Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Big Fat Question Mark

I was waiting patiently for CD1 to arrive so we can get this FET show on the road. After 4 days of waiting, I was getting impatient. But let's back up a little first. A couple of months ago I had a one-week-late period. I thought nothing of it. I was stressed out at work and fairly confident that I ovulated a full week late. And I was right, it was nothing. But this time was different. I was fairly confident that I ovulated right on time. All of my usual premenstrual symptoms showed up right on track. But then they disappeared on Sunday. Yesterday we had a barbeque planned with friends and I was excited to drink some yummy drinks. But I was growing concerned. 5 days late is pretty unusual. So I took a test. Can you f'ing believe this?


Well, I still can't. As you can see, the stick at the bottom is much lighter. That is from today. I feel highly skeptical about all of this. I never really got into the details of our infertility, but it's pretty dismal. My husband has a very low count, around 2 million. The morphology rate 3 years ago was 7%. Those are not good numbers. Our RE told us we had a one in a million kind of chance and told us not to even bother with IUI. We knew he was being honest, because his clinic didn't do IVF. If he didn't want us to waste money on him first, it had to be bad, right?

I can't even begin to explain the mixed feelings I have. First, there is nothing I ever wanted more than to have a BFP surprise out of nowhere. I am so grateful for that! It really is amazing! If all goes well, I would be due like 2 weeks after my best friend who finally just got pregnant from IUI after 3.5 years of TTC. That's awesome! But, (and please don't hate me for feeling this way dear IF friends) I have 10 perfect blastocysts that I have become emotionally invested in. It was supposed to be one of them. I had plans, and things are not going according to plan.

I called my regular old doctor's office this morning. I asked for a blood test. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse to see when I can go. 

This can't be real. We are not that couple.

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8 comments:

  1. LaurenMay 29, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    Oh my goodness!!!!!!! I am super excited for you, but I don't know what to say because of the tone of your post. I understand your cautiousness because the line didn't get darker today, but different tests can vary in their sensitivity, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

    Anyways, congratulations and I will be thinking about you non stop until you know what's going on!

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    1. LisaMay 29, 2012 at 1:59 PM

      Thanks Lauren! I hate to seem so doom and gloom, but this seems impossibly unlikely. Even the nurse seemed to get it. I had my first draw today and will repeat it on Thursday. Sounds like I won't hear anything until Friday. This will be a long week. Am I a crazy person if I test again today? I'm such a mess.

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    2. LaurenMay 30, 2012 at 5:46 PM

      Um, no, you're not a crazy person if you do that. I definitely took daily HPTs with my second pregnancy (I didn't with my first, oddly enough). It just happened so quickly I felt like I had to see the lines getting darker everyday to feel like it was really real.

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  2. Gamma WendyMay 29, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    I wouldn't consider you the least bit crazy for testing again. Maybe one of the ones that gives you the "pregnant," or "not pregnant" in the readout? While it seems to hard to believe this miracle has happened, you are late, and you have had two positive sticks.....

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  3. JBMay 29, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    I can completely understand how this would throw you for a major loop. Hopefully the beta results (and, maybe an early ultrasound? You'd be able to see a sac and fetal pole by 5 weeks) will give you a definitive answer that will let you move forward one way or the other.

    But I will say, you clearly have a pregnancy (could be chemical, could be urban legend!) so your husband's swimmers got one through the gate. So, as we've been discussing lately in my house since we're all done after 2 kids, you'll have to actually think about birth control after all is said and done here (whether this surprise pregnancy or your scheduled FET)! Who'd have thunk it?

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  4. jeniciniMay 29, 2012 at 11:35 PM

    Wow...I can understand why you would be thrown by this. Not knowing for sure makes it hard and confusing. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you have an answer soon. xoxo

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  5. CheriMay 30, 2012 at 3:17 AM

    I love you girls who have been through so much and are always so supportive of each other through the bad AND GOOD!
    My fingers are crossed that though you didn't pick this little one from your ten perfects on ice, this one picked you and will be just as perfect for you! Love you, Lisette.

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  6. BBMay 30, 2012 at 7:56 PM

    Oh my God! You deserve to have this miracle. Its crazy how many bloggers I have seen getting a surprise BFP. Fingers crossed for you guys!

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