Losing It

I feel like I am officially losing my mind. My anxiety is at an all time high, and it's making my life almost unlivable. I came into this summer on the heels of the most stressful work year of my life. Just when I thought things were going to calm down and I was going to enjoy summer, I ended up with a chemical pregnancy which was confirmed the day after my last day of work. That was pretty stressful, especially because I was worried that I was going to have to wait another month for the FET that I had been looking forward to for so long. Then they said I could go ahead with it. I felt a little calmer through the month of June. I had a few skipped heart beats here and there but I chalked it up to birth control and didn't worry. Then in early July I found out we had to cancel our FET and that really upset me. I also didn't like hearing that there was something "abnormal" in my uterus and not getting to find out what that means for a while (not until next week). Since my period came earlier than they suggested it would, my window for our next FET attempt was pushed back a month because we were in Minnesota. It seems like it was after that that my skipped beats really picked up in frequency and intensity. I started to worry about them constantly. It's a vicious cycle because the more I worry, the worse they get, and on and on. Knowing that I have to restart the FET process tomorrow makes me nervous in terms of starting all the hormones that seem to have been the catalyst for my increase in anxiety. I am also dreading going back to work. Especially since at the last minute (just like last school year), they switched one of my three schools. Now instead of a new middle school with 6th graders only one day a week, I will be at a high school for juvenile delinquents one day a week. They start school crazy early in the morning and it's way far away from my house. Our daycare provider is moving further south in our town at the beginning of September, making my morning commute already a little more difficult. I really just feel like everything is too much. I've even had momentary thoughts that maybe we should just stick with Noah and end the craziness of trying to have another because I'm too much of a mess. Last night I woke up at 3:15am to an intense anxiety attack and finally caved and took some Ativan. I started looking for reassurances on the internet that I wasn't going to die or lose my mind, and came across this big list of symptoms of severe anxiety. Of the 143 symptoms listed, I have 56 of them. It made me feel better because clearly the scary thoughts and sensations I'm having are just a normal part of this, and not signs that I'm about to die. But I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I have another doctor appointment Monday morning, so I hope they can come up with a plan of attack for me. I'm miserable.

On a funny, happier sidenote, Noah is starting to get interested in his potty, but no success stories yet. This morning he told me he wanted to poop on the potty (for the record, he says this occasionally but never means it). I brought his little Sesame Street potty chair into the bathroom and opened the lid for him. I had to pee as well, so as he watched me, he slammed the lid back down on his potty and then proceeded to pee all over it. Then he looked down at his wee-wee and said proudly, "Poopy." Nice work, kid.