Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me
Friday night I was sooo tired. I actually fell asleep on the couch, which is very unlike me. Then on Saturday, I was sleepy in the afternoon. I took a nap, which is extremely unlike me. When I woke up, I commented to Brian, "I haven't taken a nap like that since... I was pregnant with Noah." And then my mind started racing, and thinking stupid thoughts. I mean of course we got pregnant on accident, even though we couldn't get pregnant that entire year where we actually tried. We're totally one of those couples, right? I thought back through the month at every possible sign or symptom. And what's worse, I started to feel hopeful. I don't even understand why, because to be totally honest, I do not feel ready to have another baby. When I realized I wanted to get pregnant it was all I could think about, and I am definitely not there yet. So then why did I get my hopes up so much this weekend? I suppose it would be awesome to not have to spend all of our savings trying again, to not inject myself with needles, to not expose my lady bits to an entire room full of people, and not spend weeks shoving "fun dip" sized suppositories up my hoo-hah and stick weird patches to my ass cheeks hoping that all of this leads to a baby and not just a waste of time, money, and emotion. So I guess maybe that's why I got my hopes up, just a little. And maybe that's why tonight I'm really feeling sad that I am most definitely NOT pregnant with some miracle baby. I feel so silly to have had any hope at all.
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I'm there with the hope each month too, even though history says it isn't going to happen. Doesn't help that our neighbours did IVF for #1 and got pg au naturel with #2 just before the end of her 1 year mat leave. Supposedly without even trying.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry:( I am still trying every month, even though I know it won't happen naturally, so I understand your disappointment.
ReplyDeleteBeen there. It sucks. I've tested twice since my period came back, just because it's erratic and I caught the hope bug, too. Even though I'm not quite ready yet, either, I still would LOVE to be that urban legend. But, alas. Don't feel silly. It's a great thing to hope for.
ReplyDeleteGamma Wendy here. Don't beat yourself up. Anne Frank said: "Where there is hope, there is life." While it is not probable, it is possible - so don't be "hope less."
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