No News Is Annoying

When I got pregnant with Noah, I was allowed to go off all of my hormone support after the second beta. I never went back to the clinic until my ultrasound at 7 weeks. When I was told this time to come in for weekly blood draws, I initially expected that they would look at the HCG. Then, over the weekend I started to feel doubtful. I became convinced that they would only check estrogen and progesterone levels today. Turns out I was right. When I got to the clinic this morning I asked the phlebotomist what we were testing today. Just E2 and P4. I complained and asked why we couldn't check HCG. She responded that at this point it's more important to know what the progesterone is doing, and if that looks good it's likely a healthy pregnancy. I don't know how they can be so confident when I'm taking PIO shots daily, and the level seems to fluctuate all over the place from week to week. The good news is that my levels have been consistently "excellent," but I personally don't see these numbers as very informative. Last week my P4 level was in the 80s, and today it was 57. It just needs to be over 20 to be ok, but I don't really know how they can decide that everything is fine just from that. I'll try to keep trusting them.

Things just feel so different this time around. I know that having had that chemical pregnancy back in May has made me more skeptical than I had been in the past. There's nothing like losing a pregnancy to convince yourself that every subsequent pregnancy is doomed. It bums me out to be in such a different head space. With Noah, I was nervous. Of course I was nervous. But I feel like I kind of embraced the hope so much faster. I remember playing songs to my little man early on and talking to him and telling him how much I hoped he would stick around. I obeyed all of the pregnancy rules strictly (no unpasteurized cheese, no deli meat, etc.). This time I feel far more detached. I don't talk to or play music for this baby. I ate a cold ham sandwich at the birthday party this weekend. I ate blue cheese crumbles on my salad Sunday night. These are things I never would have dared to do before. Part of it may just be the tendency to relax a little knowing that everything was fine last time. However, I really feel like a lot of it is that I'm not ready to celebrate this yet. I told myself before my second beta that if the numbers were ok, I would just enjoy this and trust that it's ok. This is likely my last pregnancy since we only plan to have two children and I want to enjoy every moment of it. I hope I can mentally get there soon.

In terms of symptoms, they seem to come and go. Sometimes I think I'm overanalyzing little things and attributing meaning when there is none. Do I actually feel a little nauseous? Am I really actually tired? Am I peeing more than normal or just drinking more water than usual? Or am I just paying so much attention and hoping for something to show up that I'm ending up with psychosomatic symptoms. There is no doubt that I gagged on my toothbrush yesterday morning, but was that only because I'm secretly hoping that I will? And then there's the flip side. I get through the day and think, "Gosh, I wasn't as tired today." Or I wake up in the morning and think, "Hmm, my chest doesn't seem as sore as it did last night." Or I go to bed and realize I never once felt even the tiniest bit nauseous all day. It's a crazy train that I absolutely hate being on. I know I'll survive until next Friday, but I really wish I could've gotten more information today. I'm sick of feeling so much doubt.

Today I am 5w4d. 10 days til ultrasound.