I think I must be more anxious about our upcoming cycle than I consciously realized. Aside from the return of skipped heart beats, I have had two dreams within the last week or two that seem to be reflecting this. The first dream was about a week ago. It was the day of our transfer and I was at the doctor’s office. They handed me two syringes and instructed me to suck up our thawed embryos from a big, glass mixing bowl. I used the first syringe until it was full, then got distracted by something. The doctor walked in a short time later and I realized that I still had the other syringe to fill, so I tilted the bowl and tried to suck up everything that was left. The problem was that the embryo I was aiming for was the size and color of an egg yolk and wouldn’t fit up the syringe. I then started to freak out realizing that we had more than one embryo thawed and worried that all nine of them were about to be transferred. I asked the doctor what was going on, and he suddenly realized that these weren’t even my embryos, it was something else altogether, and my embryos hadn’t even been moved to their lab yet. Then I totally freaked out wondering how we could still possibly do the transfer. The second dream happened last night. It all took place in the house and city I grew up in back in Minnesota, which made it especially weird. All I really remember is that it was a Friday and I realized that my transfer was supposed to be scheduled for either Thursday or Saturday. Obviously I missed Thursday, so I was panicking that when I called they wouldn’t be able to fit me in on Saturday. I kept wondering how I could’ve forgotten such an important detail.
Part of my anxiety stems from a conversation that I had with the doctor we will no longer be working with. I was a nervous wreck for two solid days after that. I don’t feel like going into that story yet though. I think the rest comes from a mental shift I’ve gone through in relation to this process. When I first started IVF 3.5 years ago, I had rose colored glasses and expected it to work. I was excited and interested in every step of the process. I got a thrill from starting each new medication and looked forward to every appointment with optimism. When it came time for our FET attempts last summer and fall, I again approached the process with excitement and anticipation. Part of it faded after our cancelled cycle in the summer, but I still was fairly excited with each step we checked off the list in the fall. Now, I feel beaten down about this process. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office after finding out that we lost our baby and feeling overwhelmed with the idea that I would have to go through everything all over again. Taking birth control for a solid month does not make me excited with anticipation. I won’t be getting a secret thrill with each Lupron injection. It’s all just a bunch of crap I have to go through for a coin flip, and lately it feels like everything has been coming up tails. I’m worried about how many setbacks I might still face. It makes me think of an amazing lady out there some of you might “know.” Mo, from Life and Love in the Petri Dish, is an inspiration to me. She went through 7 IVFs and 6 miscarriages to finally take home her daughter. When I first started following her, I couldn’t fathom how someone could keep going through that. But now I think I get it. When you want something that badly, it’s too hard to give up, no matter how bad it hurts. I just hope that our road won’t be as difficult.
I know I said I was going to keep a more positive attitude about everything, and most days I think I do a good job. But the days when I don’t? They are hard. I should be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow and finding out I’m having a girl. Not popping pills which tell me they are meant to prevent the very thing I want most.
On a happier, more positive note, my best friend from high school has now passed her due date and should be giving birth to her son any day now. She and her husband tried for nearly 4 years before moving on to IUI, so I couldn’t be more thrilled for the two of them. They are going to be amazing parents! I’m so glad they’re almost to the finish line. We all deserve that.
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Of course you're nervous. Who wouldn't be? Last year was not exactly easy. All you can do is try again and hope that your Lucky 13 is truly that. It always has been. Fingers crossed, my dear.
ReplyDeleteThat said, Mother Bear wants to come out there and punch that SOB doctor in the face and THEN give him an earful. Oh they should not mess with our babies no matter how old they are. Narcissistic, self-important, uncaring, pompous prick.
There's not a lot to say that I haven't already said. Just want you to know I think of you often!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Dr B got you all wound up, he's such an a$$. The anxiety that goes along with IVF is just too much to take sometimes. For me once things are rolling the anxiety gets a little better, hope it works that way for you too. You are a strong lady and I know you have what it takes to make it to the end of this journey. Good luck!!! And congrats to your friends, that's awesome.
ReplyDeleteGo get him, Mother Bear! Lisa, I echo what your mom says. Remember that Dr. B very quickly wanted to throw his nurse under the bus when you had some questions about his protocol. That narcissistic, self-important, uncaring, pompous prick seems to want to bear no responsibility, so I am sure he wants to make things sound as tenuous as possible. I don't think it would be possible to go through what you are going through without worry, but try not to let that Jacka$$ get you down.
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