No Go

CD1 happened Saturday. Remember how I wondered how I would know I was at "full flow?" Well, let's just say this old SNL commercial came to mind.





So yeah, that means we're a no go for this next month. I have no idea how messed up I can expect my cycle to be now, so who knows when I can expect my next one to start. This cycle started a full week early, which makes me wonder if my body will readjust to its old timing or just go with it from here. It's a little disappointing, but it is what it is. In the meantime I will enjoy every minute of Minnesota. It's so green and humid... I love it!!

Thought Vomit

Yesterday evening I started bleeding. It's not a full flow yet, but it's definitely more than spotting. The nurse had told me that once I stopped the Provera, I could expect my period in 1-2 weeks, so I was not expecting anything to happen already. I called this morning and she told me it's normal to start bleeding while on the Provera, and to call back when I'm at full flow. Since they already told me I wouldn't have a normal period unless I took the Provera, I'm kind of wondering if I really will have a normal period anyway. How the heck do I determine when/if I have "full flow?" I am so sick of this messed up FET cycle. I highly doubt my period is going to wait around much longer (if this isn't already it) since today was my last pill, so I am fairly certain we won't be back from MN in time to meet the 5-12 day window. Sigh.

As I said before, I am a planner. I can't begin to explain how messed up all of my plans are getting. Brian and I have talked A LOT about moving back to MN next summer. The timing seemed perfect. I was going to have another Spring baby, take maternity leave until the end of the school year, then resign and move back over the summer. Now, with everything seemingly getting pushed back more and more, I will be lucky to have a baby by July. That is absolutely awful timing. For one, moving will be crazy hard with a newborn. Two, my maternity leave would be extremely short since I would have to start a new job at the end of August. I'm pretty sure a brand new employer won't let me start the year on leave. Third, if this baby comes any later, we will be forced to stay here for insurance reasons. I know I shouldn't waste time worrying about these scenarios because we have no idea how things are going to work out. However, it's just really frustrating that things are getting all mucked up. Things would be so much easier if we were one of those lucky fertile couples who just tries again next month. The waiting games we play are seriously one of the hardest and most frustrating parts of having fertility issues.

That brings me to another subject. Since having Noah, I have been mostly free of having "pregnancy envy." It was hard at first because the newborn phase was exhausting and all of my friends here in Denver were sporting cute little bumps. I wanted to be pregnant too. It was a weird mental state that I blame on hormones and lack of sleep. Then Noah started getting easier and the feelings faded away. When our plans for another started to get serious, I was happy to find that I still did not feel the envy. I thought that I, like so many of my friends, would easily get pregnant this time around. (Easy for an infertile couple at least.) But now I am finding that things seem even more difficult than before, and those yucky envious feelings are starting to reemerge. I don't want to be that bitter green monster again, leering at every pregnant belly I see and thinking, "You have no idea how lucky you are." Wanting to curse at women who casually joke to their friend, "I'm so glad I'm not pregnant right now. You look miserable. Two and done for me!" (True story. Well good for you. And I bet they both popped out sleeping through the night and reciting their alphabet.) Seriously, it is not healthy or fun to feel like that. At least I am not feeling that way in regards to my BFF who I will be seeing in a couple of weeks. After 3.5 years of ttc, she is now successfully knocked up thanks to IUI. I actually can't wait to see her bump and the happiness which I am sure will be radiating from her and her husband. They deserve it so much!

Lastly, I have thought a bit more about that chemical pregnancy. I think I came across as very strange about it. Again, I chalk that up to being a planner. It was messing with all of my other plans. But I want to be clear. In the months prior, I had noticed a large number of IF bloggers who ended up with urban legend pregnancies. Each time I read about one, I felt my stomach sink. I hoped I could be one of those lucky ones. The feelings I had when it actually happened were not what I expected, and I think it mostly stemmed from fear. Fear that it was too good to be true, fear that the baby might not be chromosomally normal. Don't get me wrong, there were tears of joy when I first saw that second line, and plenty of nervous excitement. I even told friends, family, and coworkers because, holy shit people, we got pregnant all by ourselves!!! But the fear was overwhelming. And in the end, that fear ended up protecting me from feeling monumentally upset when it turned out not to be. But now that this road has taken more unexpected turns, I'm feeling a little more upset that it didn't work out. So far, I am the only blogger I've seen who recently had a miracle BFP that didn't come to be. (Or else I'm the only one that blogged about it.) It all just feels so unfair. And yes, I know I'm lucky to have Noah. Super, crazy blessed. But when you want another child, you shouldn't have to push down those sad feelings and try not to appear ungrateful because you were already lucky once.

New Plan

Over the weekend I emailed my nurse to see what the story was. She called me back yesterday to discuss our plan moving forward. They told me to take the Provera for just 7 days instead of 10, then call on CD1. I will start BCPs on cycle day 5 and have an u/s between days 5-12. If the u/s looks clear, we will continue on with an early September transfer. If they still see an issue, we will do another hysteroscopy and go from there. I will also reduce the number of estradiol patches since my lining was quite thick. When I had my ultrasound back in May the sonographer mentioned that I had incredible blood flow into my uterus, and I have had extremely heavy periods since Noah was born, so this doesn't surprise me. I'm glad that the doctor seems to be paying a little more attention and tailoring things a little more specifically to me and my body. However, I still have a slight lack of confidence right now. When I asked the nurse what they saw on the ultrasound, she said it was probably a polyp. I have a hard time believing that. I have never had any known issue with my reproductive system, and just 2 months ago my hysteroscopy showed a "perfect" uterus. Of course, in the meantime I had a chemical pregnancy which ended at 5w0d, so who knows. Maybe things got all messed up. The nurse also acknowledged that the whole thing could have been chalked up to a "bad image." She told me that they have the utmost faith in their sonography team, but that it is a possibility. That really bothers me. If it could be a "bad image," I feel like they should've brought me back in to have someone else re-wand me and see if they came up with the same result. It would be a real shame if we canceled due to someone's mistake.

It feels good to have a plan again. I am a planner, and I feel very anxious and out of control when I don't know when something important is supposed to happen. I already realize though that this new plan may not work out. We will be in MN for most of the rest of this month (the one silver lining, we now have more time to go home and I can drink my mom's margaritas!), so it's possible I could miss the whole 5-12 day u/s window. It's not even an option in my mind to rearrange our trip again, so if we miss it, oh well. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to give my body a break from all of these hormones for a month. Though of course I hope we make it back in time. I have been wanting this for so long!

By the way, thanks to everyone for the supportive comments!

P.S. Quick cute story from tonight. Noah was resistant to joining me in his room for bedtime stories. I left him on our bed and went to his room. I sat in his chair and began reading loud enough so he could hear me in our room. He didn't budge. When I finished the first book, I heard him say, "More books!" (He always says this after each book.) I started laughing, then told him if he wanted more books he had to come join me. He called back, "I laying down!" At this point I got up and peeked into my bedroom. Sure enough, he was lying there on the bed smiling his devilish smile and looking very content. I asked him again if he wanted to read with mommy in the chair, and he scooted off the bed and joined me. He is too funny sometimes!

Summer Vacation, Part 2

June 16-30

I'll be honest, the second half of June was not terribly exciting. We went to a local car show on the 16th. We saw some really rare, old cars, and a bunch of really lame entries as well. Check out this beauty. I wish I could have seen the equally cool dude driving it.

It's hard to tell, but they painted skeletons all over it, including under the hood.

We also took Noah minigolfing for the first time. At first he didn't want to leave each hole. Once he understood that there was "another one" to move on to, then he kind of got into it. Mostly Brian and I played minigolf and Noah ran with his ball to each hole and tried to putt it in from about 3 inches. I can't tell you how many times he exclaimed, "Oops, I missed!" It was pretty cute, but he was none too happy when we reached the 18th hole and not only could he not find his ball in the hole, but there was not another hole to move onto.

Swing and a miss

Running down to the hole

On Father's Day, we took a short hike up in the foothills. Noah liked climbing on rocks and splashing in the little creek along the trail.

On the last day of June, Purina's Incredible Dog Challenge came to Denver's City Park for a show. It was really fun to watch. Sadly, we skipped the main event, the dog diving competition, but it was so freaking hot that day and Noah's face was getting red and blotchy from the heat. We did enjoy watching Jack Russel races, high jumping, pole weaving, and frisbee toss competitions though. We even saw Picaboo Street race a golden retriever through the weave poles. Talk about random.

Other than all that, we hit the pool a few times, but often we just stayed inside with the air conditioning. From June 22-26, we were over 100 degrees every day, topping out at 105 for two of them. Denver had the hottest June on record. Should be interesting to see what the rest of the summer will bring!

F You, Infertility.

F you so hard.

Today has been rough. Yesterday I had no time to cry or get angry. I got the phone call literally minutes before we needed to leave for my friend's wedding. I was just about to fix my makeup when it happened. Ok, I did cry for about 2 minutes and then put in fresh contacts and told myself to keep it together. I didn't want to show up to the wedding looking like a freak. I was numb most of the night, and a little angry. Since we began trying to conceive, I stopped drinking for the most part. Despite wanting to get blotto last night, I was wise and stayed pretty much sober. A couple times during the ceremony I thought I might lose it. After it was over, I said to Brian, "There should be something in those vows about hoping you don't end up infertile." Seriously.


On the way home I did cry some. I also cried in bed. This morning when I woke up I kind of hoped I had dreamt the whole thing, but my swollen puffy eyes quickly dashed any hope of that. This whole cancellation caught me so off guard. I really didn't see this coming. We have been operating under the belief that our infertility is male factor alone. All of my bloodwork, ultrasounds, hysterograms, and hysteroscopy have been described as perfect. Now I've had a surprise chemical pregnancy and "abnormal" lining within two months. It makes me worry that having another will be more of a challenge than we anticipated. Maybe I am broken, too. I thought this FET would be easy. I guess it was probably naive to think that I could be so lucky two times in a row. I mean, our first IVF went about as well as one could hope for. So there, if any of you ever thought I was overly Polly-fucking-Anna about how easy peasy this shit has been, I have my comeuppance.

This whole nightmare has given me a whole new respect for women who have been thoroughly screwed over by infertility. I'm losing it over a canceled cycle. I can't imagine failing over and over again, or losing a pregnancy. What's hardest is that for now, I have no plan. No idea what comes next, or when. We can't get in to see our doctor until August 14th (WTF?!), so until then it's just hurry up and wait, and wonder where it all went wrong. I can't help but wonder if maybe something stuck around from that chemical. Who knows. In the meantime, I have to take Provera so that I will have a normal period this cycle. When I went to pick up the prescription, the guy behind the counter said, "I have to ask you this question due to the nature of this medication. Are you pregnant?" Once again I was caught off guard, and I felt tears almost immediately welling up. I replied, "I couldn't be less pregnant." He apologized and again told me he was required to ask that question. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I emailed my nurse this morning to ask exactly what they saw on the ultrasound. I was too foggy and emotional yesterday to even think to ask when she called. Hopefully we'll have some answers soon. For now? I will try to put all of my energy into fully appreciating the rest of my summer off with Noah. Minnesota, here we come!

The C Word *Updated*

Canceled. We might be. The sonographer may have seen an abnormality in the lining. I didn't get my trigger shot. The nurse said they will review the images with a physician and call me later. I asked what will happen if something doesn't look right. She gave a sympathetic look and said, "I don't know. We might have to stop this cycle. If we do, we might have to do another hysteroscopy to check for a polyp. It's unlikely since everything looked fine in May, but you never know." 


Fuck. 


If you feel like sending positive vibes into the universe today, please send some my way.


*UPDATE*


It's official. We're canceled. How did things go so wrong so fast? I'm so disappointed and upset. And now I have to go celebrate a friend's wedding. Ugh. Watch out, open bar, because here comes a hot mess.

One Week

Tomorrow morning I go in for my lining check. If everything looks good, they will give me my first (of four) trigger shot in the office. We are one week from transfer. I am getting excited, but I have to admit small pangs of anxiety are developing. My main preoccupation is about the thaw. I am the kind of girl who throws away perfectly good frozen meat because I'm convinced it sat in the freezer too long and probably won't be okay to eat. Our embryo's have been frozen for almost 3 years. They don't "go bad," do they? I hope they survive well! We just need one perfect little guy (or girl). Surely one of these ten can live up to the challenge. Right?

Yes, I can count. I know there are eleven pictured. One of these gorgeous little embies became my sweet little Noah! (The one on the far left, I believe.)

Happy Independence Day!

We had a very low-key but patriotic Fourth of July. Unfortunately with all of the dry conditions and wildfires burning in Colorado, ours and neighboring counties banned professional fireworks displays, and we didn't feel like driving into and out of Denver late tonight. We'll have to wait until September when they've been rescheduled for our community. Here's some highlights of our holiday.



We biked into town to watch a parade. You can't tell, but Noah has a dinosaur helmet. Rarrr!



Noah playing with his patriotic pinwheel.

Watching our local parade

Someone gave us a flag along the way

Eating candy thrown to him. He had a lot!

Picking up some more candy!

Our favorite part of the parade. How cute are they?

When we got home Noah made a "castle" with the couch cushions. This provided hours of entertainment today. :)

Dessert. This is about as creative as I get.

Happy Fourth of July!