That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Along with a multitude of other equally shitty feelings such as angry, depressed, and hopeless.
There is nobody who I identify with at this point. No one who knows what I'm going through. I have no friends or family who are in my position. All of the bloggers I follow have passed me by or are trying to have their first (so who am I to complain to them?). I feel isolated from everyone in my life. Everyone around me tries to be supportive, but nothing anyone says can make me feel better. And often, what people intend to be helpful and supportive comes across as trite and clueless. You don't just know that "things are going to work out" unless of course you recently inherited a crystal ball or developed psychic powers. And in that case, please tell me when exactly they are going to work out because that would really help my sanity. The fact that I "already have Noah and he's so perfect" doesn't make me feel any better that we can't have another. Plus it makes me feel like you think I'm stupid for persisting through all of this garbage. I am positive that some people who read this and are still struggling to have their first think I am completely ungrateful. But I'm here to tell you, infertility feels just as awful the second time around. Actually for me this round has been far more difficult than the first because I was one of the lucky ones who succeeded right away. It set my hopes and expectations for another way too high. I feel like an idiot for ever being so confident in my ability to get pregnant. Humble pie tastes like shit.
I have been an absolute hot mess all week. I cried on Brian and I's date night on Thursday, so hard that I had to leave the restaurant while poor Brian flagged down the waitress to pay the bill. My 40 minute commute every day is pure hell. Nothing but time to just sit and feel sorry for myself and angry at everyone else. I also recently saw a pregnancy announcement that completely gutted me because the due date was my sweet girl's due date (a year later of course). So yeah, life kind of sucks right now. I'm hoping that maybe our consult on Wednesday will help me start to turn the corner here. I am truly miserable and totally sick of all of this. I wish I could handle it better or focus on the positive, but I'm just not in that place yet.
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I hope the consult gives you some peace. I hear your pain and understand that secondary infertility is a different kind of pain. Know that we are thinking and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you are feeling this way. Even though the first time was difficult in the number of treatments I had to do, I found the second time more difficult emotionally too. I hope this hellish loneliness passes soon...in the meantime xxx
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. The IF is almost as bad the second time round. I know how lucky I am to have K, which is why I'm happier a colleague who's gone through a couple IVF and a couple miscarriages with no success yet is no pg again and almost 7 weeks. I really would rather have her be pg than me, knowing what she's gone through. She deserves the chance to be a Mom as well.
ReplyDeleteIt still sucks for me big-time. Whenever K asks for a baby brother or sister. Whenever I do the anesthetic for a C/S and see how excited the parents are. And whenever I sedate someone for an abortion (sometimes their 3rd or 4th) and think how hopelessly unfair it is that these people can get pg and use this kind of "birth control" when there are so many out there who would kill to adopt that baby.
I wish DH were on the same page as me and I could convince him to give it one more shot. But he's not, and let's face it, I'm almost 39. Chances are remote that anything would work. We burned through our 4 frosties with only a blighted ovum to show for it last year. There's nothing left now.
You deserve to be angry, but you're not alone. You've still got two more on ice and have a partner and family who would be willing to go for a fresh cycle again - that's lucky.
Hang in there.
You definitely are not alone!! I am in a very similar position with having my DS1 and still TTC at the age of 41. I can totally relate and am definitely here if you need a listening ear anytime!! What you are feeling is very natural for everything you have been through!! Hope that your consult goes really well on Wednesday and that it gives you a renewed sense of hope!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have found secondary infertility to be MUCH MUCH harder! Sending Many Many Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry {{{HUGS}}} IF sucks...that's about all there is to it. I won't sit here and try to tell you it will be all rainbows and butterflies one day...
ReplyDeleteIf you want to get in touch with someone who really is in your position please let me know. I have an IRL friend who also lives in Denver, also has one baby (she's 3 months younger than Noah), she also switched from our clinic to Dr A and has done one frozen and one fresh cycle with him without success. She's moving back to our old clinic for another fresh cycle in January. I would be happy to link you up if you would like...
I too know what you are going thru. My son is 2. We just failed our 9th FET. It sucks truly, everyone says give up. I can't. I just moved on to an immune Dr.
ReplyDeleteI'm never around anymore, but I'm so sorry you're still going through all of this :( It's bullshit.
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