Days I Will Never Forget

One year ago, my heart broke. On Sunday August 3rd, 2014, I went to the hospital for a external version to attempt to turn my unborn baby out of breech position. As it turns out, the baby had flipped head down that day, but something didn't look right. Noah was hanging out with my brother during the appointment. As we drove back to pick him up, I googled "enlarged brain ventricles" and began worrying. How could my baby, who looked so healthy and perfect at 20 weeks, have something so catastrophically wrong? When we got to the restaurant where we were meeting my brother and Noah, I saw my little boy playing outside the restaurant doors. As soon as he saw me, he squealed, "Mommy!" and ran towards me. And I started to tear up. "What if I never have this moment with our baby? Will he be able to talk? Walk? Understand who I am?" (I was still convinced Elodie was a boy at this point.) I will never forget that moment of grief and fear.

Brian remained optimistic, or at least pretended to for my sanity. The morning of August 4th, he busily finished painting the last coat of Jamaican Aqua on the nursery walls. He would later tell me he did so because he wasn't sure there would be a point to finishing the nursery after that day's doctor appointment.

One year ago today, we learned that Elodie had hydrocephalus. It was a heartbreaking day, probably the worst day of my life. There is no way to prepare for that kind of news. We were told our baby would probably never walk, talk, or feed herself. That she may not survive birth. There was no way to know her condition for sure, but it didn't look good. We were told to prepare for the worst.

Elodie has now been in our lives for 353 days. I still don't know what her future holds. But I do know that I'm okay with that. She may never be able to squeal "Mommy!" as she runs to my open arms (though I have faith that she will), but she is everything I could have wanted in a daughter, and more. She has taught me more than I will ever teach her, and she has made me stronger than I ever thought possible. And although there will always be scars, she is healing my broken heart each and every day.