Results Are In

Brian and I enjoyed our night out yesterday, but I had to drive home in another snowstorm and it was quite the white-knuckle drive. I felt really anxious, my heart was pounding, and I thought my abdomen felt funny from it. I thought this was a good sign. When I got home and finally got Noah to bed I thought about taking a test. I was feeling like I would see a positive result. But I decided to stick to the plan and wait for the morning. Overnight I had two dreams. One was that I took a test and it was positive. The other was that I had a baby girl. I kept forgetting that she existed and kept panicking that we accidentally left her at home alone. My mom was there and kept reassuring me that she was with me, safely tucked in her car seat. I woke up hoping this was a good sign. When Brian asked me if I was ready, I said no, to which he replied, you have to find out eventually. I was so nervous when I entered the bathroom that I really thought I might puke. Again, I thought this was a good sign. I took the test, left it on the counter, and told Brian we had to wait a minute. And when the time came, what did we see? One lonely pink line. My first ever BFN following an IVF or FET cycle. Just as I expected. No 2013 baby for me. Damn it.

I didn't cry all that much. My mom made me tear up when she told me how sorry she was. I also let my dad and brother know. My brother was appropriately bummed for us, but my dad is apparently in denial. It kind of pisses me off. He asked if it was a blood test result or a home test, and when I told him it was from a home test he replied, "I don't trust those. Let me know when you have the 'official' results." I responded with, "It's pretty official, but you can pretend a little longer if you want to..." I know, I know. He's a man, and he's my dad. If anyone is supposed to carry on hope, it should be your dad. I'm his baby girl and he doesn't want to see me sad. But what he doesn't get is that what I really need is for him to say that this sucks and he's sorry. Not make me rehash the bad news in two days.

I am also annoyed that my clinic lives in denial. It seems silly and wasteful to continue taking expensive, uncomfortable medications for NO REASON. I just want to stop everything, let AF show her stupid face, and make a new plan. But I have to wait until Monday instead. Stupid.

This is not exactly how I hoped my spring break would start, but I'm glad I have the week to accept this reality and move forward again.

I'll end this on a happy note. Last night I was getting Noah ready for bed and he tackled me to the floor. We both were lying there giggling and he turned to me and said, "You're my best friend!" I smiled and told him he was my best friend, too. Then he said, "No, you're my best friend! You're my best girl!" I sure do love him, and know how lucky I am to have him!