Yesterday evening I started bleeding. It's not a full flow yet, but it's definitely more than spotting. The nurse had told me that once I stopped the Provera, I could expect my period in 1-2 weeks, so I was not expecting anything to happen already. I called this morning and she told me it's normal to start bleeding while on the Provera, and to call back when I'm at full flow. Since they already told me I wouldn't have a normal period unless I took the Provera, I'm kind of wondering if I really will have a normal period anyway. How the heck do I determine when/if I have "full flow?" I am so sick of this messed up FET cycle. I highly doubt my period is going to wait around much longer (if this isn't already it) since today was my last pill, so I am fairly certain we won't be back from MN in time to meet the 5-12 day window. Sigh.
As I said before, I am a planner. I can't begin to explain how messed up all of my plans are getting. Brian and I have talked A LOT about moving back to MN next summer. The timing seemed perfect. I was going to have another Spring baby, take maternity leave until the end of the school year, then resign and move back over the summer. Now, with everything seemingly getting pushed back more and more, I will be lucky to have a baby by July. That is absolutely awful timing. For one, moving will be crazy hard with a newborn. Two, my maternity leave would be extremely short since I would have to start a new job at the end of August. I'm pretty sure a brand new employer won't let me start the year on leave. Third, if this baby comes any later, we will be forced to stay here for insurance reasons. I know I shouldn't waste time worrying about these scenarios because we have no idea how things are going to work out. However, it's just really frustrating that things are getting all mucked up. Things would be so much easier if we were one of those lucky fertile couples who just tries again next month. The waiting games we play are seriously one of the hardest and most frustrating parts of having fertility issues.
That brings me to another subject. Since having Noah, I have been mostly free of having "pregnancy envy." It was hard at first because the newborn phase was exhausting and all of my friends here in Denver were sporting cute little bumps. I wanted to be pregnant too. It was a weird mental state that I blame on hormones and lack of sleep. Then Noah started getting easier and the feelings faded away. When our plans for another started to get serious, I was happy to find that I still did not feel the envy. I thought that I, like so many of my friends, would easily get pregnant this time around. (Easy for an infertile couple at least.) But now I am finding that things seem even more difficult than before, and those yucky envious feelings are starting to reemerge. I don't want to be that bitter green monster again, leering at every pregnant belly I see and thinking, "You have no idea how lucky you are." Wanting to curse at women who casually joke to their friend, "I'm so glad I'm not pregnant right now. You look miserable. Two and done for me!" (True story. Well good for you. And I bet they both popped out sleeping through the night and reciting their alphabet.) Seriously, it is not healthy or fun to feel like that. At least I am not feeling that way in regards to my BFF who I will be seeing in a couple of weeks. After 3.5 years of ttc, she is now successfully knocked up thanks to IUI. I actually can't wait to see her bump and the happiness which I am sure will be radiating from her and her husband. They deserve it so much!
Lastly, I have thought a bit more about that chemical pregnancy. I think I came across as very strange about it. Again, I chalk that up to being a planner. It was messing with all of my other plans. But I want to be clear. In the months prior, I had noticed a large number of IF bloggers who ended up with urban legend pregnancies. Each time I read about one, I felt my stomach sink. I hoped I could be one of those lucky ones. The feelings I had when it actually happened were not what I expected, and I think it mostly stemmed from fear. Fear that it was too good to be true, fear that the baby might not be chromosomally normal. Don't get me wrong, there were tears of joy when I first saw that second line, and plenty of nervous excitement. I even told friends, family, and coworkers because, holy shit people, we got pregnant all by ourselves!!! But the fear was overwhelming. And in the end, that fear ended up protecting me from feeling monumentally upset when it turned out not to be. But now that this road has taken more unexpected turns, I'm feeling a little more upset that it didn't work out. So far, I am the only blogger I've seen who recently had a miracle BFP that didn't come to be. (Or else I'm the only one that blogged about it.) It all just feels so unfair. And yes, I know I'm lucky to have Noah. Super, crazy blessed. But when you want another child, you shouldn't have to push down those sad feelings and try not to appear ungrateful because you were already lucky once.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can relate...I had been so zen since having my DD and then when my FET cycle started I became hyper aware of all those preggos around me who I'm sure got pregnant at the drop of a friggen hat. It's crazy how fast those emotions come back. So sorry for your loss...I had one before my DD and it was strange how it hit me - almost like it took a few cycles to hit and it did so just a little at a time. It was very odd. The waiting and not knowing of treatment cycles is enough to drive any type A girl crazy. I hope by some miracle AF cooperates and the timing is ok for your testing. Good luck!!!
ReplyDelete1-2 weeks?? That's crazy talk. I always bled on day 5 after my last provera pill. Never spotted on it.
ReplyDeleteLoss of control is so very much one of the hardest things to grapple with while going through ART. I truly truly hope things work out this cycle.
I can totally understand all of your feelings. On all of it. I could basically write a whole post responding to each point of your post, but dinner is almost ready so there's no time.
ReplyDeleteBut basically? Infertility sucks. Like, SO much. It makes life so much more difficult in so many ways. And that sucks that it's screwing with what you hoped would be your timing for baby #2. As an infertile I have totally given up trying to time a baby around any specific season or event in our lives, but I can completely understand why you wanted this specific timing for this baby. I just hope things end up working out okay in the end (which I'm sure they will, even if it's not as ideal as the original scenario).
IF makes us all a little schizo. All the control, the measured doses and specific timing; the schedules and the appointments; knowing from the start of a cycle when the EDD will be. At the same time, we're still throwing everything up in the air and hoping it'll all fall into place. It's still a crapshoot. But when the planning and scheduling don't work, the vast emptiness, the UNplannedness of what follows is pretty overwhelming. I sometimes wonder how fertile couples deal with the utter lack of planning of their own pregnancies. They seem so naive sometimes, don't they?
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the jealousy and need to plan. My coworker announced last week that she was thinking of getting pregnant with her third, and now oops, they're 13 weeks pg with twins. Naturally, of course. DH keeps telling me to look on the bright side, we've got one, but it really doesn't help when I do have feelings of envy that she so easily has what I would love.
ReplyDeleteI hope the timing works out ok for your next cycle, and that you have a great vacation!