It’s been about a month since we lost our baby, and three weeks since we found out. In that time I’ve done a lot of reflecting. To be perfectly honest, I was worried from the start. All of the things I’m about to share were thoughts I had since the day of transfer. I think I didn’t share them here for fear that if I typed them, they would come true. Now I know that’s just silly. What will be will be, regardless of whether or not I express my fears. On the day of transfer, the picture of our embryo looked kind of funny to me. I remember with Noah, I looked at the picture and just marveled. My gut instinct when I saw our thawed embryo was, hmm, that doesn’t look right. But really, what do I know? Clearly a thawed embryo will probably look different since they often still need to hydrate and expand after the picture is taken. But I did feel it, so I’m sharing that. Obviously our beta results didn’t wow me either. A 62 hour doubling time seemed pretty darn slow. With our first ultrasound, I felt pretty surprised that there really was a baby in there with a strong heartbeat. There was no denial in that. And the fact that he measured behind truly didn’t faze me much because I expected to be a few days off. What I didn’t share though was this. During that first ultrasound I freaked out a little because it was so hard to see the baby on the screen. With Noah, the sac was a big black oval and he was a clearly visible little white oval inside of it. The heartbeat was as plain as day. This time I could barely make the baby out apart from the rest of the image, let alone the flicker of the heartbeat. I even said to the sonographer, I don’t know how you make sense of any of this. Her reply was, it’s as clear as mud, and she laughed. Then she asked me to go pee because my bladder was full and it was affecting the image. Afterward she thought it looked so much clearer but I still wasn’t convinced. I felt bad because I barely noticed when we listened to the heartbeat. I was too preoccupied with the blurry image. But the sonographer and PA who saw me immediately after both stated that they saw no causes for concern whatsoever. So I tried to believe them. After that, I did feel kind of relaxed. But then just days before my second ultrasound, I really started to feel like something wasn’t right. I felt way too good. At the ultrasound itself, I initially felt really relieved. When the baby came onto the screen, the sac was much larger and the baby was much clearer. But it didn’t take long for me to see that the flicker that should be visible wasn’t. I laid there thinking, any minute now she’s going to say “there’s the heartbeat.” Except I knew she wasn’t going to say that. Instead, I heard, “Oh Lisa, I’m so sorry. I don’t see a heartbeat.” I took a deep breath and let it out. I knew it. And I am never doubting my instincts again.
It certainly has not been easy, but every day since I actually miscarried things have gotten slightly easier. I still have my hard days. Yesterday was one of them. I had to go in for my weekly blood draw to check my HCG level. These appointments are a little torturous. It’s just an unpleasant weekly reminder of what happened. The good news is that my level is dropping nicely, from 693 last week to 115 this week. They expect about 1-2 more weeks before I zero out. After my blood draw I went to a department meeting with all of the school psychologists and social workers in my school district. It never fails that there are several pregnant bellies in the room. Each time I see a happy pregnant woman, I have this quick sensation of my heart falling into my stomach. If you’ve ever been through a totally unexpected break up or gotten really bad news without any warning, it’s kind of like that sinking feeling, but in miniature form. I don’t like feeling this way. Unfortunately I have 3 friends who are currently pregnant and another who is either trying or already pregnant but hasn’t announced anything yet. I really don’t like feeling this way around them. So far I haven’t had to see any of them, but I know I can’t avoid it forever. It makes me feel like a bad person for not being able to enjoy their pregnancy with them. I know it’s a normal feeling, and that deep down of course I really am happy for them. It’s just hard to see people who have gotten so easily what I am still working so hard for. On my way back from the meeting I got the call about my HCG levels and I asked when I can expect to find out the genetic results. Then I got to school. The school that I’ve missed so many days at. Everything bad happened on Fridays, which is one of the two days that I’m scheduled there. Some people still didn’t know what had happened but were pretty darn suspicious. So yesterday was a day of explaining and listening to “I’m so sorry” over and over. Yeah, it was a hard day.
But like I said, things are getting easier overall. I am looking forward to seeing our previous RE in a couple of weeks. I actually took some pleasure in filling out all the forms for his clinic because hey, first step in moving forward! I can’t wait to show him pictures of Noah and finally be able to tell him in person how grateful we are for everything he did for us. I’ve been making major efforts to stop being lethargic and quiet all night, and instead playing with my little snuggle bug. Noah has been extremely playful and silly lately. His imagination in his play makes me smile and laugh all of the time. We are constantly pretending to be animals together, from dinosaurs hunting prey, to chinchillas being rescued off a tree branch (thank you Diego), to whales swimming across the floor. He likes to pretend he is a baby animal and I am the mommy. He gives me these big, cuddly hugs and buries his face into my chest while squealing, “Mommy!” He really is the best medicine. Overall, I’m just looking forward to being able to move on. I can’t wait to be done with the blood draws and get the final report on what if any chromosomal/genetic issues were found. Then I feel like I’ll really be able to move past the grief and get closer to a sense of healing. That will be nice.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Reframing
It feels like I've lost a lot with this miscarriage. I've lost my baby. I've lost any chance of feeling safe in any future pregnancies. I've lost all hope of having kids not much more than three years apart. I've lost the chance to be pregnant and due around the same time as many of my friends. I've lost confidence in the fact that we will have more kids. I've lost any desire to have more than two children because this process is too difficult to go through over and over. (And just when Brian was starting to talk about three...)
But, regardless of everything I've lost, I have so much already. If Noah really does end up being our one and only, at least we knocked it out of the park with him.
But, regardless of everything I've lost, I have so much already. If Noah really does end up being our one and only, at least we knocked it out of the park with him.
He's already more than I could have ever hoped for.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Holiday Cheer?
I love this time of the year. Decorating the house and watching all the holiday classics on TV and DVD always makes me feel all warm and happy inside. The last couple years it's been especially fun with buying gifts for the little guy and seeing the holidays through his eyes. But not this year.
I am having such a hard time. There are moments when things are fun and happy. Like this morning. We strung lights on this huge pine tree/shrub thingy in our yard. Noah watched us and played in the yard as we worked. Then we headed in to check that the lights for our house were still working. When Brian plugged them in, Noah got all excited. "I found blue, and purple, and red! Oooh, I love these lights!" To read that doesn't do it justice because you needed to hear the sweet little 2-year-old voice saying it. So damn cute. And when we put up the tree, he started talking about wanting a ladder to climb "the beanstalk" (sometimes pronounced "beanstop"). He must have read this book at daycare. It made me laugh to hear him say it over and over.
But in the background, there is always this shadow of sadness lurking. Everything feels muted. I absolutely loved being pregnant over the holidays. It made everything feel even happier and cozier. This year I was looking forward to eating for two at Thanksgiving. I had lofty plans to make a cute pregnancy announcement Christmas card to send out. (I say lofty because I've never actually followed through on getting a card made to send out.) None of these things will be happening now.
On a related note, after my crappy third OB appointment Monday, I spilled the news on Facebook. I really wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just pissed and sick of having to bottle it up. People are constantly asking me "How are you doing?" so I thought I'd just let it all out so they would know. I am sad, and angry, and pretty damn bitter. The next day I got an email from one of my cousins. She told me that she and her husband just did IVF for the first time. About 2.5 weeks ago, they found out they lost their baby at 9 weeks. This breaks my heart, and I hate that she is going through this, too. But if there is any silver lining here, at least we can be a support to each other. Hopefully in the coming months we'll both have happier news to share together.
I am having such a hard time. There are moments when things are fun and happy. Like this morning. We strung lights on this huge pine tree/shrub thingy in our yard. Noah watched us and played in the yard as we worked. Then we headed in to check that the lights for our house were still working. When Brian plugged them in, Noah got all excited. "I found blue, and purple, and red! Oooh, I love these lights!" To read that doesn't do it justice because you needed to hear the sweet little 2-year-old voice saying it. So damn cute. And when we put up the tree, he started talking about wanting a ladder to climb "the beanstalk" (sometimes pronounced "beanstop"). He must have read this book at daycare. It made me laugh to hear him say it over and over.
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| In his right hand, he is holding his "little bags." They hold the replacement bulbs for our mini lights outside. I can't touch them. "No, they not your little bags!" |
On a related note, after my crappy third OB appointment Monday, I spilled the news on Facebook. I really wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just pissed and sick of having to bottle it up. People are constantly asking me "How are you doing?" so I thought I'd just let it all out so they would know. I am sad, and angry, and pretty damn bitter. The next day I got an email from one of my cousins. She told me that she and her husband just did IVF for the first time. About 2.5 weeks ago, they found out they lost their baby at 9 weeks. This breaks my heart, and I hate that she is going through this, too. But if there is any silver lining here, at least we can be a support to each other. Hopefully in the coming months we'll both have happier news to share together.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Enough Already
Today I got to spend another 10 minutes of my life sitting in the OB's waiting room with all of the pregnant ladies just so a doctor could confirm that yes, I did miscarry and no, I do not need a D&C tomorrow. Three visits in two weeks is enough to make me feel a little stabby. I so wanted to be a happy momma sitting in the waiting room with a cute little bump and I worked damn hard for it, so please stop rubbing it in my face. I also can't stand the sympathetic faces from the nurses and doctors as they tell you how sorry they are for the hundredth time. I know there's nothing else really to say, but I can't take it anymore. It makes me teary and sniffly and I'm sick of crying. Acknowledge that this totally sucks and let's move on. Just once I would love it if my doctor said something like, "Well this is fucking horseshit, isn't it?" Because that's really how I'm feeling.
The anger is not fun to deal with. I hate the bitterness that I feel right now, and the apathy I feel towards so many aspects of my life. I forgot how raw the pain of infertility was. The canceled FET in July brought it back a little, but now it's full-blown. Sometimes life is so fucking unfair.
The anger is not fun to deal with. I hate the bitterness that I feel right now, and the apathy I feel towards so many aspects of my life. I forgot how raw the pain of infertility was. The canceled FET in July brought it back a little, but now it's full-blown. Sometimes life is so fucking unfair.
Friday, November 16, 2012
It's Over
(If you don't want to read about a miscarriage, I suggest you quickly leave this blog. It's not very graphic, but still. Maybe TMI for some.)
The human body is amazing. On Tuesday night, hours after posting about my lack of miscarriage symptoms, I started spotting. I was so relieved. That continued through last night, at which point things started to get more crampy and uncomfortable. This morning I went in for my follow up appointment. We did another ultrasound and the baby was measuring 7w2d, which is smaller than last week when it measured 8w0d. The doctor gave me all the directions for my D&C on Tuesday, and I asked if I can cancel if I end up miscarrying over the weekend. She asked me to still go on Tuesday and they will do an ultrasound before the procedure to make a final decision. I left the appointment feeling a little dejected. I decided to go to work because the cramps weren't terrible and oh my gosh I've missed SO MANY DAYS. A few miles from the school I could feel rhythmic cramps beginning. They were working in a top-down fashion, and spaced out a few minutes apart from each other. Not exactly like menstrual cramps, and only slightly more uncomfortable. On a pain scale of 1-10, it was maybe a 5. I stopped at a grocery store to grab advil and that's when I felt the first little gush. I quickly grabbed what I needed and checked out. I got in my car and drove over to the school. When I got out of the car there was a much larger gush which felt like something significant passed out of me. At this point I knew I was leaving immediately because either I just miscarried, or I was bleeding too much to stay at work. I ran inside and used the bathroom quickly, and my suspicions were confirmed. I got home, called the PA at my clinic, and asked her about the genetic testing. I brought the tissue to them and we should get the results next week. I don't plan to find out the sex. For whatever reason I'm fairly certain that will only bring more pain. But I would like to know if there was a genetic issue. It won't likely change anything we do since we have every intention of doing another FET with one of our snowbabies, plus we know we can make a chromosomally normal kid. But it just seems like good information to have.
At some point I am supposed to hear from my nurse so we can schedule blood draws to monitor my HCG level until it hits zero. I also made a consult appointment with our old RE for December 11, and we will go from there. I really look forward to seeing him. His rate for an FET is a full $1000 less than our current clinic, so for us "out of pocket" people (ok, really it's out of my in-laws' pocket) that is a huge improvement already.
I know for some women, miscarrying naturally sounds so much more emotionally and physically difficult than a D&C. For me, I found being able to miscarry naturally extremely cathartic. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. And I know that for me, it felt like a better way to honor the life of what had been, and what will always be in my heart. I'm so glad this is over.
The human body is amazing. On Tuesday night, hours after posting about my lack of miscarriage symptoms, I started spotting. I was so relieved. That continued through last night, at which point things started to get more crampy and uncomfortable. This morning I went in for my follow up appointment. We did another ultrasound and the baby was measuring 7w2d, which is smaller than last week when it measured 8w0d. The doctor gave me all the directions for my D&C on Tuesday, and I asked if I can cancel if I end up miscarrying over the weekend. She asked me to still go on Tuesday and they will do an ultrasound before the procedure to make a final decision. I left the appointment feeling a little dejected. I decided to go to work because the cramps weren't terrible and oh my gosh I've missed SO MANY DAYS. A few miles from the school I could feel rhythmic cramps beginning. They were working in a top-down fashion, and spaced out a few minutes apart from each other. Not exactly like menstrual cramps, and only slightly more uncomfortable. On a pain scale of 1-10, it was maybe a 5. I stopped at a grocery store to grab advil and that's when I felt the first little gush. I quickly grabbed what I needed and checked out. I got in my car and drove over to the school. When I got out of the car there was a much larger gush which felt like something significant passed out of me. At this point I knew I was leaving immediately because either I just miscarried, or I was bleeding too much to stay at work. I ran inside and used the bathroom quickly, and my suspicions were confirmed. I got home, called the PA at my clinic, and asked her about the genetic testing. I brought the tissue to them and we should get the results next week. I don't plan to find out the sex. For whatever reason I'm fairly certain that will only bring more pain. But I would like to know if there was a genetic issue. It won't likely change anything we do since we have every intention of doing another FET with one of our snowbabies, plus we know we can make a chromosomally normal kid. But it just seems like good information to have.
At some point I am supposed to hear from my nurse so we can schedule blood draws to monitor my HCG level until it hits zero. I also made a consult appointment with our old RE for December 11, and we will go from there. I really look forward to seeing him. His rate for an FET is a full $1000 less than our current clinic, so for us "out of pocket" people (ok, really it's out of my in-laws' pocket) that is a huge improvement already.
I know for some women, miscarrying naturally sounds so much more emotionally and physically difficult than a D&C. For me, I found being able to miscarry naturally extremely cathartic. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. And I know that for me, it felt like a better way to honor the life of what had been, and what will always be in my heart. I'm so glad this is over.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Losing Hope
It's been three days since I stopped my meds. Not a single dull cramp. Not even the tiniest amount of spotting. I emailed the PA who initially spoke with me after my shit ultrasound and asked when I should cave and get the cytotec. Suddenly she is singing a different tune about that and recommends against it. She would like me to get another ultrasound on Friday to evaluate where things are, and then schedule a D&C for early next week if nothing happens. My OB also called to check on me and echoed this plan. As if things haven't been awful enough, now my own body won't even cooperate to give me a break. I really don't want the D&C. I hope I get this one tiny wish.
Today was my first day back at work. A lot of people knew about the pregnancy because it's hard to hide an FET from people when you're constantly messing up the scheduling of IEP meetings due to all of your appointments and days off. I tried to just keep to myself all day, but a few people asked how I was feeling and another person caught me crying in my office. So yeah, that all sucked. Tomorrow is another first day back in a way because I'm going to a different school. More people to hide from or cry to. It's all so fucking fun! I wish I could just curl up into the fetal position and sleep until winter break. I am so, so deeply depressed. I just can't believe that we have to go through everything again. All the shots, and appointments, and days off, and blood draws, and stress, and worry, and waiting waiting waiting. It's too much to think about. I just want to scream and scream and then smash something.
Noah has been very sweet. He's two and a half though, so of course sometimes he is a total pain in the ass and I have almost zero patience for listening to someone else cry and whine right now. But overall, he seems to realize Mommy is in a bad place. He was very snuggly over the weekend. Yesterday was the first day I really let everything out because Brian got the puking sickness over the weekend that Noah and I had, and half the time when I tried to talk to him he cut me off because he was trying to concentrate on not puking. So when Brian got home yesterday I wrapped my arms around him and cried and cried. Noah yelled at Brian for hugging me, so Brian explained that Mommy needed hugs. Noah stopped yelling and asked if he could hug me, too. So I picked him up and as he hugged me I sniffled, which prompted him to ask me, "Mommy, is you nose running? You need a tissue?" Oh my God, what would I do without him?
Today was my first day back at work. A lot of people knew about the pregnancy because it's hard to hide an FET from people when you're constantly messing up the scheduling of IEP meetings due to all of your appointments and days off. I tried to just keep to myself all day, but a few people asked how I was feeling and another person caught me crying in my office. So yeah, that all sucked. Tomorrow is another first day back in a way because I'm going to a different school. More people to hide from or cry to. It's all so fucking fun! I wish I could just curl up into the fetal position and sleep until winter break. I am so, so deeply depressed. I just can't believe that we have to go through everything again. All the shots, and appointments, and days off, and blood draws, and stress, and worry, and waiting waiting waiting. It's too much to think about. I just want to scream and scream and then smash something.
Noah has been very sweet. He's two and a half though, so of course sometimes he is a total pain in the ass and I have almost zero patience for listening to someone else cry and whine right now. But overall, he seems to realize Mommy is in a bad place. He was very snuggly over the weekend. Yesterday was the first day I really let everything out because Brian got the puking sickness over the weekend that Noah and I had, and half the time when I tried to talk to him he cut me off because he was trying to concentrate on not puking. So when Brian got home yesterday I wrapped my arms around him and cried and cried. Noah yelled at Brian for hugging me, so Brian explained that Mommy needed hugs. Noah stopped yelling and asked if he could hug me, too. So I picked him up and as he hugged me I sniffled, which prompted him to ask me, "Mommy, is you nose running? You need a tissue?" Oh my God, what would I do without him?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
My Decision
Last night I ripped off my estrogen patches. It was actually a pretty emotional moment, like admitting that yes, this is over. I've decided I'm going to try the natural route. I know it's going to be physically and emotionally painful, and will take much longer than a D&C to run it's course. Yesterday I talked to the only friend I know who's been through a D&C. She said it was a horrible experience, and she ended up being one of the unlucky 20% who ended up with uterine scarring. She needed several additional D&Cs to clear that out, which significantly delayed her ability to conceive again (but she did, and she has a beautiful 18 month old daughter to show for it). Despite what she went through she still said she wasn't sure she would've done anything differently. But for me, it's something like this that I just don't want to deal with. I trust in my body's ability to let nature run its course. And it makes me sad to think about this baby getting scraped out of me. That just sounds awful. So I'm going to give it a few days, and if nothing happens by Friday I will go in for the cytotec to see if we can speed things up. I just have a feeling I won't need to though.
Can I just say that having to make this decision totally fucking sucks? Ugh.
Brian and I have also talked a bit about next steps for us. For now I would like to wait until after the holidays to start any new plans, and that's probably our only option anyway. I've let go of the idea of "good timing" for due dates in relation to the school calendar. Clearly it's completely out of our control anyway. I'm also fairly certain that we will be leaving our clinic. Our original RE left the practice just before Noah was born. I thought he simply retired, but then a year later discovered that he opened his own practice about 10 miles away. I thought about switching for our FET cycle and even emailed the clinic, but I never heard back so we just stuck with what we knew. However, I think it's important that you have complete faith in your team and our experience this time around left us with a bad taste in our mouth (not because of the loss, I promise, I know that's not their fault). When the PA explained all of my options on Friday I asked her if we could take our embryos elsewhere. She was confident we could. So once I've been given the all clear in regards to the miscarriage, I will contact our old RE and get on his radar. It makes me a little happy to think about seeing him again. He's very dear to our family.
Thank you all so much for your kind comments over the last couple of days. I'm so glad I found this community. Your support is invaluable. Wish me luck this week. I'm going to need it.
Can I just say that having to make this decision totally fucking sucks? Ugh.
Brian and I have also talked a bit about next steps for us. For now I would like to wait until after the holidays to start any new plans, and that's probably our only option anyway. I've let go of the idea of "good timing" for due dates in relation to the school calendar. Clearly it's completely out of our control anyway. I'm also fairly certain that we will be leaving our clinic. Our original RE left the practice just before Noah was born. I thought he simply retired, but then a year later discovered that he opened his own practice about 10 miles away. I thought about switching for our FET cycle and even emailed the clinic, but I never heard back so we just stuck with what we knew. However, I think it's important that you have complete faith in your team and our experience this time around left us with a bad taste in our mouth (not because of the loss, I promise, I know that's not their fault). When the PA explained all of my options on Friday I asked her if we could take our embryos elsewhere. She was confident we could. So once I've been given the all clear in regards to the miscarriage, I will contact our old RE and get on his radar. It makes me a little happy to think about seeing him again. He's very dear to our family.
Thank you all so much for your kind comments over the last couple of days. I'm so glad I found this community. Your support is invaluable. Wish me luck this week. I'm going to need it.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Goodbye, Junebug.
Today was one of those days where you wake up and hope that the events of the previous day were just a bad dream. The crushing headache and swollen eyes, both the result from too many tears shed, quickly snapped me back to reality though.
We have lost our Junebug. There was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. Baby measured a full week behind.
I have a D&C scheduled through my OB on Tuesday. I am still weighing the options. I've never had surgery before, and I don't like that there is a risk of perforating or scarring the uterus. We don't need any more challenges. But I really hate the idea of going through a full miscarriage. At least I have some time to figure it out. Anyone with experience in this area of loss, please feel free to offer any thoughts you have on which option you chose.
We have lost our Junebug. There was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. Baby measured a full week behind.
I have a D&C scheduled through my OB on Tuesday. I am still weighing the options. I've never had surgery before, and I don't like that there is a risk of perforating or scarring the uterus. We don't need any more challenges. But I really hate the idea of going through a full miscarriage. At least I have some time to figure it out. Anyone with experience in this area of loss, please feel free to offer any thoughts you have on which option you chose.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thanks, Universe...
Last night I was feeling kind of blah. Brian went to make dinner for me, but I decided to go help after a few minutes. I commented to him that I had written a blog post about feeling fewer symptoms, but suddenly was feeling kind of nauseous and tired. Go figure. We made grilled cheese and tomato soup with Brian's favorite mandarin orange salad. Towards the end of getting everything prepared, I had to lie down. I felt so gross. I couldn't decide if I was overly hungry or really getting sick. I got up and took one bite of my grilled cheese which immediately confirmed that yes, I was really sick. I lied back down on the couch and listened to Noah fuss through his dinner. I knew I truly wasn't feeling well because I was getting really agitated by it, so I had to go upstairs and hide in bed. I was lying on my right side, and could tell if I moved at all I would be running to the bathroom to either puke or crap myself. I knew I would have to get up eventually since I can't sleep in my contacts, so I decided to just get it over with. To all the ladies with chronic morning sickness, I have a new respect for how shitty it must be. Puking in early pregnancy is really, truly terrible. And worrisome. Thankfully this is just a GI bug and I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning to ease my mind. In the meantime, I am parked on the couch, feeling much better, but missing my 7th full day of work since September. I am on a roll! And to think I thought I was spared from Noah's tummy bug. Dang!
On a side note, Noah was very sweet last night. He was upset that I wasn't downstairs with them, so Brian brought him into our room. He asked to hold my hand and then asked if I was all better. Brian told him mommy might throw up, so Noah asked if I had thrown up. I told him no, not yet. So he turned to Brian and said, "Mommy not throw up yet." You could tell he felt bad for me. Then Brian had to put him to bed by himself, and Noah pretty much insists that I have to read books every night. He wouldn't let Brian read anything. Brian would suggest a book and Noah would whine, "No, that's Mommy's book!" So he went to bed without books (despite Brian's continued offering), and very unhappy. Poor guy. He needs to get over this mommy-does-everything phase!
On a side note, Noah was very sweet last night. He was upset that I wasn't downstairs with them, so Brian brought him into our room. He asked to hold my hand and then asked if I was all better. Brian told him mommy might throw up, so Noah asked if I had thrown up. I told him no, not yet. So he turned to Brian and said, "Mommy not throw up yet." You could tell he felt bad for me. Then Brian had to put him to bed by himself, and Noah pretty much insists that I have to read books every night. He wouldn't let Brian read anything. Brian would suggest a book and Noah would whine, "No, that's Mommy's book!" So he went to bed without books (despite Brian's continued offering), and very unhappy. Poor guy. He needs to get over this mommy-does-everything phase!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
A Little Unnerved
Just a little update. I have to admit I’m feeling kind of nervous. There’s no good, valid reason for this, but I think it’s only natural to feel occasional doubts. The thing is, I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t look pregnant. There is nothing really reminding me that I am. My appetite is up a bit, but I kind of feel like it’s lessened from what it was a week ago. I’m still fatigued, but some days I don’t notice it at all. My nightly food baby doesn’t seem as impressive lately. Most of the time I feel great. Too good. Too good to be pregnant. With Noah I never felt very bad, but I know I didn’t feel this good either. At least then I had occasional gagging and dry heaving in the morning, with bouts of nausea interspersed throughout my day when I got too hungry. Considering I will be 9 weeks tomorrow, I am now 100% sure that I will not be having these symptoms.
Either this baby is no more (I really hope not), or I am definitely having another boy!
Either this baby is no more (I really hope not), or I am definitely having another boy!
Friday, November 2, 2012
What A Week
Warning: This post is mostly about vomit.
It all started Sunday night. Brian was just getting home from the grocery store. Noah had complained that his tummy hurt, and then asked for cheese. Like an idiot, I assumed he was hungry and gave him a cheese stick. As Brian was putting groceries away, Noah started crying. I went to hold him and then I got a vomit shower. I was literally covered from shoulder to thigh. Chunky, cheesy, really pukey smelling vomit. Then the poor guy just cried and cried while we stripped his clothes off, cleaned him, and cleaned the floor. We have mostly hard wood, but we were lucky enough that he hit the area rug. Throughout the rest of the night he did ok. He went to bed without any problems. But around 10:30 or so, he woke up and was whining. I turned on the video monitor and he was holding his hands out in front of his face with fingers spread wide apart. It seemed strange, so I went to check on him and sure enough, he was covered in puke. We cleaned him off, stripped the sheets, remade his bed and laid him back down. I emailed work to let them know I was staying home Monday. Twenty minutes later he started crying again, and yes, more puke. Changed him again and back to bed he went. That was the end of night one.
On Monday morning he woke up while I showered. When I got out I could hear him happily chatting to himself in his crib. I opened the door and he announced, "Mommy, I hear the Great Pumpkin!" So adorable. He had a really good day and I felt a little guilty for keeping him home and missing work. On Tuesday he went back to daycare and had another good day, though a little more needy than usual. He didn't eat much for dinner but that's usually the case these days. He slept through the night, until my alarm went off around 4:45am. I hit snooze and tried to get in a few more minutes of sleep. Then I heard Noah start crying. Things are starting to blur together at this point, but I'm pretty sure I went to check on him and he was throwing up again. Brian woke up and helped clean everything up, again, and he called in for a sub. Noah went back to sleep and requested milk when he woke up. Brian gave him a small glass, which brought on more vomiting throughout the day. He last threw up around 5pm that night, so Trick-or-Treating was out. It was a little sad while we ate dinner and he listened to the kids at our door. He kept asking, "Mommy, where's Noah's Halloween?" and "I want candy, pleeease!" He had some toast and pedialyte for dinner which he kept down. He went to bed fine. That was the end of day/night two.
Thursday he went back to daycare. He had a good day, but again was a little more cuddly/clingy. He ate bland, bland food and kept everything down. When I picked him up in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and repeated "My mommy!" over and over again. Heart=melted. He refused dinner again, aside from a baby food pouch and some grape juice. He went to bed without a fuss and fell asleep quickly. Just before 11pm, I woke up to the sounds of him whimpering in his room. I turned on the monitor and watched him for a few minutes. He had his head down on his pillow and his legs tucked under with his butt in the air. I figured it was nothing. After a few more minutes I decided to check on him. I rubbed his back and asked what was wrong. He sat up, spat out his pacifier, and puked all over himself twice. The second surge was kind of scary because it came fast and there was a lot. He seemed to choke on some of it, and kept trying to catch his breath. You could see the panic in his eyes as he stood up and quickly stomped his feet up and down in his crib. I just kept rubbing his back and telling him it would be ok until he finally got everything up. Brian helped me clean up the sheets for the 4th time this week, and then Noah asked to go back to bed. That was the end of night three.
Which brings us to today. I took off work again so I could bring Noah to the doctor. This pattern of bad days followed by good days was not feeling typical. All appointments at our clinic were booked for the day so we had to do walk-in care. I was worried about the wait, but I think all the crying and fussing Noah did in the waiting room helped us to be seen within 5 minutes. The doctor listened to the story of our week and agreed that it didn't seem to fit with the usual GI bug. We started with a strep test which was negative. Then she ordered an abdominal x-ray to check for any possible obstructions and a slew of blood tests to check kidney, liver, and pancreatic function, as well as for any infectious diseases. The x-ray went great. Noah was a champ even though I had to leave the room momentarily (no pregnant ladies allowed!) while they took the picture. The blood draw also went without a hitch. Noah has seen me take so many shots, so I just told him it was his turn to finally get one. He just said, "Oh!" in a cheery little voice and then watched his blood pour into the vials with clear interest. They gave him a sticker for being so good. When we got back to the room, the doctor explained that his x-ray was clear, though it appears as though he is pretty backed up in the poop department. The CBC panel was also clear. The doctor ran through all of the possibilities of what it still could be, with the most likely culprit being some sort of weird GI bug, but the lack of diarrhea kind of threw her on that one. She told me to call immediately if he starts vomiting in the early morning only, as this could indicate some kind of brain inflammation or infection. However, she felt that's highly unlikely since he has no other symptoms. We went home and got the call that all the rest of his blood tests look good, aside from his liver enzymes being a little elevated, but she said that's common when someone has a GI infection. So, hopefully this will pass soon and we can go back to our normal lives! I missed approximately 4 half-days of work all last school year. Since the beginning of this school year, I've already missed 6.5 days, 3.5 of which have been for my sick kiddo. No fun!!
It all started Sunday night. Brian was just getting home from the grocery store. Noah had complained that his tummy hurt, and then asked for cheese. Like an idiot, I assumed he was hungry and gave him a cheese stick. As Brian was putting groceries away, Noah started crying. I went to hold him and then I got a vomit shower. I was literally covered from shoulder to thigh. Chunky, cheesy, really pukey smelling vomit. Then the poor guy just cried and cried while we stripped his clothes off, cleaned him, and cleaned the floor. We have mostly hard wood, but we were lucky enough that he hit the area rug. Throughout the rest of the night he did ok. He went to bed without any problems. But around 10:30 or so, he woke up and was whining. I turned on the video monitor and he was holding his hands out in front of his face with fingers spread wide apart. It seemed strange, so I went to check on him and sure enough, he was covered in puke. We cleaned him off, stripped the sheets, remade his bed and laid him back down. I emailed work to let them know I was staying home Monday. Twenty minutes later he started crying again, and yes, more puke. Changed him again and back to bed he went. That was the end of night one.
On Monday morning he woke up while I showered. When I got out I could hear him happily chatting to himself in his crib. I opened the door and he announced, "Mommy, I hear the Great Pumpkin!" So adorable. He had a really good day and I felt a little guilty for keeping him home and missing work. On Tuesday he went back to daycare and had another good day, though a little more needy than usual. He didn't eat much for dinner but that's usually the case these days. He slept through the night, until my alarm went off around 4:45am. I hit snooze and tried to get in a few more minutes of sleep. Then I heard Noah start crying. Things are starting to blur together at this point, but I'm pretty sure I went to check on him and he was throwing up again. Brian woke up and helped clean everything up, again, and he called in for a sub. Noah went back to sleep and requested milk when he woke up. Brian gave him a small glass, which brought on more vomiting throughout the day. He last threw up around 5pm that night, so Trick-or-Treating was out. It was a little sad while we ate dinner and he listened to the kids at our door. He kept asking, "Mommy, where's Noah's Halloween?" and "I want candy, pleeease!" He had some toast and pedialyte for dinner which he kept down. He went to bed fine. That was the end of day/night two.
Thursday he went back to daycare. He had a good day, but again was a little more cuddly/clingy. He ate bland, bland food and kept everything down. When I picked him up in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and repeated "My mommy!" over and over again. Heart=melted. He refused dinner again, aside from a baby food pouch and some grape juice. He went to bed without a fuss and fell asleep quickly. Just before 11pm, I woke up to the sounds of him whimpering in his room. I turned on the monitor and watched him for a few minutes. He had his head down on his pillow and his legs tucked under with his butt in the air. I figured it was nothing. After a few more minutes I decided to check on him. I rubbed his back and asked what was wrong. He sat up, spat out his pacifier, and puked all over himself twice. The second surge was kind of scary because it came fast and there was a lot. He seemed to choke on some of it, and kept trying to catch his breath. You could see the panic in his eyes as he stood up and quickly stomped his feet up and down in his crib. I just kept rubbing his back and telling him it would be ok until he finally got everything up. Brian helped me clean up the sheets for the 4th time this week, and then Noah asked to go back to bed. That was the end of night three.
Which brings us to today. I took off work again so I could bring Noah to the doctor. This pattern of bad days followed by good days was not feeling typical. All appointments at our clinic were booked for the day so we had to do walk-in care. I was worried about the wait, but I think all the crying and fussing Noah did in the waiting room helped us to be seen within 5 minutes. The doctor listened to the story of our week and agreed that it didn't seem to fit with the usual GI bug. We started with a strep test which was negative. Then she ordered an abdominal x-ray to check for any possible obstructions and a slew of blood tests to check kidney, liver, and pancreatic function, as well as for any infectious diseases. The x-ray went great. Noah was a champ even though I had to leave the room momentarily (no pregnant ladies allowed!) while they took the picture. The blood draw also went without a hitch. Noah has seen me take so many shots, so I just told him it was his turn to finally get one. He just said, "Oh!" in a cheery little voice and then watched his blood pour into the vials with clear interest. They gave him a sticker for being so good. When we got back to the room, the doctor explained that his x-ray was clear, though it appears as though he is pretty backed up in the poop department. The CBC panel was also clear. The doctor ran through all of the possibilities of what it still could be, with the most likely culprit being some sort of weird GI bug, but the lack of diarrhea kind of threw her on that one. She told me to call immediately if he starts vomiting in the early morning only, as this could indicate some kind of brain inflammation or infection. However, she felt that's highly unlikely since he has no other symptoms. We went home and got the call that all the rest of his blood tests look good, aside from his liver enzymes being a little elevated, but she said that's common when someone has a GI infection. So, hopefully this will pass soon and we can go back to our normal lives! I missed approximately 4 half-days of work all last school year. Since the beginning of this school year, I've already missed 6.5 days, 3.5 of which have been for my sick kiddo. No fun!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
8 Weeks!
I’ve decided it’s time to start the weekly surveys. These are more for my benefit than anyone else’s, so if you couldn’t care less I don’t blame you. :)
How Far Along: 8w0d
How Big Is Baby: The size of a raspberry or a kidney bean.
Sex: For now I’m guessing boy, based solely on how good I am feeling. Just like when I was pregnant with Noah. In fact, I think I feel even better this time around.
Symptoms: Sore, growing chest. Fatigue at night and often after eating lunch. Slowly tightening pants. My nightly “food baby” which makes me look about 15 weeks pregnant. More frequent trips to the bathroom. Sometimes waking up to pee in the middle of the night. Super intense hunger. I can’t go more than a couple of hours without snacking on something or my stomach is growling big time. Occasional constipation, but it hasn’t been bad at all. Still no nausea, and I’m fairly certain I won’t be dealing with it. Noah threw up all over me Sunday night, and if that couldn’t get me to puke, nothing will. (Yes, I know I have it easy for the first trimester, and yes I am thankful!)
Food Cravings/Aversions: Nothing that sticks out. I guess maybe I’m more interested in carbs than usual, but probably not. I do like mashed potatoes lately.
Belly Button: In.
Sleep: Doing fine there. On the weekends I wake up to pee around the time I usually get up for work, but during the weekdays I don’t wake up overnight.
Stretch Marks: Not even close.
Weight: 115 (I was 110 at the doctor's office last week, but I think it's just a difference in scales. I certainly haven't gained 5 pounds in a week!)
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I am unbuttoning my pants a lot while sitting so they don’t dig in. Everything still fits, just getting a little more snug. I am close to retiring most of my bras, but the maternity/nursing bras that I wore last time are still too big.
Movement: Nope.
What I Miss: Not taking daily medications and shots. It’s getting old!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Ultrasound #2 next Friday. Graduating from our clinic and weaning from my meds.
Best Moment This Week: Seeing and hearing the heartbeat last Friday!
Milestones: Heartbeat!
How Far Along: 8w0d
How Big Is Baby: The size of a raspberry or a kidney bean.
Sex: For now I’m guessing boy, based solely on how good I am feeling. Just like when I was pregnant with Noah. In fact, I think I feel even better this time around.
Symptoms: Sore, growing chest. Fatigue at night and often after eating lunch. Slowly tightening pants. My nightly “food baby” which makes me look about 15 weeks pregnant. More frequent trips to the bathroom. Sometimes waking up to pee in the middle of the night. Super intense hunger. I can’t go more than a couple of hours without snacking on something or my stomach is growling big time. Occasional constipation, but it hasn’t been bad at all. Still no nausea, and I’m fairly certain I won’t be dealing with it. Noah threw up all over me Sunday night, and if that couldn’t get me to puke, nothing will. (Yes, I know I have it easy for the first trimester, and yes I am thankful!)
Food Cravings/Aversions: Nothing that sticks out. I guess maybe I’m more interested in carbs than usual, but probably not. I do like mashed potatoes lately.
Belly Button: In.
Sleep: Doing fine there. On the weekends I wake up to pee around the time I usually get up for work, but during the weekdays I don’t wake up overnight.
Stretch Marks: Not even close.
Weight: 115 (I was 110 at the doctor's office last week, but I think it's just a difference in scales. I certainly haven't gained 5 pounds in a week!)
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I am unbuttoning my pants a lot while sitting so they don’t dig in. Everything still fits, just getting a little more snug. I am close to retiring most of my bras, but the maternity/nursing bras that I wore last time are still too big.
Movement: Nope.
What I Miss: Not taking daily medications and shots. It’s getting old!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Ultrasound #2 next Friday. Graduating from our clinic and weaning from my meds.
Best Moment This Week: Seeing and hearing the heartbeat last Friday!
Milestones: Heartbeat!
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