Today I got to spend another 10 minutes of my life sitting in the OB's waiting room with all of the pregnant ladies just so a doctor could confirm that yes, I did miscarry and no, I do not need a D&C tomorrow. Three visits in two weeks is enough to make me feel a little stabby. I so wanted to be a happy momma sitting in the waiting room with a cute little bump and I worked damn hard for it, so please stop rubbing it in my face. I also can't stand the sympathetic faces from the nurses and doctors as they tell you how sorry they are for the hundredth time. I know there's nothing else really to say, but I can't take it anymore. It makes me teary and sniffly and I'm sick of crying. Acknowledge that this totally sucks and let's move on. Just once I would love it if my doctor said something like, "Well this is fucking horseshit, isn't it?" Because that's really how I'm feeling.
The anger is not fun to deal with. I hate the bitterness that I feel right now, and the apathy I feel towards so many aspects of my life. I forgot how raw the pain of infertility was. The canceled FET in July brought it back a little, but now it's full-blown. Sometimes life is so fucking unfair.
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GRRR! Yes, unfair is an understatement! Anger is a normal part of grief so it is OK to give yourself time to be angry! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteAs though it weren't enough, you are greiving more than this loss. You managed the one in May and moved on, and then the cancelled cycle in July. This one is the toughest, of course. And with each disappointment comes the fact that you're also mourning the loss of time and the feeling that you have to hurry up before there is too much space between your kids. I know this isn't much comfort, but Sandy and I have always been the closest even though she is 9 years older than I. There really are no words that will help. Some day you'll look back on all this and think, "Wow. That really sucked." (It didn't help, did it?) Anyway, I said it. Life really sucks right now.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be feeling bitter and stabby. Life really sucks sometimes. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis just friggen blows. I wish more doctors and nurses would learn how to just tell it like it is. The sympathetic head tilt and nod just sucks. You have every right to be angry...and this is totally unfair!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I say to patients who are coming for a D&C something to the effect of "Life can be pretty damn unfair. I've been there and done that too. It sucks." Maybe not so professional, but I think they might not feel so alone.
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