Losing Hope

It's been three days since I stopped my meds. Not a single dull cramp. Not even the tiniest amount of spotting. I emailed the PA who initially spoke with me after my shit ultrasound and asked when I should cave and get the cytotec. Suddenly she is singing a different tune about that and recommends against it. She would like me to get another ultrasound on Friday to evaluate where things are, and then schedule a D&C for early next week if nothing happens. My OB also called to check on me and echoed this plan. As if things haven't been awful enough, now my own body won't even cooperate to give me a break. I really don't want the D&C. I hope I get this one tiny wish.

Today was my first day back at work. A lot of people knew about the pregnancy because it's hard to hide an FET from people when you're constantly messing up the scheduling of IEP meetings due to all of your appointments and days off. I tried to just keep to myself all day, but a few people asked how I was feeling and another person caught me crying in my office. So yeah, that all sucked. Tomorrow is another first day back in a way because I'm going to a different school. More people to hide from or cry to. It's all so fucking fun! I wish I could just curl up into the fetal position and sleep until winter break. I am so, so deeply depressed. I just can't believe that we have to go through everything again. All the shots, and appointments, and days off, and blood draws, and stress, and worry, and waiting waiting waiting. It's too much to think about. I just want to scream and scream and then smash something.

Noah has been very sweet. He's two and a half though, so of course sometimes he is a total pain in the ass and I have almost zero patience for listening to someone else cry and whine right now. But overall, he seems to realize Mommy is in a bad place. He was very snuggly over the weekend. Yesterday was the first day I really let everything out because Brian got the puking sickness over the weekend that Noah and I had, and half the time when I tried to talk to him he cut me off because he was trying to concentrate on not puking. So when Brian got home yesterday I wrapped my arms around him and cried and cried. Noah yelled at Brian for hugging me, so Brian explained that Mommy needed hugs. Noah stopped yelling and asked if he could hug me, too. So I picked him up and as he hugged me I sniffled, which prompted him to ask me, "Mommy, is you nose running? You need a tissue?" Oh my God, what would I do without him?