Closing a Chapter

I saw this quote somewhere in the last trimester of my pregnancy with Elodie, before we learned about her medical condition. It really resonated with me. Trying to conceive and fertility problems ruled our lives for several years, and it definitely had a significant impact on my happiness and sanity. I am so grateful that we have completed our family on our own terms. Last November I wasn't really sure that was going to happen. It still blows my mind that Elodie is here, and that somehow we were able to create her without any medical intervention whatsoever. It feels absolutely amazing to close the TTC chapter of our lives. It was so painful.

Brian and I have considered three children from time to time. Noah has been one of the easiest kids to raise so far, and he brings a lot of joy to our lives. So why not have more? But the reality is, TTC was and is fairly traumatic, and now I have definitely experienced what I would consider a traumatic end to a pregnancy and birth of a child. So yeah, we are done. There is no way we will ever actively attempt to get pregnant again, and that is so amazingly refreshing! It's like a huge, horrid weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. There is no better feeling than kicking infertility's ass!

At my 6 week follow up, I had to address the topic of birth control. Truth is, I seriously hate the pill, and I have zero interest in implanting anything anywhere inside of me. My answer then was condoms. Will we religiously attempt to prevent? I have no idea. We don't know just how much Elodie's conception was miracle and how much was the possibility that somehow we're actually fertile people suddenly (which would still be pretty miraculous), but I'm pretty sure it's still super difficult for us to conceive. So I guess we're leaving it up to the universe. And the universe seems to know what is best, because it gifted me my daughter, which alleviates the possibility that I might have had those nagging "maybe we should try for a girl" thoughts. But this is definitely the end of trying. We are complete. Thank you Universe.

I just want to say to any of you still stuck in the trenches, try not to give up. In the end, it is all so worth it. But if you must, know that I hope you are able to find peace and joy in all of your life's other endeavors. And know that I am deeply sorry for the grief and bitterness of not having the ending you hoped for. It is so unfair.