My Decision

Last night I ripped off my estrogen patches. It was actually a pretty emotional moment, like admitting that yes, this is over. I've decided I'm going to try the natural route. I know it's going to be physically and emotionally painful, and will take much longer than a D&C to run it's course. Yesterday I talked to the only friend I know who's been through a D&C. She said it was a horrible experience, and she ended up being one of the unlucky 20% who ended up with uterine scarring. She needed several additional D&Cs to clear that out, which significantly delayed her ability to conceive again (but she did, and she has a beautiful 18 month old daughter to show for it). Despite what she went through she still said she wasn't sure she would've done anything differently. But for me, it's something like this that I just don't want to deal with. I trust in my body's ability to let nature run its course. And it makes me sad to think about this baby getting scraped out of me. That just sounds awful. So I'm going to give it a few days, and if nothing happens by Friday I will go in for the cytotec to see if we can speed things up. I just have a feeling I won't need to though. 

Can I just say that having to make this decision totally fucking sucks? Ugh.

Brian and I have also talked a bit about next steps for us. For now I would like to wait until after the holidays to start any new plans, and that's probably our only option anyway. I've let go of the idea of "good timing" for due dates in relation to the school calendar. Clearly it's completely out of our control anyway. I'm also fairly certain that we will be leaving our clinic. Our original RE left the practice just before Noah was born. I thought he simply retired, but then a year later discovered that he opened his own practice about 10 miles away. I thought about switching for our FET cycle and even emailed the clinic, but I never heard back so we just stuck with what we knew. However, I think it's important that you have complete faith in your team and our experience this time around left us with a bad taste in our mouth (not because of the loss, I promise, I know that's not their fault). When the PA explained all of my options on Friday I asked her if we could take our embryos elsewhere. She was confident we could. So once I've been given the all clear in regards to the miscarriage, I will contact our old RE and get on his radar. It makes me a little happy to think about seeing him again. He's very dear to our family.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments over the last couple of days. I'm so glad I found this community. Your support is invaluable. Wish me luck this week. I'm going to need it.