It's Over

(If you don't want to read about a miscarriage, I suggest you quickly leave this blog. It's not very graphic, but still. Maybe TMI for some.)

The human body is amazing. On Tuesday night, hours after posting about my lack of miscarriage symptoms, I started spotting. I was so relieved. That continued through last night, at which point things started to get more crampy and uncomfortable. This morning I went in for my follow up appointment. We did another ultrasound and the baby was measuring 7w2d, which is smaller than last week when it measured 8w0d. The doctor gave me all the directions for my D&C on Tuesday, and I asked if I can cancel if I end up miscarrying over the weekend. She asked me to still go on Tuesday and they will do an ultrasound before the procedure to make a final decision. I left the appointment feeling a little dejected. I decided to go to work because the cramps weren't terrible and oh my gosh I've missed SO MANY DAYS. A few miles from the school I could feel rhythmic cramps beginning. They were working in a top-down fashion, and spaced out a few minutes apart from each other. Not exactly like menstrual cramps, and only slightly more uncomfortable. On a pain scale of 1-10, it was maybe a 5. I stopped at a grocery store to grab advil and that's when I felt the first little gush. I quickly grabbed what I needed and checked out. I got in my car and drove over to the school. When I got out of the car there was a much larger gush which felt like something significant passed out of me. At this point I knew I was leaving immediately because either I just miscarried, or I was bleeding too much to stay at work. I ran inside and used the bathroom quickly, and my suspicions were confirmed. I got home, called the PA at my clinic, and asked her about the genetic testing. I brought the tissue to them and we should get the results next week. I don't plan to find out the sex. For whatever reason I'm fairly certain that will only bring more pain. But I would like to know if there was a genetic issue. It won't likely change anything we do since we have every intention of doing another FET with one of our snowbabies, plus we know we can make a chromosomally normal kid. But it just seems like good information to have. 

At some point I am supposed to hear from my nurse so we can schedule blood draws to monitor my HCG level until it hits zero. I also made a consult appointment with our old RE for December 11, and we will go from there. I really look forward to seeing him. His rate for an FET is a full $1000 less than our current clinic, so for us "out of pocket" people (ok, really it's out of my in-laws' pocket) that is a huge improvement already.

I know for some women, miscarrying naturally sounds so much more emotionally and physically difficult than a D&C. For me, I found being able to miscarry naturally extremely cathartic. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. And I know that for me, it felt like a better way to honor the life of what had been, and what will always be in my heart. I'm so glad this is over.