F You, Infertility.

F you so hard.

Today has been rough. Yesterday I had no time to cry or get angry. I got the phone call literally minutes before we needed to leave for my friend's wedding. I was just about to fix my makeup when it happened. Ok, I did cry for about 2 minutes and then put in fresh contacts and told myself to keep it together. I didn't want to show up to the wedding looking like a freak. I was numb most of the night, and a little angry. Since we began trying to conceive, I stopped drinking for the most part. Despite wanting to get blotto last night, I was wise and stayed pretty much sober. A couple times during the ceremony I thought I might lose it. After it was over, I said to Brian, "There should be something in those vows about hoping you don't end up infertile." Seriously.


On the way home I did cry some. I also cried in bed. This morning when I woke up I kind of hoped I had dreamt the whole thing, but my swollen puffy eyes quickly dashed any hope of that. This whole cancellation caught me so off guard. I really didn't see this coming. We have been operating under the belief that our infertility is male factor alone. All of my bloodwork, ultrasounds, hysterograms, and hysteroscopy have been described as perfect. Now I've had a surprise chemical pregnancy and "abnormal" lining within two months. It makes me worry that having another will be more of a challenge than we anticipated. Maybe I am broken, too. I thought this FET would be easy. I guess it was probably naive to think that I could be so lucky two times in a row. I mean, our first IVF went about as well as one could hope for. So there, if any of you ever thought I was overly Polly-fucking-Anna about how easy peasy this shit has been, I have my comeuppance.

This whole nightmare has given me a whole new respect for women who have been thoroughly screwed over by infertility. I'm losing it over a canceled cycle. I can't imagine failing over and over again, or losing a pregnancy. What's hardest is that for now, I have no plan. No idea what comes next, or when. We can't get in to see our doctor until August 14th (WTF?!), so until then it's just hurry up and wait, and wonder where it all went wrong. I can't help but wonder if maybe something stuck around from that chemical. Who knows. In the meantime, I have to take Provera so that I will have a normal period this cycle. When I went to pick up the prescription, the guy behind the counter said, "I have to ask you this question due to the nature of this medication. Are you pregnant?" Once again I was caught off guard, and I felt tears almost immediately welling up. I replied, "I couldn't be less pregnant." He apologized and again told me he was required to ask that question. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I emailed my nurse this morning to ask exactly what they saw on the ultrasound. I was too foggy and emotional yesterday to even think to ask when she called. Hopefully we'll have some answers soon. For now? I will try to put all of my energy into fully appreciating the rest of my summer off with Noah. Minnesota, here we come!