2 Months!

Miss Elodie turned two months old on Thursday last week. She had her two month appointment that very day, so the lucky girl got to celebrate by getting her vaccinations. Boo. Her appointment went well. Elodie weighed in at 8lbs 10.5oz which is at the 2nd percentile. Her height was 21.75" which is at the 18th percentile. Her head circumference was 38.5cm which is now at the 58th percentile. Her neurosurgeon told me a couple of weeks ago that her head would probably stay fairly stable for a while, but it's still amazing to me that her head is average sized now. We are so thankful for modern medicine and the skilled neurosurgeon who placed her shunt! There were a couple of highlights to her appointment, and one concern. The good news was that the pediatrician gave us permission to stop feeding her on a schedule. I was so happy to hear this, because I knew from experience (sleeping through my alarm) that she could sleep a lot longer than 3 hours at night. It hasn't been long enough to establish a pattern yet, but a couple of nights now she has eaten around 9:00pm and woken again around 3:00am. Then she'll sleep again until 8:00 or so. Love it! The other good news we got was that her "green jaundice" has cleared. We were instructed to reduce the vitamins we give her, and she was allowed to stop taking her liver medication. Her enzyme levels are still off, but I guess they are getting better. Yay! The big concern at the moment is with her vision. I had noticed that she doesn't make direct eye contact. She looks at people, but she looks just above the eyes. She also doesn't notice something that you shake right in front of her, nor will she turn to look at something in her peripheral vision. And she doesn't track moving objects at all. The pediatrician confirmed this with her own brief exam and made a referral back to the ophthalmologist. However, she doesn't want to see her until 6 months which is unacceptable to me. I have a friend whose son has visual impairment, so she suggested I contact The Anchor Center for Blind Children to request a functional visual assessment. I will be doing that soon. 

Now for the bullets. At 2 Months, Elodie is:

• wearing newborn diapers and outfits
• eating 40-110 milliliters per bottle, and taking 6-7 bottles per day
• eating expressed breast milk fortified with formula to make it 30 calories per ounce
• starting to suck on her hands
• smiling! Faint smiles emerged during the 7th week, and really picked up in frequency at 8 weeks. She now smiles at people.

• starting to make sweet little cooing noises. She also makes the occasional excited squeal when she's really happy.
• hating tummy time

Like her brother, Elodie was born with blue eyes. At this point, they are still a very vivid blue. One of the NICU nurses was convinced they will stay that way and wanted to put money on it, but I'm not convinced. I am guessing they will turn brown in the future. We shall see!

Love that little face!

It's Not About Me

When we first found out about Elodie's hydrocephalus, and what they thought was holoprosencephaly, I went into some pretty heavy grief really fast. I had what are probably fairly common thoughts of "why me?" and "what did we do to deserve this?" I even asked my mom this question one day. I considered that maybe we joked about our friend's kids too much, or maybe I was being punished for gossiping with my coworkers about some of the kids we work with. Obviously I was just a bad person and this was my sentence.

After Elodie was born, and as time has gone on, I have realized these thoughts were incredibly flawed for two big reasons. First and foremost, Elodie is not a punishment. At all. In fact, she is the greatest gift I have ever received. I look at her and thank my lucky stars every day that I get to be her mother. If you have followed the story of Baby Shane at all, who was born and passed away yesterday from anencephaly, then you too are probably inspired by his parents who carried him to term knowing he wouldn't survive. I definitely counted my blessings a few times yesterday. Will we have some challenging moments? Yes, of course. But that's just part of life. We are never guaranteed our health, and God forbid, I would never love Noah any less if something were to happen to him.

But the second big reason my thinking was so flawed is the thing I can't stop thinking about. Elodie's hydrocephalus and other issues aren't happening to me. They are happening to her. She does not deserve any of this, and it's incredibly unfair to her that she is going to have to live with this condition her whole life. She is the one who had to have brain surgery at two days old, and will most likely have several additional surgeries in the future. She is the one who suffers the pain of having her catheter changed every 5 days. She is the one who has twice daily Lovenox injections which sting her poor little thighs. She is the one who screamed in pain after she had to have three veins poked on Monday in order to get one vial of blood to check her Lovenox level. Yes, these things are hard on me too, but it's she who really suffers. It's not fair, for her. And my sweet baby definitely hasn't done anything to deserve this.

The lump in the back of her head is her shunt.

The evil catheter that makes her scream, and what we inject the Lovenox through.

Closing a Chapter

I saw this quote somewhere in the last trimester of my pregnancy with Elodie, before we learned about her medical condition. It really resonated with me. Trying to conceive and fertility problems ruled our lives for several years, and it definitely had a significant impact on my happiness and sanity. I am so grateful that we have completed our family on our own terms. Last November I wasn't really sure that was going to happen. It still blows my mind that Elodie is here, and that somehow we were able to create her without any medical intervention whatsoever. It feels absolutely amazing to close the TTC chapter of our lives. It was so painful.

Brian and I have considered three children from time to time. Noah has been one of the easiest kids to raise so far, and he brings a lot of joy to our lives. So why not have more? But the reality is, TTC was and is fairly traumatic, and now I have definitely experienced what I would consider a traumatic end to a pregnancy and birth of a child. So yeah, we are done. There is no way we will ever actively attempt to get pregnant again, and that is so amazingly refreshing! It's like a huge, horrid weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. There is no better feeling than kicking infertility's ass!

At my 6 week follow up, I had to address the topic of birth control. Truth is, I seriously hate the pill, and I have zero interest in implanting anything anywhere inside of me. My answer then was condoms. Will we religiously attempt to prevent? I have no idea. We don't know just how much Elodie's conception was miracle and how much was the possibility that somehow we're actually fertile people suddenly (which would still be pretty miraculous), but I'm pretty sure it's still super difficult for us to conceive. So I guess we're leaving it up to the universe. And the universe seems to know what is best, because it gifted me my daughter, which alleviates the possibility that I might have had those nagging "maybe we should try for a girl" thoughts. But this is definitely the end of trying. We are complete. Thank you Universe.

I just want to say to any of you still stuck in the trenches, try not to give up. In the end, it is all so worth it. But if you must, know that I hope you are able to find peace and joy in all of your life's other endeavors. And know that I am deeply sorry for the grief and bitterness of not having the ending you hoped for. It is so unfair.