Calendar

The nurse emailed me the calendar this morning. It's pretty much the same plan as before, except this time there's an additional ultrasound scheduled on the first day of the cycle. I was happy to see that, because I was going to ask for it anyways. There will also be less estrogen support, but not by much. Just a couple less patches. The nurse also sent me a letter for my employers to let them know that I am "undergoing treatments" and I will be on "medically necessary bed rest" from September 25-27. She asked me how subtle it needed to be, but what can you do when it's on letterhead from a place called "Conceptions Reproductive Associates?" Ha ha.

Today is my last real day of summer vacation. Then it's just the weekend, like everyone else. I'm sad, but there's more complex feelings there, too. I've never dreaded going back to work so much in my life. I know part of it is just because last year was a really hard, really stressful year. I am afraid that this year will be no different. But it's more than just that. I have this feeling that summer can't be over because I'm not pregnant yet. I can't go back to work yet because, "Hey wait!, something is missing here!" How can it be time to go back if I'm not pregnant? I want a do over. Brian is already back to work though, so I know it's really happening. I'm so not ready.

Ultrasound

This morning I was greeted by my favorite sonographer at my clinic. When I got pregnant with Noah, I thanked her on my graduation day for being so wonderful. Today I told her how relieved I was to see her face. I didn't want to see the lady from cancel day. She thanked me for the compliment. In her typical fashion, she pointed the screen towards me and explained everything she was doing. Although she never said one way or another if everything was ok, I was pretty sure it was. I knew she would tell me if she saw something, and I sure didn't see anything. I got dressed and waited in a room to meet with the nurse. She came in and asked me to re-explain why I was canceled last cycle (this was not the same nurse I saw before so she wasn't fully clued into the story). Then she said something like, "Well, Charlie (my usual nurse) already drew up a new calendar, so I think they expected everything to look fine today. And it does." PHEW! But at the same time, that's an interesting bit of information. They expected it to look fine. Hmm. Kind of losing faith...

Anyway, they didn't give me my calendar yet. She wants me to wait until my usual nurse gets back on Friday, at which point we'll take inventory of my meds and order anything I don't have enough of for this next attempt. Though I didn't get to take a copy of the calendar with me, she said I should be starting Lupron on August 28, the cycle will officially begin on September 10, and our tentative transfer date is Tuesday, September 25. I'm not going to mark it on my calendar or get too confident about it this time, but for now I feel relieved. We're moving forward, and that's the best direction to be headed!

Improving

First of all, thank you to those of you who took the time to offer support on my last post. It meant a lot to me. I don't think I really realized what a mess I was about trying to conceive our second. I could have sworn I felt calm and zen while I was going through the cycle, but I think deep down I must have been a wreck all along.

Today I went in for a follow up appointment regarding my heart arrhythmias. I almost felt silly going because I was feeling a lot better yesterday and only noticed about 3-5 skipped beats all day. That's compared to the 50 or so I was noticing per day prior. I think coming to the realization that this is most likely related to my anxiety level helped me to calm down. That and a really good cry on Saturday night. Sometimes that's the best medicine.

Anyway, I didn't get to see my regular doctor because she is off this whole week. Instead I saw the same doctor who checked my moles (er, barnacles) and saw Noah for his swollen boy bits. After this visit, I am seriously considering switching to him as my PCP. He was amazing. We started off with an EKG. That looked fine, so he asked me to tell him about everything going on in my life just prior to and during the period of time that my heart has been acting weird. I really wanted to keep it together because I hate crying in front of strangers, but he made it so hard with how well he seemed to just get everything. I think he alluded to the fact that either he or someone very close to him has been through infertility. He spoke about how it's such a hard process, and that the worst part is the never ending waiting. Waiting for tests, waiting for medications, waiting for transfers, waiting for results. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I just nodded, afraid to speak because I knew I wouldn't be able to. And then he said this, "And I'm sure you're at the age where your friends are getting pregnant and you're still just waiting." That is when I broke down, because it hit way too close to home. The hardest part of this is that I really thought that getting pregnant was going to be easy this time, and of course it isn't. And now many of my friends are trying to conceive again, and they are succeeding. I am happy for them, of course, but it's definitely been hard. So his final advice was to distract myself as much as possible and consider counseling through our fertility clinic. With our IVF in 2009, they offered one free counseling session with someone who contracts through them. We weren't offered that with our FET package, but I think I will look into it. God knows I could use it!

As for our FET redo, I am now back on the pill and waiting for my ultrasound on Wednesday morning. I'll be sure to update on how that goes. And thanks again ladies! I am so grateful to have found you all! I really don't know what I would do without the support!

Losing It

I feel like I am officially losing my mind. My anxiety is at an all time high, and it's making my life almost unlivable. I came into this summer on the heels of the most stressful work year of my life. Just when I thought things were going to calm down and I was going to enjoy summer, I ended up with a chemical pregnancy which was confirmed the day after my last day of work. That was pretty stressful, especially because I was worried that I was going to have to wait another month for the FET that I had been looking forward to for so long. Then they said I could go ahead with it. I felt a little calmer through the month of June. I had a few skipped heart beats here and there but I chalked it up to birth control and didn't worry. Then in early July I found out we had to cancel our FET and that really upset me. I also didn't like hearing that there was something "abnormal" in my uterus and not getting to find out what that means for a while (not until next week). Since my period came earlier than they suggested it would, my window for our next FET attempt was pushed back a month because we were in Minnesota. It seems like it was after that that my skipped beats really picked up in frequency and intensity. I started to worry about them constantly. It's a vicious cycle because the more I worry, the worse they get, and on and on. Knowing that I have to restart the FET process tomorrow makes me nervous in terms of starting all the hormones that seem to have been the catalyst for my increase in anxiety. I am also dreading going back to work. Especially since at the last minute (just like last school year), they switched one of my three schools. Now instead of a new middle school with 6th graders only one day a week, I will be at a high school for juvenile delinquents one day a week. They start school crazy early in the morning and it's way far away from my house. Our daycare provider is moving further south in our town at the beginning of September, making my morning commute already a little more difficult. I really just feel like everything is too much. I've even had momentary thoughts that maybe we should just stick with Noah and end the craziness of trying to have another because I'm too much of a mess. Last night I woke up at 3:15am to an intense anxiety attack and finally caved and took some Ativan. I started looking for reassurances on the internet that I wasn't going to die or lose my mind, and came across this big list of symptoms of severe anxiety. Of the 143 symptoms listed, I have 56 of them. It made me feel better because clearly the scary thoughts and sensations I'm having are just a normal part of this, and not signs that I'm about to die. But I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I have another doctor appointment Monday morning, so I hope they can come up with a plan of attack for me. I'm miserable.

On a funny, happier sidenote, Noah is starting to get interested in his potty, but no success stories yet. This morning he told me he wanted to poop on the potty (for the record, he says this occasionally but never means it). I brought his little Sesame Street potty chair into the bathroom and opened the lid for him. I had to pee as well, so as he watched me, he slammed the lid back down on his potty and then proceeded to pee all over it. Then he looked down at his wee-wee and said proudly, "Poopy." Nice work, kid.

Wait Is Over

When I felt small cramps this morning, I was excited. It's cycle day 1! I start BCPs on Sunday (meh) and my ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday. I really hope it looks clear. Though it would only raise my suspicions that the sonographer simply made a mistake last time, I don't want to deal with the alternative. Here we go again.

Waiting

The first hours after finding out we had to take a month off from our FET attempts, I was pretty bummed out. Then I had two weeks of living it up back home to distract me. It was good timing in a way, because I think my body really did need a break. Since beginning birth control in June, I've been having heart arrhythmias. For a while, they picked up in frequency, and at times they almost caused full-on panic attacks. I am prone to anxiety, and when I can feel my heart doing wonky things, that understandably causes increased anxiety. When we got home from vacation, I made an appointment with my doctor. She saw me the same day and took a sympathetic listen to my canceled FET story. She suggested that an increase in my estrogen levels certainly could have played a role in creating an initial arrhythmia, and that my hormones coupled with anxiety could be perpetuating them. The human mind is a tricky thing. She gave me lorazepam (generic for Ativan) to try to calm me down in general. I have noticed a sharp decrease in the number of arrhythmias, but they continue to bother me. I'm thinking tomorrow I will call back and ask for the heart monitor that she wanted to wait on. Though I doubt I'm having a true coronary event, I know I will feel more at ease moving forward with our next FET knowing that something isn't majorly wrong with me.
(Isn't infertility fun?)
As for when that will happen, I have no idea. I still don't know when to expect AF. The waiting has gotten so much harder now that we're home and back into our old routines. I start back to work in two weeks, and though I'm not looking forward to that stress again, I am happy to have an FET to look forward to. The end of summer is always so depressing to me. If I have to go back to work, at least I know I get to take bits and pieces of time off for me and our pursuit of another baby. I stored up a lot of sick time last school year hoping to cash it in for maternity pay, but it doesn't look like I'll be needing that anymore, so bring on the sick days! ;)

P.S. It's my birthday! I hope it's a lucky month!

Summer Vacation, Part 4: Minnesota!

July 15 - July 31

Since moving to Colorado, I have found that some people have some very strange ideas about Minnesota. We have met people from all over the country (because seriously, despite the few with superiority complexes who feel the need to plaster their cars with "Native" stickers, there aren't very many of them in Colorado (and to go even further into this tangent, how do Native Americans feel about those bumper stickers anyway?)), and it never ceases to amaze me when people assume Minnesota is a frozen tundra year round. The movie "Fargo" only depicted one season people. And yes, maybe winter is a little longer there, but we definitely have hot summers. When we got home, it was near 100 with a dew point in the 70s (which pushes the heat index over 100). That is just plain tropical. Which makes Minnesota one of the most beautifully lush and green states I have had the pleasure of spending time in. In Colorado people might take the beauty of the mountains for granted, but I have learned I took the beauty of trees and lakes for granted, too. More than ever before, Brian and I are determined to move back next year, and this trip convinced us it's the right decision. Without a doubt.

On our first day back, Brian golfed with some old college friends and my mom and I hung out all day. In the evening, we went to my dad's house for dinner. Noah enjoyed digging in the rocks with Papa Jeff. This was something I used to spend hours doing when I was younger (how cool am I?), so some of my DNA must be in there somewhere.

The next day was unbearably hot, so we went to the aquarium inside of the Mall of America. Noah was not shy about running up to the various displays and interacting with other children in his way. A couple of times he surprised me with his sealife identification skills. He actually correctly named an urchin! (iPad apps are good for something afterall.) He was fascinated by the huge turtles and all of the sharks he got to see. 

Brian and I took in a Minnesota Twins game with some friends, and for the first time in a long time, got to see them win. Then on Wednesday we headed up to my parents' cabin on East Battle Lake. Noah really enjoyed watching chipmunks, catching his first two fish, playing in the lake, going for boat rides, and blowing bubbles with Grandma Cheri. In the evening after Noah was in bed, the adults played heated rounds of Phase 10, Catch Phrase, and the Marble Game (you might know it as "Aggravation") while drinking margaritas, Stella Blues, and Stormy Nights. YUM. As usual, Noah adjusted well to an unfamiliar environment and slept and napped like a champion. He was also an eating machine the whole trip. A growth spurt maybe?

First fish!

This one melts me.

Our annual family photo in front of the lake.

After all the excitement of the cabin, we headed to Brian's parents' house on Sunday for a full week of fun! Noah, Grandma Wendy and I spent several mornings at their country club's pool. Noah enjoyed his version of swimming, which is more like crawling in the shallowest water available, and playing with all of the fun pool toys Grandma Wendy bought for him. On our last trip there he became addicted to a game of football/basketball which of course he called "soccer." He fell in the water twice, but we were able to cheer and clap the tears away by telling him what a great dive he did! (Two year olds are suckers.) We also went to the Minnesota Zoo to see the dinosaur exhibit they had going. Noah thinks he loves T-Rex, but when he saw a large, animatronic version, not so much. He liked the pterodactyl looking one though, and called it a dragon. One morning we went to a local beach and played in the sand. Noah thought it was really funny to smash the sand castles that Grandma Wendy and I labored over. He's such a destructive little guy! Brian got to play a ton of golf with his dad, and even beat him one day.

At the Zoo with Papa Tom

Ice cream with Grandma Wendy



A visit with Uncle Kevin and Aunt Erin. Noah loved Erin!



We learned that Noah is willing to try swimming when he has something to go after.

On the very last day, Brian started the trek back by car while Noah and I enjoyed a day at the Como Zoo (yes, Minneapolis/St. Paul has two of them) with my dad.


Overall, it was another great trip home. Two and a half weeks still felt too short. Hopefully our next trip back will be for the rest of our lives!





Summer Vacation, Part 3

July 1 - July 15

The beginning of July was fairly uneventful, and let's face it, a lot disappointing. For brevity's sake, I will sum it up mostly in pictures. However, I'll start with a quick story about Noah's medical appointments. At the end of June, I noticed that Noah's testicles looked red and swollen. We brought him into the doctor and he had an ultrasound. They couldn't formulate a diagnosis, so they referred us to a pediatric urologist. Two appointments later, we found out he probably had a minor infection that cleared up on it's own. The urologist guessed the infection was from either a) the strain from vomiting (he had gotten sick one night just before I noticed the swelling) or b) urine reflux. Either way, he's healthy and happy now. I was relieved that it was nothing requiring surgery such as a hydrocele or hernia. Phew.

We celebrated the Fourth.

 

We bought Noah betta fish. He doesn't seem too excited about them yet. None of us are. Oh well.

Brian and I attended a friend's wedding the night of our canceled FET. I managed to keep it together all night. Go me.

In Colorado Springs you can feed giraffes at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. It is one of the most beautiful zoos I've ever been to, set on the side of a mountain.



Noah was too frightened to feed them though.



Here he is curled up in his stroller, deathly afraid of the giraffes.

Noah got to feed chickens. Surprisingly, he was not afraid to try it. But once the chicken pecked in the cup, he was ready to hand it off to daddy.

  

On one hot day, we met our daycare provider and her daughter at a local splash park. I caught Livy sharing something very important with Noah. As a typical guy, he's more interested in his beverage.

Walking through a fake river. I just missed catching them holding hands and looking so adorable. Sadly my arms were full and I couldn't focus in on them in time.

After all that, we boarded a plane and set off for Minnesota. I'll share that trip soon!