Getting Through

It’s been about a month since we lost our baby, and three weeks since we found out. In that time I’ve done a lot of reflecting. To be perfectly honest, I was worried from the start. All of the things I’m about to share were thoughts I had since the day of transfer. I think I didn’t share them here for fear that if I typed them, they would come true. Now I know that’s just silly. What will be will be, regardless of whether or not I express my fears. On the day of transfer, the picture of our embryo looked kind of funny to me. I remember with Noah, I looked at the picture and just marveled. My gut instinct when I saw our thawed embryo was, hmm, that doesn’t look right. But really, what do I know? Clearly a thawed embryo will probably look different since they often still need to hydrate and expand after the picture is taken. But I did feel it, so I’m sharing that. Obviously our beta results didn’t wow me either. A 62 hour doubling time seemed pretty darn slow. With our first ultrasound, I felt pretty surprised that there really was a baby in there with a strong heartbeat. There was no denial in that. And the fact that he measured behind truly didn’t faze me much because I expected to be a few days off. What I didn’t share though was this. During that first ultrasound I freaked out a little because it was so hard to see the baby on the screen. With Noah, the sac was a big black oval and he was a clearly visible little white oval inside of it. The heartbeat was as plain as day. This time I could barely make the baby out apart from the rest of the image, let alone the flicker of the heartbeat. I even said to the sonographer, I don’t know how you make sense of any of this. Her reply was, it’s as clear as mud, and she laughed. Then she asked me to go pee because my bladder was full and it was affecting the image. Afterward she thought it looked so much clearer but I still wasn’t convinced. I felt bad because I barely noticed when we listened to the heartbeat. I was too preoccupied with the blurry image. But the sonographer and PA who saw me immediately after both stated that they saw no causes for concern whatsoever. So I tried to believe them. After that, I did feel kind of relaxed. But then just days before my second ultrasound, I really started to feel like something wasn’t right. I felt way too good. At the ultrasound itself, I initially felt really relieved. When the baby came onto the screen, the sac was much larger and the baby was much clearer. But it didn’t take long for me to see that the flicker that should be visible wasn’t. I laid there thinking, any minute now she’s going to say “there’s the heartbeat.” Except I knew she wasn’t going to say that. Instead, I heard, “Oh Lisa, I’m so sorry. I don’t see a heartbeat.” I took a deep breath and let it out. I knew it. And I am never doubting my instincts again.

It certainly has not been easy, but every day since I actually miscarried things have gotten slightly easier. I still have my hard days. Yesterday was one of them. I had to go in for my weekly blood draw to check my HCG level. These appointments are a little torturous. It’s just an unpleasant weekly reminder of what happened. The good news is that my level is dropping nicely, from 693 last week to 115 this week. They expect about 1-2 more weeks before I zero out. After my blood draw I went to a department meeting with all of the school psychologists and social workers in my school district. It never fails that there are several pregnant bellies in the room. Each time I see a happy pregnant woman, I have this quick sensation of my heart falling into my stomach. If you’ve ever been through a totally unexpected break up or gotten really bad news without any warning, it’s kind of like that sinking feeling, but in miniature form. I don’t like feeling this way. Unfortunately I have 3 friends who are currently pregnant and another who is either trying or already pregnant but hasn’t announced anything yet. I really don’t like feeling this way around them. So far I haven’t had to see any of them, but I know I can’t avoid it forever. It makes me feel like a bad person for not being able to enjoy their pregnancy with them. I know it’s a normal feeling, and that deep down of course I really am happy for them. It’s just hard to see people who have gotten so easily what I am still working so hard for. On my way back from the meeting I got the call about my HCG levels and I asked when I can expect to find out the genetic results. Then I got to school. The school that I’ve missed so many days at. Everything bad happened on Fridays, which is one of the two days that I’m scheduled there. Some people still didn’t know what had happened but were pretty darn suspicious. So yesterday was a day of explaining and listening to “I’m so sorry” over and over. Yeah, it was a hard day.

But like I said, things are getting easier overall. I am looking forward to seeing our previous RE in a couple of weeks. I actually took some pleasure in filling out all the forms for his clinic because hey, first step in moving forward! I can’t wait to show him pictures of Noah and finally be able to tell him in person how grateful we are for everything he did for us. I’ve been making major efforts to stop being lethargic and quiet all night, and instead playing with my little snuggle bug. Noah has been extremely playful and silly lately. His imagination in his play makes me smile and laugh all of the time. We are constantly pretending to be animals together, from dinosaurs hunting prey, to chinchillas being rescued off a tree branch (thank you Diego), to whales swimming across the floor. He likes to pretend he is a baby animal and I am the mommy. He gives me these big, cuddly hugs and buries his face into my chest while squealing, “Mommy!” He really is the best medicine. Overall, I’m just looking forward to being able to move on. I can’t wait to be done with the blood draws and get the final report on what if any chromosomal/genetic issues were found. Then I feel like I’ll really be able to move past the grief and get closer to a sense of healing. That will be nice.