Changing Directions

After a couple weeks away from blogging, I'm finally back. I've made some decisions about this space that might cause me to lose some readers, but it's a change that needs to be made. Infertility sucks. It takes a toll on pretty much every aspect of a person's life, and it definitely has taken a toll on me. My marriage, parenting, and friendships have all seriously suffered from everything Brian and I have gone through in the last year. I think it's safe to say that I have been seriously depressed for at least 8 months. While I was away, I realized that I am way too immersed in this. I spend a ridiculous amount of my free time reading blogs about infertility, and it mostly just makes me feel miserable. Other people's struggles make me sad for them, and other people's successes make me sad for me. I'm pretty sure there's a saying that if something isn't serving you, you should get rid of it. So, over the last couple of weeks I stopped reading blogs. And you know what? It helped a lot. My intention is not to stop reading all blogs. However, my focus needs to change. I have to stop living for the what-might-be-someday and start focusing on all the great things I already have. And what I do have is an amazing 3 year old son and a wonderful husband of almost 9 years. This needs to be my focus right now. So from now on, this space will mostly be a parenting/family blog. If some of you want nothing to do with that, I get it. Because infertility is still an unfortunate part of life that I have to deal with, I'm sure it will come up from time to time. We will be cycling again later this year, but I doubt I'll blog much about it. In case you're interested, we have decided to switch clinics again. It's just one painful decision in a long list of many, but with only 2-3 more shots at FET, we need to go with the clinic with a better track record.

And in case you're wondering, if I've been reading your blog for a while and actually "follow" you, I intend to keep following, just not as religiously. (I seriously kept two Safari browsers open on my phone for both my blogger dashboard and infertility blogs that I read frequently. Those have now been closed, with only one browser open to the news.) But the days of joining CycleSista and clicking onto new blogs is over. It feels good!

What Will Happen Today

Sometime late this afternoon, likely later than they promised, I will get a phone call with an apology. I will demand that I start birth control later this week and cycle again next month. Maybe they'll say yes, maybe they'll say no. I hope they say yes.

The hardest part about another negative result is that I find myself questioning my own judgement. Should we have stayed with our old clinic? I wouldn't work with Dr. B again even with a gun to my head, but the other doc there seems like a genuinely nice person. I was 2/2 there, and I am 0/2 at Dr. A's lab. He's a super nice guy, but his new clinic just doesn't match up according to SART. My old clinic had even better stats than CCRM I think. So, here we are, still not pregnant, totally angry, and not sure where to go from here. Sigh.

It'll be quiet here for a while, so thanks in advance for any supportive comments left here. You're all a bunch of amazing women!

Our First Family Camping Trip

Monday night we went on our first ever family camping trip. After living in Colorado for 8 years, it was about time! My dad was in town and he planned to visit us for the weekend and then go camping so he could flyfish. I suggested that we all go, and he was so excited. I figured our first time with Noah would be easier with my dad, who has all the camping supplies you would want. All in all, I would call it mostly a success. Except for the whole sleeping thing. Brian and I got a huge family tent as a wedding gift which would have been perfect. However, in our search for the tent Monday morning, we realized it might still be in a storage container we haven't had delivered yet. Oops! So we ended up borrowing what Brian's friend described as a "three person tent." That's a generous description. It was a tight fit for the three of us, and Noah spent the first hour of the night turning his flashlight on and off, and asking Brian and I if we liked it on or off. He would happily turn it back off each time we asked him to, but then would complain that he couldn't see and turn it back on. Let's just say it was a long night!

 Noah liked to pretend he was helping set up the tent. Does it look like a three person tent to you? Ha.

 After the tent was set up, it was time to help Papa set up Noah's camping chair.

 He loved it!

 We found a silk worm crawling across the ground. Sadly, it kept getting attacked by red ants. Noah kept yelling that the "skirt worm" was in trouble and asked me to help it. I was able to fend off the ants for a while, but eventually nature ran its course. 

 Noah absolutely loved hanging out in the tent. A little too much come bed time!

 He also got a kick out of helping Daddy and Papa pump water at the well.

 Noah explained that Jake (from the Neverland Pirates) taught him to hold out your arms for balance. He walked around the pump like this for a looong time.

 Noah liked sitting in Papa's chair more than his own.

 He also liked helping set up the fly rod. Catching Papa was soooo funny!

 Obligatory meds photo. Years ago I would have never considered camping in the middle of a cycle. How things change.

 Noah told us a spooky story. They always start with "Once upon a time" and involve a monster, witch, or other creepy creature coming after us.

 Due to all of the fire bans in Colorado, we weren't allowed to have a campfire, so the old Coleman lantern had to do.

 As I said, I got very little sleep. Can you guess why?

 My dad made eggs and sausage for breakfast. This is why camping with him and all of his supplies seemed like a good choice for our first camping trip!

My dad fishing in Eleven Mile Canyon.

It's going to be a while before I get the motivation to go again. I need to forget the 2-3 miserable hours of sleep I got. Next time we definitely need our bigger tent so Noah can sprawl, toss, and turn without taking over my pillow or using my stomach as one! I know my dad absolutely loved being a part of Noah's first camping trip, so I'm really glad we did it though!

Ready To Be Done

Apparently I'm in a very different headspace for this transfer. Last time I put off testing a day later than I had planned to because I wanted to pretend I could be pregnant one day longer. But this time? I'm done. Over it. Since Thursday I've become increasingly more convinced that I will be getting a BFN. Are there slivers of hope? Sure. I have woken up to pee a few times this week which I rarely ever do. Today I feel really hungry. But I feel like the top predictor of a BFP is the sore, swollen chest. Each day since Thursday I feel that it has deflated and decreased in tenderness. Some of you are probably thinking, just take the damn test already, and obviously at 11dp5dt I would get a definitive answer. I know I could just do that, but I don't want to take meds after getting a BFN. And I'm a good girl and would continue to do so even knowing that it's already over. However, I am considering making my clinic tell me after my first beta on Monday. If it's negative then, no way will it change three days later. The sooner I can end this misery, the better. I just want to stop thinking about it!!

June In Pictures

 Enjoying the first ice cream sandwich of summer!

 It's not something we do as often as we should, considering how much this kid loves his bubbles!

On Father's Day we went to the Evergreen Rodeo, a first for our family. Noah enjoyed chewing on grass and looking very country.

Hugging Daddy on his special day and watching the horses.

Evergreen Lake has paddle boat rentals, and knowing how much this kid loves playing with water, we thought we would give it a try. Noah absolutely loved it, and tried his best to help paddle with his hands. I held on tight to the rope on his life vest because he didn't seem to be too worried about falling out of the boat!

Ahoy there Noah!

We took a day trip to Breckenridge one day, where we enjoyed our favorite burger joint, Empire Burger. Yum!

And of course took advantage of the free gondola ride part way up Breckenridge ski area. (And also I cut my hair in there somewhere.)

June wasn't quite as exciting of a month as I originally thought it might be, but with my FET and Noah's illness, the end of the month was a little boring. We have a lot of fun plans in the works for this month though, so I hope I'll have more exciting adventures to share soon!

One Week Later

It's been a week since our transfer. Unfortunately I have more than a week left to wait until I get official results. For whatever reason, my first beta isn't until Monday and then it gets repeated Thursday which is when they will give results. Ugh. Last time I tested at 11dpt and when it was negative, it just seemed annoying to keep takings meds until my beta at 13dpt. So I don't know what to do this time. Just wait, or cave and POAS. Hmph.

I feel like my "symptoms" mirror both my successful FET and my successful fresh cycle. I had off and on cramps for the first 4-5 days, along with a lot of lower back pain. I still have what I would describe as throbbing ovaries here and there, along with sporadic back pain. I had a dull, annoying headache behind my left eye at 3-4dpt, and mild nauseous feelings around 4-5 dpt, especially after eating lunch. I feel a little more tired than usual, a little hungrier, and a little dehydrated. My chest is getting more sore each day, but not terribly so. Initially I kind of thought this was a success, but doubt is creeping in as my body is starting to feel more normal each day. So that's that. I won't know if any of it means anything for a while yet. Boo.

I did avoid catching whatever Noah had so I'm thankful for that. The timing didn't end up being so terrible, because at least he didn't mind being a couch potato with me during my bed rest. The last of my pregnant friends gave birth to her daughter on Sunday. I'm slightly relieved that I won't have to endure Facebook bump photos anymore, but it also makes me sad all over again that I lost my baby. The miscarriage definitely has taken its toll on my friendships. It's still hard to be around so many of them right now, with their healthy, happy babies and families. I know they don't mean to be insensitive, but a lot of what they say hurts me in ways they don't understand. So for now I'm continuing to keep my distance.