Holiday Cheer?

I love this time of the year. Decorating the house and watching all the holiday classics on TV and DVD always makes me feel all warm and happy inside. The last couple years it's been especially fun with buying gifts for the little guy and seeing the holidays through his eyes. But not this year.

I am having such a hard time. There are moments when things are fun and happy. Like this morning. We strung lights on this huge pine tree/shrub thingy in our yard. Noah watched us and played in the yard as we worked. Then we headed in to check that the lights for our house were still working. When Brian plugged them in, Noah got all excited. "I found blue, and purple, and red! Oooh, I love these lights!" To read that doesn't do it justice because you needed to hear the sweet little 2-year-old voice saying it. So damn cute. And when we put up the tree, he started talking about wanting a ladder to climb "the beanstalk" (sometimes pronounced "beanstop"). He must have read this book at daycare. It made me laugh to hear him say it over and over. 

In his right hand, he is holding his "little bags." They hold the replacement bulbs for our mini lights outside. I can't touch them. "No, they not your little bags!"

But in the background, there is always this shadow of sadness lurking. Everything feels muted. I absolutely loved being pregnant over the holidays. It made everything feel even happier and cozier. This year I was looking forward to eating for two at Thanksgiving. I had lofty plans to make a cute pregnancy announcement Christmas card to send out. (I say lofty because I've never actually followed through on getting a card made to send out.) None of these things will be happening now.

On a related note, after my crappy third OB appointment Monday, I spilled the news on Facebook. I really wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just pissed and sick of having to bottle it up. People are constantly asking me "How are you doing?" so I thought I'd just let it all out so they would know. I am sad, and angry, and pretty damn bitter. The next day I got an email from one of my cousins. She told me that she and her husband just did IVF for the first time. About 2.5 weeks ago, they found out they lost their baby at 9 weeks. This breaks my heart, and I hate that she is going through this, too. But if there is any silver lining here, at least we can be a support to each other. Hopefully in the coming months we'll both have happier news to share together.