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End of Year Reflections
As someone who works in a public school setting, I measure my years according to the school calendar. Reflecting on this last year, I can’t help but think of where I was exactly one year ago today. I was sitting at one of the worst school assignments I’ve ever had willing my period to start. It was supposed to be Cycle Day 1, and I wanted to get the show on the road for my upcoming FET. I was seriously excited at the thought of having another baby and couldn’t wait to start my meds. But dammit, my monthly visitor wasn’t showing up. By Memorial Day I was growing frustrated that my stupid period hadn’t started. We were having friends over for a little barbeque and I decided that if I was going to drink, I should at least confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. (Ha, as if!) The disbelief I experienced when I found out I was pregnant is indescribable. It was unbelievable. And even though I miscarried at 5w0d, I still treasure it as one of the most amazing points of my life. I never thought I’d be surprised like that, and I feel beyond lucky to have had that experience.
Now, here I am one year later. I’m still not pregnant, and I’m hoping and praying that this will be the cycle. Today is Cycle Day 2 and I have officially begun my 4th FET. (4th? Seriously?) Though in some ways it feels like nothing has changed, in reality so much has. Long gone are the days where I get excited about a cycle. Ambivalent is the best word I can use to describe my feelings about this FET. Of course I’m hoping it will work, but I am also sick of the process. There are multiple recommendations I was given for this cycle that I haven’t followed through on. A year ago I would’ve been on top of it all. Now, it feels like too much work to find an acupuncturist. I don’t have a clue where the discount card went which I was supposed to be using to get cheap estrogen patches each month. I haven’t started the prescription drug I filled a month ago because I don’t totally believe that I need “improved vascularity” to my uterus. I spoke to my nurse about it yesterday and she said my attitude is understandable. My doctor is supposed to call me today with his thoughts about the medication in an attempt to convince me to take it. My confidence in the whole process has nearly evaporated. Can I really overcome my clotting issues, Rh antibodies (despite 4 freaking Rhogam shots over the course of the last 3 years), thyroid issues, MTHFR mutations, and subpar linings to hit a home run again? I’m not so sure. It feels like a long shot. A year ago it didn’t. Sigh.
And then FaceBook. What an evil thing it can be. It’s hard enough with my due date rapidly approaching. I think about it all the time a lot. But every damn day I see pregnancy announcements, belly shots, count downs to due dates, pictures of big siblings cradling their new baby siblings. And what the hell is up with having to see announcements from people I’m not even friends with? If one of my friends “likes” their friend’s ultrasound photo, it shows up on my newsfeed. Is this just some sort of sick torture? I can barely handle it anymore. I am also a total masochist because I can’t stop following some blogs. Blogs that leave me mostly sad and envious. I had a small group of ladies I met through CycleSista when I got pregnant with my JuneBug. We all got pregnant within a week or two of each other. Each week I continue to read their countdowns, belly shots, and pregnancy updates. Why do I do this to myself? I do think they give me some hope, but mostly they just make me feel grief. For a long time I lost count of how many weeks pregnant I should have been, but now as their due dates approach, I am painfully aware that I could have been 37 weeks today. Full term. Double sigh.
Please, oh please, don’t let me do this same reflection a year from today. Let this be my year.
Awe sweetie. I think your state of mind is totally understandable. Have you thought about taking a break from facebook and getting rid of any bookmarks to blogs that just make you feel junky? Being facebook free seemed like it would be hard at first, but I am SO GLAD I am not on there anymore. I figure anyone who is family or a real friend can reach out the old fashioned way.
ReplyDeleteI know how frustrating it is to deal with IF with all the extraneous factors like clotting issues, etc. It just downright complicates everything. I am in a similar boat trying to figure out how to maneuver around all the complex issues and make my body normal enough to welcome an embryo to implant...if that's even possible!
Hang in there! I will be KMFX for you during this FET. I hope the call with your RE goes well and that you gain a renewed sense of belief about this upcoming cycle.
Big, giant, huge {{{HUGS}}} Please don't feel like you need to follow my (or anyone else's) blog that is causing you pain. That's the last thing in the world I would want. I will be here cheering you on and WHEN you do get pregnant with that lucky, sticky bean I can't wait to jump for joy!
ReplyDeleteWe too were lucky enough to have an "unplanned" pregnancy, that also ended around 5 or 6 weeks right after we were married, but I'm still so thankful for it because it gave me that "normal" experience that as infertiles we usually don't get to have.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you don't want to hope this time around. And since that's the case, don't force it. Having or not having hope isn't going to affect the outcome so do what feels right. I just know that over here I'll certainly be hoping for you big time. :)
I'm a teacher too. We do measure the years in school years! I had a miscarriage with our first IVF and I follow a blog of a women that go pregnant (she had a transfer the same exact day as me). I usually don't look because as I see her growing belly, I realize, I would be 7 months now. OUCCH! I too finally snapped with facebook. I had my husband deactivate account and change password. Its still there if I want it, but it has been a huge relief and way less "stings" of RANDOM ultrasounds. You are so luck you got pregnant on your first IVF. We had ton of Frozen embryos but our first transfer wasn't a go. We have 2 frozen left but are going all out again this summer :) Good luck and keep up the fight.
ReplyDeleteWe all also ended up fortunate enough to have an "unplanned" having a baby, this concluded about 5-6 weeks soon after i was wedded, but I am just nevertheless consequently grateful for it as it provided me with which "normal" experience that will because infertiles all of us typically avoid getting to get.
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