled him all in and swore him to secrecy. He gave us some ideas on how to pull the wool over my mom's eyes when she comes to visit in a couple weeks. I know she's gonna suspect something when I'm not indulging in margaritas with her, so we'll see.

We made some delicious lemon-basil chicken tonight, along with corn on the cob. Our dog Gilbert was able to steal away part of a corn stem, which he highly enjoyed. All in all, a much better night.

Comedy of Errors

We started stimming tonight, and boy was it a disaster! I don't know how other people are doing it, but we have to mix a Bravelle (75IU) and Menopur (150IU) cocktail with 1ml saline. First, the Q-cap didn't seem to fit properly onto the syringe. After trying a second syringe with the same result, we just decided to go with it. My husband pulled out the saline but was upset because there was a big air bubble in the syringe. Mixing went fine, but when it came time to detach the Q-cap and attach the needle (which also didn't seem to fit right), we had lost about 0.1ml of liquid. He started to push the plunger to get rid of all the air, and before all the air came out, a bunch of liquid shot out. We still have no idea how that happened since it looked like nothing but air on top. Finally, he got the remaining bubble out, and all that was left was about 0.75ml. The shot itself burned like hell going in, way worse than Lupron shots. Definitely going to be calling the clinic tomorrow to ask about this Q-cap, needle, and syringe situation. I don't remember it being a problem when we had our meds teaching back in March. Maybe we need another lesson. Can at least just ONE thing about getting pregnant be easy for us??? All right, enough complaining.

We had our friends (now also our new neighbors) over for dinner tonight with their almost 10 month old. He is so freakin' cute, and watching him play on our floor made me very excited at the thought that maybe, just maybe, we'll have one of our own in 9 months!

Green Light!

Ok, I can fully enjoy my Harry Potter experience with the news that I've been given the green light to stim! Major breath of relief!!!

Better Late Than Never

I am ready to be done with this! I don't know if it's Lupron or just me, but for the last four to five days I have been an emotional mess. If I'm not grumpy, I'm horribly anxious or on the verge of tears. I also have noticed that I startle SUPER easily. AF finally showed up yesterday, along with worse cramps than usual. I woke up in the middle of last night with radiating burning sensations. Of course my mind starting racing out of control. My assumption was that I probably haven't suppressed properly and my cycle will be canceled. At 12:30 I got up and googled cramps and Lupron, but I couldn't find any evidence that anyone else has had this problem. That made me very anxoius, so I woke up poor Brian (at 1:00am) and made him calm me down. I also took some tylenol and the cramps slowly faded. I didn't fall asleep again until at least 2:00, and my b/w and u/s were at 9:00 this morning. The u/s technician said my lining was thicker than they normally see, probably because they didn't have me take birth control pills, which could explain the cramps. But no cysts detected, so that's good. I'll have to wait until this afternoon to find out my blood results, and see if we can keep going. Luckily I have a lot of plans (for once) to keep me distracted today. I'm going to lunch with my old coworkers, then Brian and I are hoping to catch a matinee of the new Harry Potter movie. Oh yes, I'm a dork.

GRUMPY!

Ugh, I am grumpy today! AF did not show up yet, but the girls couldn't be more sore and swollen, so I know she's close. I hope this is her last visit for a LONG time!

We went antiquing today on a lovely stretch of Broadway (please note the sarcasm). I am not an antiquer. The first place was truly awful, and the old dude in the wheelchair with the festering foot wound didn't make it any more pleasant. Yesterday wasn't much better. The mall was crawling with pregnant women. I want to be one so bad!!

On a positive note, I am really grateful that I'm dealing with all of this in the summer while I don't have to work. I can't imagine sitting in an IEP meeting when I feel like I could cry or rage so easily. I'm also incredibly grateful to my in-laws for making all of this possible for us. And finally, I'm grateful for the support and well-wishes from all the people we've confided in so far. We are blessed, but I want to be more blessed.

So Far, So-So

Three days of Lupron down, and so far I haven't noticed much in the way of side effects. I did bawl my eyes out when Michael Jackson's daughter said her public goodbye to him yesterday, but I think she would have gotten to me drug-free, too. I'm a sucker for sad kiddo's, which I think means I went into the right field. Two nights ago, after shot #2, I felt some weird hot/cold flash thingies when I went to bed, but no repeat performance last night. Otherwise, nothing to report. I feel a little paranoid that maybe we're not doing the shots right, though I don't know how we could be screwing them up. Maybe I shouldn't complain and just count some blessings. It's hard not to worry though, about everything, when you're going through infertility. My next period should start this Sunday, meaning my day 2 u/s should be Monday. I hope all goes well and no cysts are found on my ovaries, which would cancel this cycle. I get nervous every time I feel a little cramp or twinge, assuming I must be developing a giant tumor in my uterus, rendering this all for nothing. But all of my previous u/s's and physicals suggest nothing wrong with my fertility, so I should just relax! Yet I won't be convinced that it's only MFI until I have a baby (or two) in my belly!

How Babies Are Really Made

I decided to start a blog about my experience with IVF after reading other people's versions. I feel like I'm part of some weird club I never thought I would be, but it's been nice to discover other "members" and read about their experiences. Infertility is pretty lonely sometimes. I think I'm a little out of the loop about it too, considering it takes me forever to dissect all the acronyms people use, and wonder if I missed getting a copy of the IVF to English dictionary. Oh well.

So here's our story. We started ttc (look at me go!) 1 year ago. Early on we decided to have my husband's count checked due to a medical history involving unfortunate soccer injuries. Our suspicions were confirmed in December, so we started talking to our RE about IUI. He told us it probably wasn't for us, and with my in-laws more than happy to fund IVF, we decided to go that direction. Now, here we are, beginning IVF cycle #1. We started Lupron shots (10u) last night, July 5th. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, though the needle was longer than I remembered from the teaching session. I am having my husband give them to me, as I can't even look at the needle without feeling a little woozy. He bought me Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Chubby Hubby, and juice afterwards. I think he's very concerned for his safety right now. I've been reading about other people's reactions to Lupron and it doesn't sound fun, for the wife OR husband! So far, no side effects though. Just a little tenderness at the injection site.