Before I get all bitter and ranty, I have to acknowledge that for the most part, people who know of our fertility struggles have been supportive and wonderful. But I know for some people, they simply don't get it. They really have no idea how it feels to be infertile. What it's like to lose a pregnancy. How terribly scary, frustrating, exhausting, and lonesome the whole process feels. So sometimes, well-meaning people say stupid things that are hard to look past. Hard to forget.
When I first learned of my blood test results and explained the concept of blood thinners to one of my coworkers, she looked at me, sighed, and asked, "Is it really worth it?" Aside from feeling dismissed, I also felt defensive. Seriously? I would walk through fire for the child I already have. I would have taken hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS more shots, medications, embarrassing medical procedures, etc. to have my son in my life. So is it really worth it? Of course it is.
Last week another teacher in my school kind of slipped the news to a teacher I'm not very close to. I acknowledged that yes, I'm currently waiting to find out if I'm pregnant, then quickly went through the events of the last 6 months. I lamented about how much it hurts to see my friends pregnant with their seconds, while here I sit wondering if I will ever get there. The teacher looked at me and said, "Oh honey, it's not a race!" A race? Are you fucking kidding me? No, it's not a god damned race. I lost my DAUGHTER and I'm infertile. It is grief. That's what it is. Grief and fear.
The worst offense came from somewhere it shouldn't have. A friend. One of the two who is pregnant and due within weeks of when I should have been. She's not someone I see all that often these days, but she's someone who knows the whole story of our attempts to conceive. I saw her at the beginning of February, and she asked me how things were going. I gave her the whole run down about my bloodwork (it was still new information to me at the time) and explained that we lost our baby girl because I have clotting issues. She didn't even flinch when I told her it was a girl. I always expect people to kind of get it, like, oh man, a girl? Of course losing a boy would be equally sad, but I have to admit that yes, ideally I would like one of each. And I expect people to kind of get that. It's a common desire. Anyway, that in itself didn't bother me. Most people don't say anything when I tell them it was a girl (except for one friend who totally got it, and she's not even interested in having kids yet) so I've gotten used to feeling like nobody cares. But then, two weeks later this friend had her anatomy ultrasound. It happened to be the same night Ed had his heart attack. I sat at a friend's kitchen table and my phone lit up. I read the following text message: "So I'm officially no longer outnumbered by men in my family. We are having a GIRL!!!!!!" Note the capital letters and the SIX exclamation points. It cut to the bone. I almost started crying. I'm pretty sure I cursed and tossed my phone away. My friend asked what was wrong and I showed her the message. "Oh," she said. She knew. How fucking hurtful and insensitive, right? At first I thought that maybe it was a group message and it didn't occur to her that maybe that's not how I would like to hear the news. But no, it was sent to me only. Later in the evening I sucked it up and decided to be the bigger person. I sent her a short message of congratulations. The next day she sent me a response and asked how everything was going and how could she follow my blog. Needless to say I did not respond. This is exactly why I did not share specific details of this cycle with any of my friends (except for the one whose kitchen I sat in that night and my dearest friend of all in WI). They just don't get it. And I'm through expecting them to.
I know some of my actual friends follow this blog, and if I have offended you, I'm sorry. I started this space as a place where I could document this journey, and I decided I'm not going to censor it anymore. If I can't let it out here, it's going to eat me alive. And like I said, most people have been pretty supportive, so thank you.
Anybody have any other gems to share? Anybody else feeling bitter and ranty today? :)
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I'm sorry! It's the worst when the deepest cuts come from those who know us best and should know better {{{HUGS}}} Over time most of the fertiles in my life have firmly inserted their foot in their mouths. My most disliked "supportive" comments include, "it'll happen when you stop trying" because IF just fixes itself don't you know. Or the ever popular "everything happens for a reason" is nice too...so my baby died for a reason, that's comforting and supportive. I know they don't know what else to say but sometimes it's best just not to say anything. Rant along my friend, it's your space!
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ReplyDeleteYes, Sweetie, losing a boy would be equally sad. And yes, I totally got that losing a girl is especially heart wrenching since you already have your precious little boy. But if you have a little boy next it may feel awkward to acknowledge that it is especially painful that you lost a girl. And once the second little one is in your arms, no one will care if it's a boy or girl.
ReplyDeleteI guess people just don't get it or don't know what to say to this kind of loss. Hang in there, Hon. I'm so sorry this one didn't happen.
And yes, I agree, with "Someday-Soon" this is the place to rant. You can turn your icy cold shoulder to those who should know better than to say and do what they have.
People suck. Even good hearted empathetic people just don't get the pain and anguish that accompanies infertility. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Hugs. xoxo
ReplyDeleteUnless you have lived it you simply can't emphasise, they can sympathise but there's no way anyone can actually feel anything near what you feel. They can be super sucky too - usually while trying to make you feel better. I had someone once tell me (in response to me saying we'd stopped trying) that more people should stop at one.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Lisa. I often don't know what to say, so I try to keep my snapper shut. I said something horribly offensive to a father of 4 boys a few years ago. I had said it in a friendly/kidding manner, but it was still so rude, even though the person I said it to did not call me out. I will never forget it and it makes me CRINGE to this day. Now that I am a mom, I would be THRILLED to have 4 boys! I often wonder if I should apologize to him- years later! (would you appreciate that if those who said those rude things apologized?) I guess my point is that people often speak without thinking first and can say words that resonate with us forever (and the speaker, too). Ok, I am rambling now. And, I am SO NOT offended by anything you post. It is REAL and it makes me like you even more. I often think and hope and hope and hope that you get a little forever baby for Noah soon. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI wish there were a "like" button for blogs.
DeleteOh, I feel bitter and ranty most days. It seems like everyone at the store, on TV, at work and in my personal life is pregnant or has kids (including my husband). It's hard not to be bitter when you are surrounded by people that have what you long for, vent all you want. That's what I starting blogging for as well, no family and only two friends know about it so I can be as truthful as ever and not have to worry about what others might think or say. Good luck and I hope all your dreams come true.
ReplyDeletePeople can really suck.
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