A little over a year ago, I wrote this post, and talked about being a complete family. Lately though, I've been having these nagging thoughts about one more. The time surrounding Elodie's birth and the first six months of her life were traumatizing. I feel like I missed out on so many things I had hoped to reexperience. I wanted to nurse longer, relax more, and relish the newborn stage. None of that happened. It leaves a bit of a wound on my heart. Part of me feels like having another baby could bring a lot of healing, although there is no guarantee of a healthy baby or any of my wish list coming to fruition. So I'm not sure if I actually want another baby, or if I just need to work through some of the lingering grief. There are other reasons another baby sounds appealing as well. We are pretty isolated in Colorado, being so far away from family, so having a bigger family of our own sounds nice. Our kids really only have each other, with just one cousin who lives 900 miles away, and that's not how I envisioned things. I grew up with big extended families! And I really feel like being a mom is my calling in life. It's the most rewarding thing I'll ever do.
When I mentioned this to Brian, I was shocked that he didn't immediately call the hospital and schedule the next available vasectomy. Our biggest concern is financial. While I do plan to go back to work in the future, kids are crazy expensive. We would have a lot more money if we stick to just two. I know money isn't everything, but the stress of barely making it each month is very real. And of course, there's the question of whether this is even possible. Multiple doctors once told us we would never conceive on our own. But we've had two miraculous conceptions, one which gave us Elodie. So was she truly a gift from above, or did we somehow overcome our issues? One thing is for sure, we will never seek fertility treatment again.
I am content. I love our kids. I am happy with our family. I feel blessed beyond my wildest dreams. But still, my mind is going there. For those who have been lucky enough to even have this choice, how did you know that you were done?
I have three and I am not done. I love having three. I think it is honestly easier than one or two. Follow your heart and everything will fall into place and you'll have the grace to handle the situation you're in. I promise. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteI knew I was done for a few reasons. One, I mentally and physically needed to move on from the long years of fertility treatments being the sole focus of my existence, hormone treatments, the constant wondering each month if I was pregnant, etc. Two, I turned 40 this year and I want to be young and healthy enough to see my kids to adulthood. And probably the most important is that our family of four feels perfect in my heart. When we did our FETs to have #2 and it was our very last embryo that brought him to us it seemed like a natural close to our story.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to search your heart for what you really want but from your words I think you might already know =)
I totally don't know that we are done. I'd love to have a 3rd, but for financial reasons I worry - plus my husband is firmly in the no more kids camp lately. *sigh* It's so tough to know when your family is "complete."
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